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Abigail Genevieve

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57 minutes ago, EasyE said:

This is a new phenomenon for me. It used to be, as long as I had on women's underwear I was fine. Now, I feel like a bra is a must-have when I get dressed (and I love the Y-back or racer-back varieties).

Yeah.  It puzzles me, too, because I am an outlier here.  I don't know if I will feel the need for more someday. 

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Girl. Not 'mode', just girl.  Theory of the day is that there was insufficient masculinization of the fetus both in the brain and in the skeleton, causing a female body image and basic emotional structure, under layers of testosterone informed flesh, social expectations, and history.  Dysphoria. But I can live happily with this.

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This is the point where, numerous times, I say to myself, there is no dysphoria, I am making this all up, I might as well go live in guy clothes because there are no problems that I see. I am fine.  Then it is like walking out of the calm behind a building into a high wind when I switch.

 

This time I do not want to mess things up by messing them up. This is different, new territory, a different day.  I like this. That, I do not like.

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Being a girl is not a destination but a state of being.  That is what I am, even if the outward interface is mainly male.

 

Yesterday I looked in the mirror.  I was wearing women's jeans and a t-shirt I think of as borrowed from my husband (me) and I said, huh.  You could almost pass.  Wide hips, waist significantly narrower than the hips, pecs that poke. 

 

And then this guy came to the front door.  We have three steps up, a landing, a step into the house.  He was at the bottom and I opened the door and he was checking me out, liking it, until he got to my angry face because he was wasting me time admiring my feminine charms and I wanted to know what he wanted.  He also saw my short hair, untrimmed eyebrows, mustache and men's glasses and reversed his assessment of me to "sir" with some disbelief.

 

I am wondering if, as I age, and testosterone and estrogen production decrease, if this weird body of mine is going to continue to crank out estrogen and pass the t-rate.  Weird thought.  Despite weight lifting and exercise I have these ballerina arms.

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4 hours ago, Abby Gen said:

Being a girl is not a destination but a state of being.  That is what I am, even if the outward interface is mainly male.

 

Yesterday I looked in the mirror.  I was wearing women's jeans and a t-shirt I think of as borrowed from my husband (me) and I said, huh.  You could almost pass.  Wide hips, waist significantly narrower than the hips, pecs that poke. 

 

And then this guy came to the front door.  We have three steps up, a landing, a step into the house.  He was at the bottom and I opened the door and he was checking me out, liking it, until he got to my angry face because he was wasting me time admiring my feminine charms and I wanted to know what he wanted.  He also saw my short hair, untrimmed eyebrows, mustache and men's glasses and reversed his assessment of me to "sir" with some disbelief.

 

I am wondering if, as I age, and testosterone and estrogen production decrease, if this weird body of mine is going to continue to crank out estrogen and pass the t-rate.  Weird thought.  Despite weight lifting and exercise I have these ballerina arms.

I'm sorry! I can imagine how that must have hurt. He should have simply not said anything. When I sold my push mower to a guy I was dressed up and no facial hair and had the perfect voice and he still called me sir. It hurt for a little bit but then didn't value his opinion. 

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1 hour ago, Ashley0616 said:

I'm sorry! I can imagine how that must have hurt. He should have simply not said anything. When I sold my push mower to a guy I was dressed up and no facial hair and had the perfect voice and he still called me sir. It hurt for a little bit but then didn't value his opinion. 

It didn't hurt at all.  I wasn't trying to pass - mustache, short hair for starters.  I was rather shocked that his initial impression was that I am a girl until he saw my face.  In some ways it tells me that I am not off base in how I see myself physically.

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At the moment the whole idea of returning to guy mode is dead.  It never really worked.  At the same time, I interact with the external world mainly through a male presentation.  My wife likes me because I am the kindest, gentlest, considerate man she has ever met.  She sees me as a guy and I have talked to her before about this and now is not the time to discuss it with her due to health challenges. 

