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Tips on hinting that I'm trans?


gavin

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Hi everyone! I was hoping I could get some tips, advice, a second opinion or a personal example from someone in a similar situation.

 

In short, I am currently living with my parents and probably will be for the next couple of years. My mother is openly conservative and hateful towards queer people, she expressed that to me on multiple occasions, especially when she suspected something was off about me (when I started shopping in mens section, binding, etc.). My dad is of slightly more progressive views but I'm sure he wouldn't be too happy about me being trans either. But the problem is not so much with me being scared to come out to them because I worry they might start hating me, kick me out of the house or anything of that sort. I know they love me unconditionally and they will see me being trans not as me being immoral in some way but rather as their poor innocent child being brainwashed by the gay agenda or something along these lines. I know they will be devastated. They will believe my life to be ruined if I start transitioning. I feel awfully guilty thinking about causing them so much pain. Is it really necessary for me to transition in order to be happy? I think it is. If a friend of mine was in such a situation, I'd tell them to go for it. In the end of the day they just want a chance at happiness and you can't blame them for it. But when it comes to myself I'm not so sure. I can't seem to bring myself to do it. My only options are not transitioning, moving out and ending contact with them or coming out. The first two are completely off the table, so I have to proceed with the third. 

 

I'm sorry about the long intro, it's not entirely relevant to the rest of the post but I really needed to get that off my chest. As for my main question: how can I very obviously hint at me being trans without openly starting that conversation? I know hinting isn't the most mature way to handle these things but I simply can't bring myself to talk about it with them unless they confront me with a direct question. Again, I know this is very immature but I've been putting it away for 5 years and knowing myself I may as well never get enough courage to do it. Now another problem is, my mother did understand my unintentional "hints" when I was 14 and first started dressing differently, binding cutting my hair in a specific way. But back then I wasn't looking to come out, I was just starting to figure things out and her questions scared me. I managed to explain it away with "mens clothes are more comfortable", "I just like it that way" and other similar things. The problem now is that she genuinely believes that I'm just a masculine woman and stuff like me wearing mens clothes and underwear, always having my hair short, never wearing make up, etc. don't make her suspicious at all. I would need something way more drastic for her to bring up that topic again and I'm completely out of ideas. Wear a tank top that exposes strips of trans tape on my chest? Leave my laptop with a trans related website open? Have someone send me a message using my chosen name and also leave my phone somewhere for her to see? I basically want something (or someone) to out me to her because I can't bring myself to make that first step. Maybe you have some ideas as to how to make that happen? Or maybe you have gone through something similar? I would be grateful for any relevant information. Thank you so much for reading all this, I hope it wasn't too much or off topic. I'm new to this place, so I'm still figuring things out. 

 

Thanks in advance,

Gavin

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  • Forum Moderator

Welcome to Transgender Pulse Forums Gavin,

 

While a parent's love is unconditional, it doesn't mean the conservative viewpoint won't drive a wedge between you and them. Like you my mother would have never accept anyone from the LGBTQIA community and she would yell at the TV when something came on talking about the LGBTQIA community. In the 1980s my cousin Vicky came out to her mom, dad, siblings and cousins requesting that we no longer call her Vicky. She just wanted to be know as Vic. My mother referred to her as a tomboy, thick boned butch woman. Vic eventually married Nancy and my mother always referred to them as house mates sharing housing costs. My mother always loved on Vic and Nancy, but never admitted they were a couple. I think it was a generational thing she just didn't want to admit to.

 

So my advice to you is the same as what you would tell a friend. You know what you need to do, you just want confirmation or permission.

