Sort of a Lousy Introduction

[Abigail Genevieve]

Well.  I'm 67 and I put down MTF because that was the closest to where I am at.  This is a lousy introduction because I would have to post decades of things I have written to make it particularly meaningful.  I've been to therapists who said that I need to decide what I want.  The last was ten years ago, and what I want is to keep some important relationships intact - I love my wife and I am her caretaker and she would never understand - she is under a lot of stress with health problems as it is.  I also have my Kobiyashi Maru - if I overdo attempting to look like a woman, I look in the mirror and say I look ridiculous, and take it off for a couple of months until the pressure builds to dress fem again.   What seems to work is women's clothing that looks like men's clothing.  Jeans, t-shirts, etc. with no lace or bling, stuff that you would assume is male because my face is scary-rugged and it MUST be guy clothing..  At the same time I have a number of biological oddities that suggest that I lean towards intersex: waist-hip ratio is between male and female, my 2D4D and carrying angle are those of a woman, and my gestures are purely feminine at times.  Women's jeans fit, men's do not.  I have thought about transitioning, and I also read some entries I have written about it and ask myself who wrote that?  The Kobiyashi Maru is a reference to Star Trek's unwinnable scenario, in which I can either relax and go girl or control myself and keep relationships intact.  It is a balancing act. 

I have posted on internet forums for over 10 years as a woman and I like it.  This is the first time in over ten years I have communicated any of this to anyone except God and my journal.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Abby.  Welcome!  Thank you for your introduction.

 

I don't have any answers for you.  You have a difficult balance to maintain between relationships and authenticity.  The right answer is whatever you decide to do.

 

This is a good place to discuss your feelings with others who are or may have been in similar situations.  If nothing else, you can vent and get ideas of what worked for others.  Feel free to peruse the forums and jump into any thread that interests you.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Abigail Genevieve]

Thanks.  Life is messy. 

[Abigail Genevieve]

The name is short for Abigail Genevieve.   So if you pronounce it, the second G is soft.  Or just call me Abby.

[VickySGV]

Welcome to the Forums, as @KathyLaurensaid, we are here to listen to you and help you live your life as you best can.

[Astrid]

2 hours ago, Abby Gen said:

I'm 67 and I put down MTF because that was the closest to where I am at. 

 

Welcome, Abby Gen! I'm 74 and non-binary, which has a widely different way of expressing itself among folks, and is often not understood very well by others.

 

2 hours ago, Abby Gen said:

if I overdo attempting to look like a woman, I look in the mirror and say I look ridiculous, and take it off for a couple of months until the pressure builds to dress fem again.   What seems to work is women's clothing that looks like men's clothing.

 

You're not alone. The repeating cycle is certainly something that I experienced for many years in secret, until the pressure and anger became not just uncomfortable but dominated my personality. I am a gentle and kind person by nature, and I intensely disliked what denial did to me.  Women's clothing is now an important part of my expression, and second nature to wear.  Since I've also been on HRT patches (estradiol) for 4+ uears, men's clothing often doesn't fit me well anymore, and I find it has little appeal as well.

 

2 hours ago, Abby Gen said:

Women's jeans fit, men's do not.

 

Yep.

 

Everyone's journey follows a somewhat unique path, and I wish you well as you ponder what to do going forward.  

Your love and care for your spouse are admirable, supportive, and important.  As my spouse witnessed first-hand that most things in our relationship did not change with my non-binaryness, it greatly releaved stress.

 

Kind regards,

 

Astrid

[Abigail Genevieve]

4 minutes ago, Astrid said:

 

 

You're not alone. The repeating cycle is certainly something that I experienced for many years in secret, until the pressure and anger became not just uncomfortable but dominated my personality. I am a gentle and kind person by nature, and I intensely disliked what denial did to me.  Women's clothing is now an important part of my expression, and second nature to wear.  Since I've also been on HRT patches (estradiol) for 4+ uears, men's clothing often doesn't fit me well anymore, and I find it has little appeal as well.

 

 

 

I got tired of purging, because it is expensive the next time the tide rolls in.  And I lost some clothes that I loved.  I introduced the male-looking female clothes and I pass as a man.  Funny to say that.  I went through a time when I thought it was unfair that people had to deal with me when they thought they were dealing with a man and I was subliminally acting like a woman in my responses.  Not fair: they had no warning.  That sounds  like I am 100% F but I am not.  One therapist was convinced that once she looked past my appearance,  I was a girl.  It's not that simple or easy and people want to make it simple and easy, only to find this can be incredibly difficult to deal with.

[EasyE]

Welcome @Abby Gen ... You are not alone in feeling like you are in an unwinnable situation. There are a lot of us who recognize that our inner desires (in my case, the desire to present more feminine as someone born male) are incongruent with all that is expected of us from those closest to us. We know that to step down the path to satisfying our desires could mean the end of many significant relationships. In my case, throw in a religious component (I am Catholic) and well, unwinnable indeed.

