Is This Worth It?

[Guest Felicia Anne]

ok... i have come out to three female friends in the past three months...

now, only one of them is talking to me, and she has already told me that she prefers the male version of me more than the female. the second friend and i are not getting along, and the third... she won't even read my emails or take my calls anymore. and this is on top of my previous life lessons learned from trying to come out to my parents.

i am wondering if following this path is worth it if i lose the people i love. maybe i should just learn to be happy with what i was born as. because if the reaction of my parents and three close friends is any indication... i am going to lose everyone i love if i try and be a woman.

so why bother?

[Guest doodle]

Well that is what happens- sometimes they come back. If you decide that this is what you don't want, which is a good reason. Well than that is cool -you have just saved your self a lot of pain. It is always about you.

doodle

[Guest Evan_J]

In the end that really is the "big question" for everybody. Is it worth it? Is it worth what(ever) it may do to my employment prospects.? Is it worth what it may do to my relationships. Is the life I want more critical to my contentment in this lifetime than the life I already have? Those are the questions and the person who has to answer is you.

At one time I thought I could "suffer" the body as long as I didn't lose a particular girl. In the end though I was so "twisted" emotionally and inside myself because of the gender thing that I couldn't be with her anyway. She was "right there" living in the same house and I couldn't procede with the relationship because I couldn't do it in the body I wanted to do it in. I lost her anyway because I pulled away from her. So those are the kinds of questions/things you need to sort out. By not transitioning "what would happen?" ie "how would it leave you with yourself?"

For me, it doesn't really matter what aspect of my life you look at I "don't want it" if I can't have it as a man.

[Guest mia 1]

That's tough Felicia to answer. From my perspective and situation,I outed myself to my wife of 17 yrs. She freaked out for about 72 hrs and then her love for me cane through and we are happy together sharing life from a new persecutive. Outed myself to one of my friend from 5th grade and all I got was a one sentence email saying Happy New Year and nothing since.

You have to be Felicia and the posts that you have written say "this is me." Love me love my turtle, no just kidding about the turtle. But you are the Felicia that we all know and we all love you and if you fade backward to the guy persona, the world will cry for losing a beautiful young wonderful woman.

Stay with your new self you can always count on family and we are family here to help you as you keep your bearings and stay on this journey.

Don't look back, look to us.....Love ,,,Mia.

[Guest Kelly Ann]

Three friends in three months? Parent issues? Felicia regardless of which path you follow...there's always resistance. Your quote at the bottom of your posts says a whole lot more than anything I might...

""To be nobody but myself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make me the same as everybody else means to fight the hardest battle any human being can fight and never stop fighting." - e.e. cummings"

That was used for a reason...good friends come back 'round. Your parents will always be there, sometimes it will just take a bit longer for them to accept 'you as you'...they actually do right now...but they are doing their best to maintain the status quo. Parents are naturally protective of their children, the fear of the unknown involved in gender dysporia HAS to be crushing for them. Friends and lovers will come and go...there are always new ones just around the corner and just over the next hill too, the best ones stay through thick and thin. Keep smiling Felicia, it'll prop you up...along with all of our support here, Kelly Ann

[Sally]

Felicia Anne,

Sweetheart, I love you and you know from our past PM discussions that I am always here for you so I am going to take the gloves off and tell you exactly all of the information that you will need to make this decision.

Rule One: There are no guarantees in life!

Rule Two: No one can see the future!

Rule Three: You can not live in the past!

Rule Four: Everything changes!

Rule Five: No one can change the rules!

That sums up the framework for our lives.

You want a guarantee that you will have friends and be happy if you transition, not going to get one.

You want to know which future is better male or female, can't possibly know.

You want to keep all of the good things from the past with you into the future, it doesn't work that way the bad stuff follows you too.

You want to keep all of your friends just like they are, that won't happen even if you don't transition.

You can not change the rules, you can only change yourself.

The one and only question that you should be asking yourself is, "What is the source of my unhappiness?"

From our talks, I don't believe that for even one minute that you have felt that becoming a woman will solve all of your problems - it won't.