 

Most men would not do the amount of care taking I do. I know guys who would have left her or shoved her in a nursing home.  This issue is one of the things that forced me to confront the whole gender id thing.  She NEEDS a husband who is a woman inside - God's providence. She also NEEDS a husband who is a man on the outside. God's providence again.

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28 minutes ago, Abby Gen said:

It didn't hurt at all.  I wasn't trying to pass - mustache, short hair for starters.  I was rather shocked that his initial impression was that I am a girl until he saw my face.  In some ways it tells me that I am not off base in how I see myself physically.

I was TRYING to look like a guy and it wasn't working.  

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58 minutes ago, Abby Gen said:

She NEEDS a husband who is a woman inside - God's providence. She also NEEDS a husband who is a man on the outside. God's providence again.

Oh, that is deep ... I think my wife, if she was honest with herself, might say something similar... but she is scared of anything remotely transgender and thinks that I am living in sin if I let any of this bubble to the surface in my life... 

 

One of the reasons I think she was attracted to me in the first place was that I was a gentle, soft-spoken person (she grew up with a very authoritative father who ruled with an iron fist, whom she was very afraid of and whom didn't really acknowledge her opinions) ... I guess you can be feminine as a guy as long as you don't want to dress the part... :-)

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4 minutes ago, EasyE said:

Oh, that is deep ... I think my wife, if she was honest with herself, might say something similar... but she is scared of anything remotely transgender and thinks that I am living in sin if I let any of this bubble to the surface in my life... 

 

One of the reasons I think she was attracted to me in the first place was that I was a gentle, soft-spoken person (she grew up with a very authoritative father who ruled with an iron fist, whom she was very afraid of and whom didn't really acknowledge her opinions) ... I guess you can be feminine as a guy as long as you don't want to dress the part... :-)

It's cultural.  I knew a man from India who was very soft spoken, self-effacing, and what we would call stereo typically feminine and weak.  My dad, and perhaps hers, were World War 2 combat vets who valued rough, tough and silent-re-emotions-except-shouting; my father in law loved the movie Patton because it extolled the ideal man, Patton.  He despised me by the way.  People are healthiest when they can move between what we typify as culturally feminine and masculine traits.  I think some boys are pushed into thinking themselves transgender because they don't conform to the stereotype of the Marlboro Man or Clint Eastwood, John Wayne, Steve Seagal or a few others. On the other hand, Chuck Norris displayed a slightly more balanced male model.  This does not deny the whole transgender thing.

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Thinking about growing a ponytail and getting rid of some guy clothes.   The first is impractical because I have a lot of hair loss, the second may be achievable but unwise at this point.

 

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It's never unwise to de-clutter. ;)

 

I had to get rid of a lot of my guy clothes, mostly work clothing: button downs and polo-type shirts that didn't fit my chest, even before HRT. I kept my suits, but most of the jackets don't fit at all and their accompanying slacks won't or soon won't fit my thighs and butt. Otherwise, all I have left of my guy clothes are novelty t-shirts, Liverpool FC jerseys, and some athletic wear.

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5 minutes ago, MaeBe said:

It's never unwise to de-clutter. ;)

 

I had to get rid of a lot of my guy clothes, mostly work clothing: button downs and polo-type shirts that didn't fit my chest, even before HRT. I kept my suits, but most of the jackets don't fit at all and their accompanying slacks won't or soon won't fit my thighs and butt. Otherwise, all I have left of my guy clothes are novelty t-shirts, Liverpool FC jerseys, and some athletic wear.

Some time ago I bought these panties with a narrow not-sure-what-to-call-them where my junk just fell out and got pinched. I found two more pair and they went into the give-away bag we have.  So I purged some girl stuff already. Go figure.  Do I feel all macho now and am ready to beat my chest?  No.  I feel for feminine.  I have some men's jeans that have holes in them that may go into that bag.  Currently I have two pairs of women's jeans hanging in the closet next to the surviving men's jeans, which may go down to a crate in the basement where I keep stuff. 

