Is This Worth It?

[Guest Evan_J]

Hmm.

I'm reading this, and just read the poem with the "warning" in front and I'm deducing how "badly" things have gone in your estimation (yes, you laid out the friends not being receptive in this thread but I don't think what you said really captured how "big" those responses were for you?)

In any case, if you need an extra person to talk to a friend, I volunteer.

Sally is right though, you are going to need new friends. Just because So-and-So and Such-and-Such were (you felt) once your friends does not mean that its good to want them in particular as friends now. They've made the decision not to be friends to you . How good is it to want to give friendship to someone who doesn't want to give it back? Saying things against "who you are" says they are not capable of being friends to you anyway.

[Guest Felicia Anne]

hey all... just a quick note from the other side of the glass...

still dealing the emotions and lost friends and gender issues and life. it's still very raw and tender, and painful. hard to move forward when you are in pain. for now, i am remaining in the shell where is it warm, safe and less painful than it is outside of the shell...

not to sound like a broken record, but i really don't want to post while i am hurting. it does not take my pain away, though i wish it would...

going back in my shell... but wanted to send some love to you all here. i do love you guys and gals a a lot!!!

[Sally]

not to sound like a broken record, but i really don't want to post while i m hurting. it does not take my pain away, though i wish it would...

going back in my shell... but wanted to send some love to you all here. i do love you guys and gals a a lot!!!

Felicia Anne, Sweetheart,

You know that you can send me a PM or an E-mail anytime and I will be more than glad to talk.

I wish I could just make things better for you but that goes a bit beyond my powers as a moderator.

Love ya more than you know,

Sally

[Guest Zabrak]

Keep hanging in there and don't worry about posting here. This forum is here to try to support you through all your tough times.

[Guest Felicia Anne]

hey all... still alive, but no longer in touch with felicia. there is a lot of anger issues I have with those who have rejected her that I am dealing with. 2 out of 3 ain't bad at this point, but the girl is not part of my day to day life anymore. she's either deep in hiding or gone. i don't know.

anyways, hoping all is well with everyone here.

love,

felicia anne

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Felicia Anne

We MISSED you!

Whatever you feel, whomever you are - please come back in and let us know how you are doing!

Lizzy

[Guest mia 1]

Come back when you are ready and don't force anything when you are ready Felicia Ann will let you know..enjoy and don't hunt for her she is waiting for the right moment..Love always......Mia

[Guest DanM]

Felicia,

I have read your comments and I believe that you are in are split in two. There is a Native American story I will post here in my post please read it and reflect on it.

A Cherokee Legend

An old Grandfather said to his grandson, who came to him with anger at a friend who had done him an injustice, "Let me tell you a story.

I too, at times, have felt a great hate for those that have taken so much, with no sorrow for what they do.

But hate wears you down, and does not hurt your enemy. It is like taking poison and wishing your enemy would die. I have struggled with these feelings many times." He continued, "It is as if there are two wolves inside me. One is good and does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him, and does not take offense when no offense was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way.

But the other wolf, ah! He is full of anger. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger,for his anger will change nothing.

Sometimes, it is hard to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit."

The boy looked intently into his Grandfather's eyes and asked, "Which one wins, Grandfather?"

The Grandfather smiled and quietly said, "The one I feed."

Even tho this story is about hate it can be about any emotion we feel and fear.

It can be about any fight we have going on inside our hearts and minds.

Just remeber the one that wins is the one we feed.

Hugggs and peace.

[Sally]

hey all... still alive, but no longer in touch with felicia. there is a lot of anger issues I have with those who have rejected her that I am dealing with. 2 out of 3 ain't bad at this point, but the girl is not part of my day to day life anymore. she's either deep in hiding or gone. i don't know.

anyways, hoping all is well with everyone here.

love,

felicia anne

Felicia Anne,

Sweetie, I don't believe that the girl is gone, she maty be afraid of all of the anger that you have. Being rejected is one of our greatest fears and truly breing rejected can be devestating or it can be a turning point.

I used it as a time to free that poor lady that has been trapped in here for so long.

Your anger has imprisoned Felicia Anne and only you hold the key to open that door and remove her chains.

There is nothing to be gained by becoming angry and bitter because someone rejected you - move on and find people who accept you, you will be happier.

