Is This Worth It?

[Guest Felicia Anne]

hello all... i've been away for a while, but i wanted to let you know what has been going on...

since my last post here, my depression worsened and worsened. i became reclusive, and did not leave my apartment (except to go to work) for three months. it was so bad that i would order pizza with a credit card rather than go out to a grocery store for something healthy. my productivity at work suffered to the point of being warned to improve or be fired. my thoughts were dark and suicidal, and i prayed for death. i tried to reconnect with my friends who rejected me, and it was made clear that only my male self would ever be accepted by them. worst of the rejections were from the very friend who found this wonderful site for me in the first place. the strained feelings gave way to pure anger, and i don't ever want to let her into my life again.

but in the midst of all of this, i made a decision. i was either going to find help, or i was going to kill myself. i am in my late 30's, and i could not bear to go another year living like this. the pain became greater than i could handle. but i knew that i had one last change to find my way through it.

through this very website, i found help at one of the clinics that were listed here. i am not sure if i can or should say the name. i am not very good with interacting on message boards, and don't always know the rules or the right thing to say. but i found a therapist who has done wonders for me. she understands me, does not judge me, and gives me the tools to explore, to heal, and to grow. i have also started a new series of anti-depressants that have helped as well. the combinaion of both have made a sizable difference.

i am still wrestling with a lot of issues. i am still having problems with self abuse and esteem. i am uncovering some very painful memories from my childhood. and some of the sessions i have leave me in pieces. but progress has been made as well. my thinking is changing. it's kinda complicated to describe, but it's learning to think in spheres instead of corridors, that yes/no, black/white, and right/wrong thinking has been killing me for years. there are so many things i have never considered about the woman i am inside, and so many things that need to be explored, awakened, and discovered. one of the fun ones was shaving my legs for the first time since i was a teenager, and loving the new look and feel of my legs.

i have many many miles to go, and i had to take a moment in this journey to thank every person who took the time to give advice and support and love here. i know that i can be a major pregnant dog sometimes, but i love you all so much and wish i could be as good as the men and women i have met here. given time and work, i hope to be.

love,

felicia anne

[Guest ChloëC]

Hi Felicia Anne,

Welcome back to Laura's. You know, I really like saying that, because it means that someone maybe understands themselves a little better, and feels that this can still be a part of their life.

It's tough losing friends and having to face so many problems alone. I'll never understand how someone can direct others here and then turn on them. That is just out of my ability to figure out. I know there are a lot of people here that will never consider that. You're reaching out, and we just want to help as best we can.

I am certainly very happy you found a therapist that you have been able to talk to and who understands your issues. And what a great recommendation you've given to the information that Laura's tries to provide.

You say you hope to be as good as some of the people here. You're here right now, caring about yourself, sharing with others. That's pretty darn good to my thinking.

We're glad you're back.

Hugs

Chloë

ps. That's a really great word filter we have here, isn't it? I'm not sure though if the replaced words are better than the original! I think a lot of people would be really upset with me if I ever called them a pregnant dog instead of the other word!

[Guest Felicia Anne]

ps. That's a really great word filter we have here, isn't it? I'm not sure though if the replaced words are better than the original! I think a lot of people would be really upset with me if I ever called them a pregnant dog instead of the other word!

love it!!!

[Sally]

My Dear Felicia Anne,

I am so glad to see you again - it has been far too long.

Good news in the therapist department but I was very sad when I saw your topic in self abuse forum but you say that you are making progress so just let me know if there is anything that I can do to help.

I have missed you so much.

Love ya,

Sally

[JJ]

Hi Felicia Anne

It is so good to hear tat things are going better for you.

And I am sorry that things have turned out as they have with your friends. Many times people hang out together who share tolerances and values-it sounds like you became part of an essentially intolerant group. But just reading here you will see that many people have found friends who are accepting and supportive. Those people are out there and you can find them. Especially now that you accept yourself more. It's kinda hard to find people to accept and value you when you don't..

It sounds like you are on the road to a good life. It can be a long hard road but well worth it in the end!

Hugs

JohnJ

[Guest Felicia Anne]

Good news in the therapist department but I was very sad when I saw your topic in self abuse forum but you say that you are making progress so just let me know if there is anything that I can do to help.

sally, the self abuse is something that is really escalating of late, and my therapist is well aware of what is going on. she has made me promise with a pinky swear between us girls that i would not strike myself for any reason for the next two weeks. she is allowing me to use a rubber band on my wrist to snap whenever i am upset. even alternating days, there are little pink welts on my wrists. there are a lot of uncovered memories coming out lately (i was abused in my teen years, and there are a lot of blocked moments being relived), and we are both trying to figure out what i am trying to punish myself for. i am carrying a lot of guilt and hatred for myself that we are trying to work through. the rubber band is helping me keep my promise. that, and the promise was made with a pinky swear just between two women (one genetic, one in spirit), and i can never break my word as a woman.

And I am sorry that things have turned out as they have with your friends. Many times people hang out together who share tolerances and values-it sounds like you became part of an essentially intolerant group. But just reading here you will see that many people have found friends who are accepting and supportive. Those people are out there and you can find them. Especially now that you accept yourself more. It's kinda hard to find people to accept and value you when you don't..

john (love the name, by the way - one of my favorites on a man!), what made this so painful is that these were friends who were vocal about being for gay rights. but i have learned that when you are not just a man in their eyes, but "their" man (not in a romantic sense, but more of a person they invested their heart in friendship to), they cannot deal with a decision to reveal the woman inside. my opinion is that while i may have led them to feel rejection because of my direction in life, they are projecting that rejection into me rather than deal with their own sense of rejection. that is bad enough. but when you have spend the better part of your life wishing and longing for women to accept you as one of their own, it hurts even worse. it is the salt in the wound. but in spite of the pain (which is epic at times), i am still fueled by the desire to find that moment where i truly am one of the girls. the day that moment enters my heart, i will cry the happiest tears ever cried

[Guest Felicia Anne]

bad news...

i broke my promise.