Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

As the crow flies


AsTheCrow

Recommended Posts

Just now, Josie Beth said:

My favorite movie! Aaasss yooouuu wiiiiiisssshhhh!!!! 

Lmfao!! YESSSSSS!!!! My wife and all my friends still make fun of me for it. What do they know anyways! ?

 

Glad you are well. Being busy isn’t a bad thing. 

Link to comment
  • Replies 102
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

  • AsTheCrow

    47

  • Jani

    31

  • Kirsten

    8

  • jae bear

    4

Top Posters In This Topic

  • Forum Moderator

Hello Jay, I've wondered how you have been.  Keep checking in as you can. 

 

Hugs, Jani

Link to comment

It's been a rough couple of months since mid-November or so; I've been in the worst depressive episode I've had since I was a teenager.

 

I'm still seeing my therapist, and in the next couple of weeks I will probably start antidepressant medication. So theoretically things will start looking up soon.

 

I plan to keep you posted.

Link to comment

You go girl! Be who you ARE! I went through depression, too. I contemplated suicide. I called the hotline. I am here to testify. Once I decided 'f' it, and decided to be ME, my life changed, I attracted the right kind of people into my life, I began to live confidently, I changed my legal name and gender marker, I AM who I AM. Yay! I enjoy life more than ever, now. I'm actually happy for the first time. I never knew what that felt like before. You can do it, too, girl! Your avatar is very pretty. You're an attractive woman. Own it, girl! Much love your way!

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I'm sorry to read you have been down for so long.  Taking something is probably warranted.  Keep your spirits up as best you can. There are lots of good things in our lives to be happy about.  The tough times don't last.  

 

Cheers, Jani  

Link to comment

Exercise is another great way to change your mood. Exercise releases endorphins which make you happy and that would at least help some when it came to depression. Might be a good addition to the meds. 

Link to comment

Doc appointment for meds is on Jan 29.

 

Meanwhile, I got in trouble at work for using my name. Apparently the company perceives my name as an alias because it hasn't been legally changed from my deadname, and using an alias breaks some kind of state law in a state where one of my customers is.

 

So now I have the great joy of using my deadname a few times a day.

 

I don't have it in me to fight this right now, but when things are going better I fully intend to.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Sorry to hear this.  This sounds like an odd rule.  It must be rooted in some sort of deception prevention rules.  You might be able to switch up to using your initials "JM".  I can't see that being secretive or deceitful as it is correct.  You could also make the case to your supervisor that your DL doesn't have your "birth" name on it either and the state is fine with it. 

 

Jani

Link to comment

Yes, part of my job is technically collections, and some states have very strict rules about that.

 

I understand the intent of the law, and since I have not legally changed my name (and don't intend to do so) I don't really have a choice but to use my deadname in those states.

 

It is.... not ideal. Already having a rough time with mental wellness. Don't really need this added stressor right now.

 

Anyway, I have an appointment on Tuesday which will almost certainly result in having a prescription for antidepressants. So things might look up someday soon.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I know your name has some "history" but have you considered a change to an androgynous version of sorts?   You could use Jay as your first name with the understanding it is related to your birth name.  You could even come up with a short version of your middle name or use the French/Latin version which could be feminine or masculine.   

Link to comment
  • 4 weeks later...

Coming up on three weeks on the antidepressant. Side effects were pretty rough for the first week or so.

 

I might feel a little better, but it's still early, and I'm on a smallish dose at the moment which we will likely increase.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I'm sorry to hear the med is causing negative side effects.  Hopefully the good effects ill take hold.  

 

Happy birthday!  

Link to comment

Talked to the doc today, we're increasing my dosage and she seems satisfied with my progress.

Link to comment

thanks! I'm optimistic.

 

maybe when I get out from under this depression I can actually start improving other aspects of my life.

 

in other news, one of my young cousins has announced she's getting married to her long-time roommate, another woman. First openly LGBTQ person in that party of my family.  I've been out for 20 years now but not with that part of the family. I haven't heard yet what the reaction has been, but I will do everything in my power to make it across the country to get to that wedding. I'm so proud of her!

 

sorta gives me hope that I might be able to really transition some day without getting absolutely disowned.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Great news about your cousin!  Congrats to them.  Maybe this will be just the thing for you to open up to that side of the family.  I'm sure your cousin would appreciate it.  

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
7 hours ago, AsTheCrow said:

sorta gives me hope that I might be able to really transition some day without getting absolutely disowned.

My wife and I battle with this too.  Neither of us want to lose our kids or grandkids.  We know it's likely going to come out sometime soon and we are accepting that fact more every day.  The unpredictability of it all makes it so hard to get up one day and say, "Well, looks like today's the day!"  We acknowledge the path I'm on is never going to change but are hoping to postpone the inevitable until it's absolutely necessary.

 

Jay, I hope all goes well with the other side of your family.  I'm sure it will go well.

 

Susan R?

Link to comment
  • 1 month later...

I think I'm gender fluid.

 

I've been feeling fairly masculine for the last month or two, and have been enjoying wearing masculine clothes and keeping my hair back and not wearing jewelry--etc etc.