 

Best wishes, stay positive and motivated,

 

Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

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Hi Gavin,

 

Welcome and I'm glad you could find us. I would recommend what makes you happy. Don't live your life for others. I spent plenty of years trying to please other people. I do understand though the nightmares that you might be facing also. You don't have to transition unless you want to. I will say this when I was able to get on hormones it took a couple of months for my body to overcome the changes and is still adjusting. My regret is I didn't do it sooner. I lived in denial for a while and worried about what others think. You can't put your happiness in someone else. You are responsible for that. I don't know how things are in Russia with transitioning but I would definitely love to listen how they do things over there. You are the first person that I spoke to that is Russian and would love to learn about it. You can message me if you want. I'm usually online. Tomorrow is going to be an exception because I'm celebrating my oldest son's birthday. Unfortunately I got to deal with the ex but another day to spend with my kid is lovely. Do you have plans in case things go south or should I say if they go bad? By that I mean if they throw you out? I'm not saying they will or they won't. I always try to expect the worst but hope for the best. I waited till I had my own house and I'm glad I did. My parents are divorced but after I came out I talked to my dad once and that was because he was forced to. Even during the conversation he didn't ask me any questions at all. My mom doesn't support me either but she has stated that she loves me. Well I guess that is it for now. I would love to hear more from you like hobbies, likes and dislikes or what you want to tell me. Take care and as y'all say dobryy meaning good day. I know that you know it but I have to add that other stuff for them to know. 

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@Mmindy Thank you for your reply! Yes, I do think it's possible that they may never accept me as a man and, despite their unconditional love, still see me as their daughter. I think I'm prepared for that, as long as I get a chance to transition. There are a lot of things we don't agree on, so their approval isn't crucial to me. I think I do know what the right thing to do is, in the end of the day. I just need to build up enough courage. Thank you so much for you support! 

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@Ashley0616 

Thank you! Yes, I understand that. I think I really do want to transition. Similarly to you, I think my only regret might be that I haven't done it sooner. It's been a constant back and forth for the last 5 years but now I'm pretty certain that would be the right choice. Transitioning in Russia is definitely becoming increasingly difficult, I'll message you with specific details if you are interested in learning about that. As for a back up plan, I know it sounds rather naive but I don't really have one. Of course you can never know for sure but I'm as certain as I can be that they won't kick me out. They may take away all my electronics, claiming the internet made me the way I am, or try to stop me from transitioning by all means possible for them but that's about it. None of those are great perspectives either, so I should still think about my course of actions just in case. 

Thank you so much for your reply and for the support! It really means a lot. Oh, and congrats on your son's birthday, I hope you have a great day today!

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  • Forum Moderator

Good afternoon Gavin

 

i have a rather simple answer for you, it will happen when it happens and don’t try to force it.  It takes a long time for our loved ones to get used to the idea and trying to force it on them before they are ready to listen can lead to a bad situation.  
 

Your parents will get more and more used to your masculinity and will eventually be open to hearing you tell them.  But, you need family in your life, I don’t care where you live.

 

Willow

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12 hours ago, gavin said:

@Ashley0616 

Thank you! Yes, I understand that. I think I really do want to transition. Similarly to you, I think my only regret might be that I haven't done it sooner. It's been a constant back and forth for the last 5 years but now I'm pretty certain that would be the right choice. Transitioning in Russia is definitely becoming increasingly difficult, I'll message you with specific details if you are interested in learning about that. As for a back up plan, I know it sounds rather naive but I don't really have one. Of course you can never know for sure but I'm as certain as I can be that they won't kick me out. They may take away all my electronics, claiming the internet made me the way I am, or try to stop me from transitioning by all means possible for them but that's about it. None of those are great perspectives either, so I should still think about my course of actions just in case. 

Thank you so much for your reply and for the support! It really means a lot. Oh, and congrats on your son's birthday, I hope you have a great day today!

Of course I would love to learn about your country. I'm glad that you found my post useful. If you want to you can also follow me on Facebook. My profile is in my transgender pulse profile. That's great to hear that they wouldn't do that. You're welcome and thank you for that. The party is over and now it's a little quieter since most of the people went away. Just my two kids and my nephew who is around my oldest son's age. Don't be a stranger you can tell me what you want and I can give you advice. I love helping people out. Hope you have a good night!

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@Willow Thank you so much for your advice! I do agree that it's important not to force those things too much. I'll try to come up with a way to go about it that wouldn't rush anything. Once again, thank you for replying!

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