You must decide if your inner conflict, the need to be a woman, is something that you can just deal with in order to keep a few friends for as long as you can - they tend to drift off into their own lives anyway or will you be better off to transition and make new friends. Friends who are your friends because of who you are and not who you pretend to be.

That's it plain and simple, who are you living your life for, you or the transitory friends?

Answer that and you will be happy.

Still friends?

Sally

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Felicia Anne

Just two points here (1) Do you want to follow your heart? (2) What does your heart tell you about who you are?

All the rest is just part of the process - and it CAN be hard - very hard.

Lizzy

[Guest Jackson]

Felicia Anne, I know that it's difficult now. Life is difficult. Everyone has posted very good advice, thoughts, etc.

I reached my 36th birthday and was unhappy. I had previously thought about "defecting" about eight or ten years ago, but I didn't. I thought I could make it in life relatively happy the way I was born. Then my 36th birthday rolled around and I realized that I couldn't. The biggest thought: I did not want to be on my deathbed and realize that the biggest regret I had was not actually following through this process. My biggest fear: I will never find someone to share the rest of my life with me. But that has not stopped me either.

Let your friends have some time to get used to the idea. Someone who I never thought would really care one way or another was the person affected the most after my parents. I think she still has some unresolved anger at me for it too. But I didn't change my mind either.

Just think about it for a while. Let everything settle down and let life go on for a few months. You can always take stock of it then. But remember: life is hard. Nothing in life is certain other than death and taxes. And no one gets out alive.

[Guest Naomi Stardust]

doubts...

it would be nice if life were easy

but it ain't

i guess i don't have any good advise for you

but you've already got plenty

i just want you to be happy with whichever way you go

[Guest RainBird]

ok... i have come out to three female friends in the past three months...

now, only one of them is talking to me, and she has already told me that she prefers the male version of me more than the female. the second friend and i are not getting along, and the third... she won't even read my emails or take my calls anymore. and this is on top of my previous life lessons learned from trying to come out to my parents.

i am wondering if following this path is worth it if i lose the people i love. maybe i should just learn to be happy with what i was born as. because if the reaction of my parents and three close friends is any indication... i am going to lose everyone i love if i try and be a woman.

so why bother?

Hey Felicia

What is more important?......

Stopping yourself from being happy in the one life you have for the benifit of those who may not even be there for the long haul?...

Or go with gusto, embrace who you are and take the risk, meeting people along the way who will appreciate the real you?

If people don't hang around anymore after you tell them the truth, then they never really cared.

Some will adjust slowly, some will turn away, all in all you'll really know who the true friends are.

Not saying it is easy, it's actually hard to deal with at times. Follow your heart, it will guide you on the right track

In my own opinion and experiences I can say, Heck yes it's worth it!!

It's up to you

Much Luv.

xxoo

[Guest mia 1]

Great advice from great friends. It seems you are feeling better today by your latest post. Stay beautiful your spirit says you are the women you want to be.

Three friends on one hand and a hundred friends on the forum on the other hand.. We love you Mia.

[Guest Irielle]

Follow your heart and follow your dreams, everything good will come from that.

That doesn't mean it will always be easy, but it will be YOU.

My opinion is that if when I tell a friend something about me that shows I trust them and they mean enough to me that I want them to know who I really am, and they turn away, then they weren't that good a friend to begin with.

If they just need some time to absorb things, that's just fine, they will return. If they don't, oh ,well. I move on.

The important thing is for you to be happy. We all want that for you.

Love and a big hug, Iri

[Guest Amanda L Richards]

Felicia Anne

You are always faced with only ever two choices in life in anything that you do. Either you do, or you don't, either you go, or you stay. This is a dualistic world, polar opposites, and that is what gives you only two choices.

When I realized this, I knew that I was faced with just the two when I outed myself to people that i knew. It was only going to be a 50/50 outcome. Either they will accept, or they won't. Ultimately the choice you make will either increase your pain in the long run, or it can decrease it. Or the better way to look at it is that your choice can increase your happiness in the long run, or you decrease it. But also remember that if you increase your happiness in the long run, then expect pain in the short term. Usually when you increase your happiness in the short term, it causes more pain in the long run.