I only have friends that know and accept me here at Laura's, but the funny thing is - that's enough for now because I am me when I'm here.

You will know when it is time to come back and you do know that I will be here for you.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Sarah Marie]

hey all... still alive, but no longer in touch with felicia. there is a lot of anger issues I have with those who have rejected her that I am dealing with. 2 out of 3 ain't bad at this point, but the girl is not part of my day to day life anymore. she's either deep in hiding or gone. i don't know.

anyways, hoping all is well with everyone here.

love,

felicia anne

Felicia Anne -- Trust me, your girl side is still inside. When the anger issues fade (and they will), she will once again feel it is safe to re-emerge. Please do not give up on her. She wouldn't like that.

Do keep us posted with periodic updates. Whether members post only from time to time or post frequently every day doesn't really matter. Everyone here is special and is genuinely cared about.

Hugs,

Sarahmarie

[Guest Elizabeth K]

DanM

"The one I feed" story. Now your avatar makes sense.

Lizzy

[Guest CharlieRose]

Felicia, I don't know if this is any consolation, if you're more concerned with keeping the life and friends you already have, but there ARE people for whom something like this is a non-issue. There are people who would love to be your friends, there are even those who would love you for exactly who you are, it IS possible. Not everyone will abandon you when they find out.

You're in New York... I'm sure there are GLBT organizations and groups somewhere near you... That's a good place to start. Visit one of them, meet people who are like you and who respect you. They can be one of the greatest places in the world because they will accept you no matter who you are. (Not what you are, WHO you are) Even if no one in your family or friends you have now wants to come along, try it.

[Guest Jeannine Bean]

Felicia,

Be yourself. In the end, you'll attract the people into your life that need to be there.

Congruency and authenticity are hard, not just for transgendered people. It's easy to try and hide in some kind of false self to try to have more friends. In the end though, wouldn't you rather have friends who like you for who you REALLY are?

--Jeannine

[Guest Felicia Anne]

Hey all...

I wish I could say there was a breakthru or resolution in the past year. There was neither. All three friends I came out to are no longer part of my life. I have since relocated to another state due to non-gender-issue layoffs and am trying to get a new life started. Problem is, I don't really care. There is so little joy in either skin, so I just focus on staying alive and well. The first part is easy, the second... I have no clue, really. But I'm here.

[Guest Emily Ray]

Felicia Anne,

I was brought to tears reading your posts. I just came out to my parents and entire family. While not experiencing the level of rejection you have every one that did reject me was painful. It is also distressing that they are rejecting my parents. Your original question is it worth it? Yes, when I was out to my sister and knew the love she had for me is real, male or female, that hole that exist in side of me began filling. There are people who will love us. We don't need to be alone. If there is a little girl inside you she may be dying, as mine was/ I was. There is hope and every day it is expressed here at Laura's. Even. If you don't post please read others that show it is possible to find happiness as yourself, in fact it is the only way

Love

[Guest Felicia Anne]

Emily, truth to tell, there are moments where I wished the little girl inside of me was dead. There will never be any joy for her. Only alientation, ridicule, hatred, and rejection. And to keep me going in either skin, I am fueled by an underlying anger and venom towards the world and the people who hurt her. At this point in my life, I see nothing good coming from that part of me. Perhaps it would be better if she would go away and never come back...

[Sally]

Dear Felicia Anne,

I am both glad to hear from you again and saddened because you are still having the same issues.

You do know that rejection is something that we all have to deal with and that little girl isn't going to just go away.

Sooner or later she is going to demand that you listen to her and once you do - things will get better - I have no acceptance outside of Laura's but I have never been happier.

Fighting against yourself is never going to work - it is a no win situation.

Talk to me in PMs anytime - like we used to.

I love you,

Sally

[Guest Evan_J]

Long time no hear from. I saw your user name and thought I'd see how things were going. I"m sorry to hear that the folks in your life are still having the same issues. Strange time for me so I'm on the "you do know that your opinions mean nothing to me" page lol -you might want to borrow that page. Its always "shocking" to these people that its possible for it to actually not be them that can "reject" someone Might be a good experience for them to be on the receiving end of your boot.

[Guest Felicia Anne]

Hi Sally (hug)

I appreciate your advice, but I don't want to listen to her. That part of me is nothing but pain, hatred, anger and venom. I would rip that part of my soul out if I could. There is nothing good there.