 

Sending positive vibes and grace and encouragement your way. I think you'll find this is a safe place full of many kind people who are here to listen and walk the path with you...

 

Easy

 

 

 

 

[Heather Shay]

@Abby Gen BYW it is not a lousy intro. It is honest and I relate to many of your worries, but you have all the earmarks of MTF. I watched a wonderful movie called "NORMAL" with Jessica Lange and Tom Wilkerson. Tom certainly is the least likely MTF I've seen in movies and he to she did it anyway to preserve inner truth. At one point, wife Jessica Lange finally accepts her and helps her learn. A line Jessica says in the movie really struck home and whenever I know I am not anyway near looking womanlike I'm reminded of it. She said " Come on, let's look at you. You have to use what you've been given." And that is SO TRUTH and not just MTF's but everyone as not all women look feminine and not all men look masculine.

Glad you are hear.

Hugs,

Heather

[Abigail Genevieve]

10 hours ago, EasyE said:

Welcome @Abby Gen ... You are not alone in feeling like you are in an unwinnable situation. There are a lot of us who recognize that our inner desires (in my case, the desire to present more feminine as someone born male) are incongruent with all that is expected of us from those closest to us. We know that to step down the path to satisfying our desires could mean the end of many significant relationships. In my case, throw in a religious component (I am Catholic) and well, unwinnable indeed.

 

Sending positive vibes and grace and encouragement your way. I think you'll find this is a safe place full of many kind people who are here to listen and walk the path with you...

 

Easy

 

 

 

 

I've read any number of transgender testimonies where someone is thrown out of church over this: the pastor says you are no longer welcome here.     Some denominations are very accepting of transgender people, others are not. I've looked at the Catholic position and read of some non-passing TG Catholics who have been wholeheartedly welcomed into the ladies' groups.  Some Catholic churches are ultra-traditional and some are very open - you might be able to locate a parish you can feel at home in. 

 

This is something I've navigated in churches.   I have talked about it with two different pastors over the years and one counselor, and the response is the same.  I need to figure out what I want, and do it.  Thanks a lot.  I can only do A, or I can only do B. I must do one or another. There is no C.  I don't want A or B so I work towards D.   

[Willow]

@Abby Gen welcome to Transgender Pulse.  I, as do many of us understand that different denominations and even different churches within the same denomination can have differences of acceptance.  I have not changed denominations but I did have to change churches going from a congregation that was very friendly towards me before I came out and barely said hi to me afterwards.  Now I have a minister who is very accepting of all of Gods children and a loving congregation where I am fully accepted.  Unfortunately, depending on your beliefs and where you live, that isn’t an easy thing to find.

 

Keep strong and listen HE will lead you to where you need to be.

 

Willow

[Sally Stone]

19 hours ago, Abby Gen said:

and what I want is to keep some important relationships intact

Abby, like you, I was never willing to risk the relationships in my life.  That said, I needed to find a way to express my feminine side.  I learned I could have it both ways, expressing both the male and female components of my personality.  After choosing this life path, which initially I thought was only going to be a compromise, I discovered that I was actually quite happy and content.  I realized that my happy place was to walk in both masculine and feminine shoes, doing it whenever I chose.   Obviously, mine is not a life path that many would choose, but it works for me and more importantly, it works for my wife.  For your situation, I hope you can find your own happy place.  It does take a lot of soul searching and head scratching, but I'm confident you'll find it.  

[Abigail Genevieve]

9 minutes ago, Sally Stone said:

Abby, like you, I was never willing to risk the relationships in my life.  That said, I needed to find a way to express my feminine side.  I learned I could have it both ways, expressing both the male and female components of my personality.  After choosing this life path, which initially I thought was only going to be a compromise, I discovered that I was actually quite happy and content.  I realized that my happy place was to walk in both masculine and feminine shoes, doing it whenever I chose.   Obviously, mine is not a life path that many would choose, but it works for me and more importantly, it works for my wife.  For your situation, I hope you can find your own happy place.  It does take a lot of soul searching and head scratching, but I'm confident you'll find it.  

Literally!  You can go to a box retailer and find women's shoes that look exactly like men's, and then there are unisex shoes. Women's jeans that look like men's (Boyfriend, some are called) and t-shirts.  I can be all decked out en femme and no one would know unless they are looking, and they don't look.  I can "borrow a t-shirt from my husband" which is really mine, without asking him, because he is me. Like many women.  I steal his clothes all the time and he never complains. He knows.   Sort of cross-cross dressing.  

[Carolyn Marie]

58 minutes ago, Abby Gen said:

Literally!  You can go to a box retailer and find women's shoes that look exactly like men's, and then there are unisex shoes. Women's jeans that look like men's (Boyfriend, some are called) and t-shirts.  I can be all decked out en femme and no one would know unless they are looking, and they don't look.