Basically I believe that you are on this path because your nature brought you here. inevitably you will be faced with these choices, and you will decide based on what you are feeling. The one thing to remember is that when you change from one path in life to another, people are going to disappear from your life so that new ones that fit your purpose better suited to you in your new life will be there.

In life I have found that every time you make astep forward in your journey, you are utlimately changing lanes as you go along. This means that some of the other people that travelled along side of you are gong to end up in a diferent place than you. But now youare along side some different people, and they are going to be travelling with you for some distance, and if the both of you are destined for the same place, then they will go with you all the way. If not then they will dissappear and others will take their place to continue to travel with you.

I hope that made sense to you. And if it did, then I hope you will understand that by losing some people on the journey doesn't mean a bad thing. It just means that you are doing what you are supposed to, and you will ultimately end up with better than there was before. The better in this case is people that can see the real you if you see it yourself. This means that you don't have to lie about yourself anymore. In my experience that means a much easier life. You can focus now on what you really want.

I do hope this makes sense. Just take some time to reevaluate where you are now. The pain you are experiencing now doesn't mean you made a bad mistake, just means your life is changing, kind of like growing pains in puberty, the changes caused all sorts of chaos, emotionally, physically etc etc.

Just take a breather and look a little wider at the picture.

Luv

Amanda LR

[Guest Felicia Anne]

my heartfelt love and thanks to everyone who has given me love, support and great advice... and yes, Sally, love and friendship, always!

one of the best pieces of advice i read (thanks amanda!) was to stop and take a breather. i think i need to do that. i am very upset, extremely emotional, and really need to get my head together. i have to admit. my male persona has taken control of my actions all this week. when i get knocked down emotionally or spiritually, that happens. the felicia inside of me has gone inside her shell because she is hurting. there never has been any balance between the two sides of my psyche, but they do take care of the other. i know it might sound weird, but each side of me, male and female, will protect the other if it is hurt badly enough.

i am hoping to find a good gender therapist in my area. i have to find peace for something that has been hurting inside of me for over 30 years. it's complex, as i know a lot of you can relate, and it is not going away. i have checked this board, and have some contacts to try. i will check in with the posts, but the sweet and shy girl is gone for now.

bless all of you for your support, but more than that, bless all of you who have found your strength and your way. this is the hardest thing i have ever gone through. to know that pain, and to see what some of you have overcome, it makes me want to hug you all.

love,

felicia anne

[Guest mia 1]

Hey girl you're not getting away from us that easy. Forget that tortoise shell and come back for the cookies and cocoa, YES WITH THE MARSHMALLOWS. I mean come on we all need you. Don't go Please.

[Guest OneOutOfnOne]

A point to consider here is that friendships are often temporary. In my twenty years, very few friends have been constant for more than a period of two of them. This can be considered a sad thing, that interpersonal connections are fleeting, but this also means that there will always be new friends available. Nothing is entirely bad or entirely good: if you tell a friend and that friend no longer accepts you, then you will both have learned something about yourselves and one another. Never stop learning from those around you!

[Guest Leah1026]

Felicia Anne

Just two points here (1) Do you want to follow your heart? (2) What does your heart tell you about who you are?

All the rest is just part of the process - and it CAN be hard - very hard.

Lizzy

I agree with this advice.

Also friends lost will be replaced by many more who only know and like the authentic you.

A famous writer on another site said "Transition is the ultimate filter. Through it we are able to see peoples true colors". In other words true friends stay, and the ones who leave weren't really your friends to begin with.

[Guest amie]

This doesn't surprise me comin' from you.

I think about this from time to time. It's rilly tough, huh?

Your heart seems big, Felicia.