[Guest Emily Ray]

Felicia Anne,

I have no words that will be a salve to your broken heart. Know that mine is broken with yours I will cry out in anger at the cruelty and injustice of our world with you. But don't let the venom that is in you rule you. I wish I could hold you and show you the love that I have for you. I have been I'm afraid where you are going. I want to hold your hand and walk with you to a new place of happiness where you can feel the love we have for you and you will be able to share your love with others. Will you take my hand and we can cry out in harmony "the world stinks, but they can't beat us into submission "

Love

[Guest Felicia Anne]

I wish I could, Emily... I wish I could...

[Guest Jennifer T]

Emily, truth to tell, there are moments where I wished the little girl inside of me was dead. There will never be any joy for her. Only alientation, ridicule, hatred, and rejection. And to keep me going in either skin, I am fueled by an underlying anger and venom towards the world and the people who hurt her. At this point in my life, I see nothing good coming from that part of me. Perhaps it would be better if she would go away and never come back...

From all that I have been told, read and experienced, she won't just go away. SO, I guess it's up to us to find a way to live with her.

I'll tell you this, though. There is no way you can truly say that there will never be any joy for her. I know you feel that now. And I know it may certainly seem that way. But you cannot see into the future. And that is one of the special things about life. We can't know. And so we are daily set with decisions to make and risks to take - hoping for the best and yet knowing that the we could get less. That is courage.

I'm in your boat, Felicia Anne. My wife has told me that she will leave me if I pursue this. And I feel I will be alienated from my children as well. At least they are grown. But even knowing them as I do, I cannot say with 100% certainty that I will truly lose them.

So, what do we do? Do we make peace first with who we are, and then try to make peace with all those who mean something to us? Or do we never make peace with ourselves? And if that is the case, do we truly ever then have true peace with those around us?

Another thought, too. Do we genuinely have the right to choose to deny those we love access to the real person we are? Do we have the right to make the judgement that they will not accept us? THey may or may not, but shouldn't that be their choice?

These are things I am asking myself.

I will hold up good thoughts for you.

[Guest Evan_J]

Another thought, too. Do we genuinely have the right to choose to deny those we love access to the real person we are? Do we have the right to make the judgement that they will not accept us? THey may or may not, but shouldn't that be their choice?

Yep. They deserve the opportunity to step up to the plate. To know you honestly. AND to be bigger people than they were yesterday. Likewise, as much as we never want them to, they are entitled to the opportunity to fail. This life IS bigger than us and in a bigger picture they have to have an opportunity to fail sometimes so that they can overcome it.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Hey, Felicia Anne...

Hon...haven't seen you in a while....

I'm sorry to hear that the same things are eating at you...

I do like what Evan has to say here, though.....

We shouldn't deny anyone to ourselves...we need to present and let them decide what kind of person they are...

I'll tell you, Hon.....

I've spent a lifetime keeping Donna Jean locked up and I fear I may have done some irreparable damage...

I couldn't rip her out nor ignore her....

So, here I am....ready to take what's mine.....

And do my best with what I have left....

I'm glad that you came back....

HUGGGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest Jean Davis]

Felicia honey,

I hope you got your thinking cap on cause I'm going to tell you the bottom line on this.

Here's the thing, you can live a happy life without all those people that can not accept you for who you are. I know it's hard for you to believe but people very rarely have lifetime relationships with anyone now a days much less with a bunch of people. If these people that you are involved with can not accept you leave them behind, cause if they are cruel to you now and you bend to their will what's the next thing they will want you to do in order to keep their friendship?

If you do bend to their wishes you'll be in the same spot I'm in right now, all my friends moved on and my family doesn't even think of me but once every 3 to 6 months ( I get a 10 to 15 miniute phone call, how generous. ) Being that I have denied myself for so long I don't feel comfortable around people anymore so I don't get out and make new friends. This also holds me back with a carreer as my insecurities show at every job interview I go to.

I know it really sux to have this condition but you have to realize if you don't address it and find a benifitual way to deal with it it will come back to haunt you. If I could have did something to end my feelings I would have also, but for now that isn't an option.

Remember if you feel poorly about yourself you will loose any friendships you have and won't be able to make new ones, but if you feel good about yourself loosing a couple of friends won't be a big deal cause you'll know that you'll find new friends in the near future.

LUV

Jean