 

When I realized I was feeling mannish, I spent some time introspecting. And I landed on this: I want to be able to dress and appear and identify however I want, and acknowledge that it will change from time to time.

 

I think if I can get to the point where I'm comfortable with that fluid identity, I won't really care so much about pronouns? Maybe?

 

Right now my goal is to eliminate feelings of guilt and disappointment in myself. There is no innate value in having one gender instead of others, and I need to embrace the idea of fluidity.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Well thats a neat revelation!  Nothing wrong with finding the true you.  You can present as you wish, whether it be womanly or manly.  It can all depend upon how you feel, dress and present yourself in the world.  There is certainly no need to feel guilty about being you.  You are unique and that is a good thing.  
 

Cheers!  Jani  

Link to comment
  • 1 month later...

Woof. I tried the gender filter on Snapchat everyone's talking about, and "girl" me so pretty and feminine that I cried a little. I won't be looking like that in this lifetime no matter how good at makeup I get. She's pretty but she's not me. 

 

I can't stop looking at the picture and I'm pretty sure that's not a good thing.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hello Jay!   Those filters don't necessarily represent the person will are or can be.  From the photos you've posted you are beautiful!  I hope you're doing well. 

 

Jani

Link to comment
  • 2 months later...

Well, after Many Months of the worst depressive episode I've ever had, I have finally figured it out. It's my JOB that's getting to me. This job makes me super unhappy, and I'm not good at it, and I've been doing it for over three years now.

 

It's like a lightbulb has gone off. I need to find a new job that I like better, closer to home, and less stressful.

 

And just over a week after that realization, I got a job offer for just such a position. Now there's only a credit check standing between me and the job I need. Hopefully that won't be a problem.

 

I have noticed that the more depressed I am, the more I default to masculine presentation. It's been so long since I wore earrings one of my holes had almost closed up when I tried to put some in yesterday.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I'm glad to hear you are doing better.  Having a job that wears us down is not good in many ways.  I hope your final check goes through without issue.  

Jani

Link to comment
  • 3 months later...

Checking in.  That job didn't work out but I am employed.

 

Used a women's restroom for the first time today. With my current presentation I just felt super uncomfortable walking into a men's room. Uneventful. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hello Jay.  Sorry to hear the job wasn't right.  But it does appear you're moving onward in life.  Good for you.  Uneventful is what life should be for the most part.  

 

Thanks for checking in.

Jani

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 152 Guests (See full list)

    • Abigail Genevieve
    • Susie
    • Betty K
    • MaybeRob
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.4k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,029
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Selkimur
    Newest Member
    Selkimur
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Anyatimenow
      Anyatimenow
      (23 years old)
    2. Aria00
      Aria00
    3. Ava B.
      Ava B.
      (24 years old)
    4. Claire Heshi
      Claire Heshi
    5. CrystalMatthews0426
      CrystalMatthews0426
      (41 years old)
  • Posts