 

For the six months prior to my coming out, I wore women's ankle boots that looked enough like men's that only one coworker even commented on it, only because I had never worn boots before. 

 

Carolyn Marie

[EasyE]

4 hours ago, Abby Gen said:

I can "borrow a t-shirt from my husband" which is really mine, without asking him, because he is me. Like many women.  I steal his clothes all the time and he never complains. He knows.   Sort of cross-cross dressing.  

now my head is spinning, lol 😉

[Abigail Genevieve]

5 hours ago, EasyE said:

now my head is spinning, lol 😉

You should see mine sometimes.

 

Like 1) I really got on here and 2) I really posted THAT and 3) It's real, laid out in some detail.  Not everything but enough to get some idea.

 

It helps in girl mode to think I am borrowing my husband's clothes. I know they fit. :))

[EasyE]

"Are you wearing women's clothes?"

 

"No, I am wearing MY clothes..."

 

 

[April Marie]

Welcome Abby!! I think you'll find a few of us here in similar situations both in relationships and age. Keeping my marriage intact has been, and will always be, my biggest priority. My love for my wife is more important than life itself....but you know the consternation that causes.

 

I came out, unexpectedly, to my wife a little over a year ago. It was a shock, of course, but we've found our way through it. I'll never fully transition, probably, but find myself more and more comfortable letting my true gender identity take control. Went out in public for the first time this past week and it was so uplifting.

 

Each of us face different realities of our lives that, in some ways, dictates our decision on how we proceed. Walking the line between who people think we are and who we truly are is a difficult path...but not impossible. I find that the longer I do it, the wider the path becomes. Less stressful and more fulfilling.

 

I know you haven't had much success with therapists, but a good gender therapist would help you find your way, not just tell you that you need to decide. Being trans isn't an either/or proposition. It's a spectrum and each of us can find happiness somewhere on it - not just at either end.

 

Like you, I found relief in switching to female types of clothing and appearing more androgynous. I'm growing out my hair, had my ears pierced at age 68. When people comment, which they rarely do, I tell them I'm getting the band back together. 🙂 When I'm unable to express my true self, I almost always have a light-weight bra on, almost always wear women's jeans ( they just fit me better), wear tights in the winter and unisex sneakers and shoes. All that helps to tamp down the dysphoria.

 

I know none of this is easy, especially when caring for a sick spouse. Just know you are not alone, that each of us is unique but we also have many things in common.

 

You found a safe place here. Welcome.

[Ivy]

Welcome Abigail 

[Abigail Genevieve]

10 hours ago, EasyE said:

"Are you wearing women's clothes?"

 

"No, I am wearing MY clothes..."

 

 

Hah!

"No, this shirt is my husband's."

"Ohhh."

"But he is me."

<head explodes>

 

The point being that I know many women who do not hesitate to take hubby's clothes, or wear a football jersey in support of their team.  OTOH no men that I know would borrow anything from their wives in fear of losing their man card.  That precious man card, which if you lose you are no longer considered a man.

[EasyE]

I have had this talk several times with my wife ... things like this aren't an issue for her because there isn't any article of clothing, save for maybe a jock strap, that she can't wear and no one will say anything! And even when a female wears traditional masculine clothing, they look even more feminine! 

 

She doesn't understand the angst it can cause to be barred from a large segment of clothing because of societal norms... and the threat of losing the man card... 

[Ashley0616]

Hi Abby! 

 

It's a great name one of my nieces has that name. It's great what you are already doing. It can be daunting at first. It's good that you have curves! I would have a talk with your wife and just get her viewpoint of how she sees trans people. She might actually be accepting unless of course she has stated otherwise. It's great that you are taking care of her! My wife abandoned me without a goodbye. I hope that you will have her and you can live how you feel most comfortable. 

[Ivy]

55 minutes ago, Abby Gen said:

That precious man card, which if you lose you are no longer considered a man.

I turned mine in a few years ago.

 

16 minutes ago, EasyE said:

save for maybe a jock strap

Kristen Stewart did it.

[KathyLauren]

2 hours ago, Abby Gen said:

That precious man card, which if you lose you are no longer considered a man.

 

Except if you consciously and deliberately give it up.  Then it's "No, you're a man.  You'll always be a man."  🙄😡

[Abigail Genevieve]

1 hour ago, KathyLauren said:

 

Except if you consciously and deliberately give it up.  Then it's "No, you're a man.  You'll always be a man."  🙄😡

I was thinking of this during church today because the monthly men's meeting is coming up, to which I don't go.  I don't hunt or fish or woodwork or detail my car or follow sports teams, which sort of shuts me off of the general flow of fellowship right then and there, flunking the ice breaking questions.  I manage somehow, when I have gone, to throw away my man card.  

 

I didn't know I could get the card back by coming out.  That would be a conversation starter.