 

This thing about men's stuff not fitting....that's the reason on 3/26 I woke up and put on women's clothing, because it fits.  The men's stuff fit a few months ago.  I'm thinking something is happening with the production of estrogen versus testosterone over here that I like,actually, and I can say it's not all in my head. 

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1 minute ago, Abby Gen said:

not-sure-what-to-call-them

Gusset

 

1 minute ago, Abby Gen said:

The men's stuff fit a few months ago.

Welcome to my 2022! ;)

I have some men's jeans I keep around, but boy are they snug in the thighs now. They were a just little snug and they ticked the skinny jean box in my brain for a while, but they just became a gateway to actual women's jeans this Winter. They are incompatible with some of my underwear now, too; super low rise. No whale sightings here! ;)

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4 minutes ago, MaeBe said:

Gusset

 

Welcome to my 2022! ;)

I have some men's jeans I keep around, but boy are they snug in the thighs now. They were a just little snug and they ticked the skinny jean box in my brain for a while, but they just became a gateway to actual women's jeans this Winter. They are incompatible with some of my underwear now, too; super low rise. No whale sightings here! ;)

I miss those big pockets.  I have some women's cargo shorts with great pockets, but the women's jeans all seem to have these dorky little pockets.  Big back pockets at least.  I can stick my keys and that is it in a front pocket and a wallet in the rear pocket.

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1 minute ago, Abby Gen said:

I miss those big pockets

I am a full time purse persons now. It's amazing how badly keys and wallets obliterate your figure, I mean, your pants pockets!

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3 minutes ago, MaeBe said:

I am a full time purse persons now. It's amazing how badly keys and wallets obliterate your figure, I mean, your pants pockets!

I've worked with at least one woman who avoided carrying a purse whenever possible.  And ladies who get to work and the first thing they do is to stick the big old purse in a bottom desk drawer and lock it.

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6 minutes ago, MaeBe said:

I am a full time purse persons now. It's amazing how badly keys and wallets obliterate your figure, I mean, your pants pockets!

I really like your profile picture.  It's cute.

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3 minutes ago, Abby Gen said:

And ladies who get to work and the first thing they do is to stick the big old purse in a bottom desk drawer and lock it.

I am a home office employee, so no need to lock the purse up and is cross slung when I go out.

 

3 minutes ago, Abby Gen said:

I really like your profile picture.  It's cute.

Thank you, I used Microsoft Designer to make it. It looks nothing like me, except the glasses and eye color. :D

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3 minutes ago, MaeBe said:

 

 

Thank you, I used Microsoft Designer to make it. It looks nothing like me, except the glasses and eye color. :D

My little duckling doesn't look a whole lot like me, either!

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Some of my daughters use those phone cases with a place for a bankcard and ID.  As for myself, I like my purse.  But I'm an old retired lady these days.

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I could look it up in my journal but some three or four years ago I decided to slowly replace male clothing with female clothing of the same sort as the male clothing wears out.  I've been doing that, so I have a mix.

 

 A lot of good things happened and happen with me using my male name.  I have no desire to change it or erase my past. Some women get named with a boy's name at birth and live with it.

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38 minutes ago, Abby Gen said:

A lot of good things happened and happen with me using my male name.  I have no desire to change it or erase my past.

I don't reject my past either.  But I have entered a new chapter of my life, and this chapter has a new name.  I realize that everyone is not in the same place as me.  We all have to play the cards we have been given.

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4 minutes ago, Ivy said:

I don't reject my past either.  But I have entered a new chapter of my life, and this chapter has a new name.  I realize that everyone is not in the same place as me.  We all have to play the cards we have been given.

Yeah. I kinda like being called Abby.   Many women who are Michael John (not my name) find something, like Michelle or Jane or even Daisy or something, to be called by.

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2 minutes ago, Abby Gen said:

Many women who are Michael John (not my name) find something, like Michelle……

I thought about feminizing my birth name. (which I never did like much)  But I went with something completely different, even altering the spelling of my last name.  

I like being Ivy Anna.

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