    • Abigail Genevieve
      I have read numerous accounts of trans folk no longer being welcome among evangelicals.   I am here for help and fellowship not to rebuke anyone.  I can take a pretty high degree of insult, etc., and you haven't insulted me, to my recollection anyway :) and I usually let it go.  But I thought I would let it all out there.   I am sure I disagree with you on numerous issues.  I appreciate other people's viewpoints, including those who radically disagree with me.  Intellectual challenge is good. One thing I appreciate about @MaeBe.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Congrats!
    • Sally Stone
      Post 8 “The Ohio Years” We moved to Pittsburgh because of the job with US Airways.  The job involved classroom instruction and simulator training, but no actual flying, so I kept looking for an actual pilot position.  A year after signing on with US Airways I got hired to fly business jets.  The company was located in Cleveland, Ohio, but I was flown commercially from my home in Pittsburgh to where my aircraft was located, making it unnecessary to live near company headquarters.    My flight scheduled consisted of eight days on duty with seven days off.  Having seven days off in a row was great but being gone from home eight days in a row was difficult.  For the first few years the flying was fun, but after a while the eight flying days in a row, were taking their toll on me.  Those days were brutal, consisting of very long hours and a lot of flying time.  Usually, I came home exhausted and need three days just to recover from the work week.  Flying for a living is glamorous until you actually do it.  Quickly, it became just a job.    After five years as a line captain, I became a flight department manager, which required we live near company headquarters.  That meant a move to Cleveland.  Working in the office meant I was home every night but as a manager, the schedule was still challenging.  I would work in the office all week and then be expected to go out and fly the line on weekends.  I referred to it as my “5 on 2 on” schedule, because it felt as though I had no time off at all.   About the same time, we moved to Cleveland, my wife and I became “empty nesters,” with one son in the military and the other away at college.  Sadly, my work schedule didn’t leave much time for Sally.  Add to the fact that while Cleveland is an awesome city, I just never felt comfortable expressing my feminine side.  Most of my outings, and believe me there weren’t enough, occurred while I was on vacation and away from home.   One of the most memorable outings occurred over a long weekend.  I had stumbled across an online notice for a spring formal being held in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, hosted by a local trans group there.  I reached out to Willa to see if she was up for an excellent adventure.  She was, so I picked her up and we drove to Harrisburg together.    The formal was held on Saturday evening and we had the absolute best time.  It turned out that organizers were a group named TransCentralPA.  Everyone was wonderful and I made a lot of new friends that evening.  We learned the spring formal was one of the group’s annual events but for the following year, instead of a spring formal, the group wanted to do a local transgender conference.  That local conference would become the Keystone Conference, and I would attend every year for the next 12.  My move to the west coast was the only reason I stopped attending annually.  I went to the first annual Keystone Conference as an attendee, but in subsequent years I served as a volunteer and as a workshop presenter; more about those in the next installment.   For my Cleveland years, the Keystone Conference would be my major outlet for feminine self-expression.  Yes, I did get out on other occasions, but they were too infrequent.  The managerial job just didn’t allow me the freedom I needed to adequately live my feminine life, and my frustration level was slowly, but steadily on the rise.  It amazed me how adversely not being able to express the feminine half of my personality was affecting my happiness.   However, a major life change was upcoming, and while it would prove to be a significant challenge in many ways, the events would ultimately benefit my female persona.  First, my mom and dad got sick.  They were in and out of the hospital and required personal care.  My wife and I did our best but living in Cleveland, we were too far from them to give them the support they both needed.  Second, I was experiencing serious job burn out.  I decided I need to find another job and I needed to be closer to my parents.    Things changed for the better when I got hired by an aviation training company as a flight simulator instructor.  I would be training business jet pilots.  The training facility was located in New Jersey, which put us much closer to my parents, and the work schedule was much better for quality of life.  Most importantly, this life change would help Sally re-emerge and once again flower.    Hugs,   Sally       
    • Mmindy
      I made a living talking about bulk liquids in cargo tanks transportation as a driver and mechanic. Safe loading/unloading, cleaning and inspecting, as well as emergency response scenarios.   Hazmat and fire behavior in the fire service as well as emergency vehicle operations and safe driving. "It was on fire when they called you. It will be on fire when you get there." Arrive ready to work. I could also talk about firefighter behavioral  heath and the grieving process.   The real fun thing is I can do this for people who are not Truck Drivers or Fire Fighters. Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, Citizen Tax payers about Public Safety Education.   I love public speaking,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Mmindy
      Congratulations to the mom and family @Ivy on the addition of another child.   Hugs,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • MaeBe
      Congrats to you and yours!
    • Ashley0616
      YAY! Congratulations on a granddaughter!
    • Ashley0616
      I recommend CarComplaints.com | Car Problems, Car Complaints, & Repair/Recall Information. A lot of good information
    • LucyF
      I've got Spironolactone ___mg and Evorel ___mcg Patches (2 a week) going up to ___mg after 4 weeks 
    • Ivy
      Got a new Granddaughter this morning.  Mother and child (and father) are doing fine. This makes 7 granddaughters and one grandson.  I have 2 sons and 6 daughters myself.  And then I  switched teams.  I think this stuff runs in the family. Another hard day for the patriarchy.
    • Ivy
      Like @MaeBe pointed out, Trump won't do these things personally.  I doubt that he actually gives a rat's a$$ himself.  But he is the foot in the door for the others.   I don't really see this.  Personally, I am all in favor of "traditional" families.  I raised my own kids this way and it can work fine.  But I think we need to allow for other variations as well.   One thing working against this now is how hard it is for a single breadwinner to support a family.  Many people (I know some) would prefer "traditional" if they could actually afford it.  Like I mentioned, we raised our family with this model, but we were always right at the poverty level.   I was a "conservative evangelical" for most of my life, actually.  So I do understand this.  Admittedly, I no longer consider myself one. I have family members still in this camp.  Some tolerate me, one actually rejects me.  I assure you the rejection is on her side, not mine.  But, I understand she believes what she is doing is right - 'sa pity though. I mean no insult toward anyone on this forum.  You're free to disagree with me.  Many people do.   This is a pretty complex one.  Socialism takes many forms, many of which we accept without even realizing it.  "Classism" does exist, for what it's worth.  Always has, probably always will.  But I don't feel like that is a subject for this forum.   As for the election, it's shaping up to be another one of those "hold your nose" deals.
    • Ivy
      Just some exerts regarding subjects of interest to me.
    • Ivy
      Yeah.  In my early teens I trained myself out of a few things that I now wish I hadn't.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      I was thinking in particular of BLM, who years ago had a 'What We Believe' section that sounded like they were at war with the nuclear family.   I tried to find it. Nope.  Of interest https://www.politifact.com/article/2020/aug/28/ask-politifact-does-black-lives-matter-aim-destroy/   My time is limited and I will try to answer as I can.
    • Ivy
      Well, I suppose it is possible that they don't actually plan on doing what they say.  I'm not too sure I want to take that chance.  But I kinda expect to find out.  Yet, perhaps you're right and it's all just talk.  And anyway, my state GOP is giving me enough to worry about anyway. I remember a time when being "woke" just meant you were paying attention.  Now it means you are the antichrist. I just don't want the government "protecting" me from my personal "delusions."
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...