[Guest Felicia Anne]

hey all...

sorry for the non-posting, but truth to tell, my female side has been pretty much squashed away by recent events. the level of rejection i have felt from friends has pretty much killed that side of me. i cannot post as felicia anne when that side of me is m.i.a. i won't fake being someone or something that isn't in my heart.

worst part asides from not being able to contribute as felicia here? i don't know if that side of me is either dead or has been driven far below my ability to see it. there may be a girl in pain and in need of healing, or it may be gone forever. i do not know. i will seek a good gender therapist as soon as i am able, but outside of that, i am living day to day as man on every level. not hurting because of it, and actually do a good job as a man. but the part of me that is felicia... i wish i knew where it went.

sorry

[Guest Little Sara]

hey all...

sorry for the non-posting, but truth to tell, my female side has been pretty much squashed away by recent events. the level of rejection i have felt from friends has pretty much killed that side of me. i cannot post as felicia anne when that side of me is m.i.a. i won't fake being someone or something that isn't in my heart.

worst part asides from not being able to contribute as felicia here? i don't know if that side of me is either dead or has been driven far below my ability to see it. there may be a girl in pain and in need of healing, or it may be gone forever. i do not know. i will seek a good gender therapist as soon as i am able, but outside of that, i am living day to day as man on every level. not hurting because of it, and actually do a good job as a man. but the part of me that is felicia... i wish i knew where it went.

sorry

Personalities don't die. Felicia has probably only gone underground.

Little Sara had gone underground for over 11 years, this nearly proved fatal since Maid Sara could not survive without her existence. Now that she's back, she's not going anywhere, even if it means my death. Screw people who think they'll make her go underground again.

(Little Sara and Maid Sara are names Little Sara gave to the two personas to distinguish them from each other. Maid Sara is actually quite androgynous and has no gender identity. She also cannot live on her own.)

[Guest mia 1]

As Arnold says."I'll be back"

Little Sarah hit it square on personalities don't die. I went 19 yrs. with Mia sublimated in some muck and mire [Whatever that means} and here she is and she "ain't" never leaving the sunshine again, until that fateful day of the "LAST PARTY"

So we'll see you again remember we love you........Mia

[Sally]

Felicia Anne,

I saw a new post from you and I was hoping that you were feeling better.

If you are functioning as a male pretty well then wait until you see your gender therapist before you really go about looking for her - she is still there.

I know that all of this is very hard for you, it isn't easy for any of us, but you are very shy and I'll say it insecure (me too) you need that approval and your friends just aren't giving it to you.

Look into getting some cooler friends!

You know that I do love you and am always available to chat,

Sally

[Guest ~Brenda~]

ok... i have come out to three female friends in the past three months...

now, only one of them is talking to me, and she has already told me that she prefers the male version of me more than the female. the second friend and i are not getting along, and the third... she won't even read my emails or take my calls anymore. and this is on top of my previous life lessons learned from trying to come out to my parents.

i am wondering if following this path is worth it if i lose the people i love. maybe i should just learn to be happy with what i was born as. because if the reaction of my parents and three close friends is any indication... i am going to lose everyone i love if i try and be a woman.

so why bother?

Dearest Felicia Anne!!!!!,

Don't ever second guess yourself about your coming out. You did the right thing!!!! Coming out is so important to true self realization. I am so sorry to hear that your coming out has not gone very well. I know this seems trite but the people who are having trouble with you coming out are actually dealing with their own issues that in reality have very little to do with you. It was very brave of you to come out and I applaud you for it and I completely support you! Continue to be strong and who you are. Things will be OK. You actually did the right thing to come out. I am very proud of you!!!

Love

bernie

[Guest RainBird]

Felicia Dear,

Please, don't let the 'Devils Advocate' or the reactions of others get you down or make you lose hope, it's not fair for youself to put your life and true being on hold because someone 'didn't like it' or disagreed with it.

I have faith that you will do what is right for your heart, no matter which path that may be.

This situation could come back again and again as life goes on, you'll need your strength and courage within to overcome this, It gets much harder the longer it is put aside and bottled up.

Just remember we are here for you and we care no matter what k.

Much luv,

Jacci

[Guest Alyssa Leigh]

Dear Felicia

I hope things get better for you, why should you live your life for someone that is not accepting of who you are? If they were a good friend or family then they would want you to do what makes you happy and would comfort you.