Good morning All. Coffees on.

[MetaLicious]

9 hours ago, April-Showers said:

... when you decided to marry her didn't it occur to you that maybe you should try to explain to her your feelings before the wedding to see what her acceptance would be? ...

As others have said, sometimes we just didn't know.  For my own experience, I knew I was transgender in my early 20s, but because of societal pressures, I tamped that down.  It became background noise.  My wife knew about my feminine aspect when she married me, but neither of us had any clue that it was going to become the dominant aspect.  I simply realized one day that I was stifling a part of me that larger than I knew, and that I would regret it if I never let that part out.

[Willow McKenzie]

7 hours ago, Vidanjali said:

there were certain things about me that didn't need fixing, rather they needed to be allowed to shine forth

I totally agree!   When I started living comfortably as "me",  Several people said they already knew and were fine with it.  Seems I was the only person that thought I needed fixing.   I've been shining fourth ever since.

[Jamie68]

9 hours ago, Alice_Sybilina said:

Man up, sack up, grow a pair, be a real man, stop acting like a b****, you're being a p****, only f*** act like that, what's wrong with you, how messed up are you, you'll never find someone to love you if you don't change, no son of mine, get some hair on your chest, you'll grow out of it... I'm glad the newer generation doesn't always have to hear these things. These things crush children. These things crush adults. Especially when there was no where to validate that you weren't alone. 

 

I'm sorry to spit those all out in a row, I despise every single one of those phrases. 

I remember back in 9th grade, 1966, there was a boy who wore womens underewear. Everyone made fun of him. It must have been horrible for him/her.

[Jamie68]

15 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

I can't speak for everybody, but I was thinking, "Eh, I can maintain the charade for a few more years until I manage to kill myself." I was just trying to run out the clock.

 

She was the most important person to tell when I hit the, "Not one more day." point though. Nobody else really mattered. As long as I had her support, I could do anything.

 

Hugs!

I can totaly relate to this. I was literally in the act of cutting unwanted parts off when something snapped me out of it. That night I told my wife about me. It's been better since then. I'm not saying it hasn't been difficult, but I have a plan now, and that's what keeps me going. I'm so fortunate that I was able to come out to my wife of 50 yrs and she will work with me.

[Alice_Sybilina]

@Jamie68a little acceptance can go a long way to heal a soul. I thank God for my wife every day. And I've never had a problem with body mods and I used to cut a lot as a kid. The thought of removing things from my body has been in my head before (I've already removed moles and things like that without assistance). I can't imagine how badly I would have messed that up. (especially given that the skin is still useful for transitions layer). 

[Willow]

Good morning 

 

every generation has its new knowledge.  Faster and faster we learn exponentially, not linearly.  I had  several things going against me.  I was born in the first half of the 20th century.  When puberty came around, my father wanted nothing to do with telling me anything.  My mother best idea was a book from the library.  Likely written before I was born.  I had desires I didn’t understand.  I had thoughts that I thought were wrong and pushed aside the best I could.  I did everything I was supposed to do as a man.  But I still had these nagging thoughts and desires I couldn’t get out of my mind.  I tried really hard because I believed I would be punished by God if I didn’t.  Now here I am. Feeling better about it all.  Understanding, but still trying not to be like this because my family accepts me but I embarrass them.

 

Got a lot to do today beginning with a trip to the dump.

 

Willow

[Elizabeth Star]

17 hours ago, April-Showers said:

i've read a lot of posts about how difficult or even almost impossible it is for some of your wives to accept you. many of you tell your wives many years later and then have a problem. i may ask a lot of questions that may seem 'well duh' to you but i do try to be objective. when you decided to marry her didn't it occur to you that maybe you should try to explain to her your feelings before the wedding to see what her acceptance would be? maybe you thought being married would somehow 'cure' you of your feelings? i am not criticizing what any of you did and would never do that because we are all different, but wouldn't it have been more fair to her if you had let her know before you married her? or was the love so strong that you had a fear that she wouldn't want to marry you if she knew and you didn't want to chance losing her? it seems to me before you marry someone, if you have something that is so important such as this you'd want to be sure your future spouse was ok with it or at least would know and then be able to decide if they wanted to marry you.  thank you.

I really thought these feelings were normal and people just didn't talk about them. After all, trans people were the punch line for so many jokes at the time. I was beaten into submission at a young age. Boys don't do that, you're not a girl. I put so much effort into finding the "guy" version of things to stay off the radar. I love tending to plants, guys cut the grass. I had always wanted to sew and knit. I learned how to sew patches on jackets with a machine and haphazardly hand sew to fix my clothes. I had desired to do more with it. I couldn't take the chance of being to femme about it.

 

Knitting? I taught myself how to make chainmail with nothing more than a picture of it in my mind. My friends quickly dubbed it the "man's version of crochet". I made a lot of bikini tops and other women's ware. No one ever suspected that I secretly wished I could wear the stuff I made. I lost over 25 years of my to the craft while hiding.

 

The list goes on and on.

 

I did drop hints to my wife before we got married. I didn't fully understand myself at the time but the subtle feeling were there. I did ask her if she cold ever see herself with a woman. To her it was an irrelevant question since she was engaged to a man. Guess the jokes on her.

 

For the longest time I could never see a life past 40. I always assumed it would end at my own hand. As the years rolled by I kept dumping more and more resources into keeping up the facade, to stay a man. Of course now, anytime I see a guy acting hyper-masculine I question his motives. The emotional toll eventually became unbearable. Fear and shame almost ended me. I glad things didn't work out. I love my life now.

 

There are still so many more layers.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Willow]

For most of my years, I thought all this was just me and I was ashamed of how I felt.  Now hearing all of you with essentially the same story, I fully understand.  My mother taught me to sew, and darn a sock, and how to knit, I learned to cook from both my parents.  I learned not to drink from my father. He couldn’t handle it.  Thought I hid everything from my family.  But I guess I didn’t fully.  Before she died, my sister was asking me if I was happy?  At the time I didn’t get what she was really asking me.

 

now I’m pretty sure she and my mother knew for a long time.  Certainly before I did.

 

Willow

 

 

[Alice_Sybilina]

I was told by my mother that anything to do with sexuality was sick. This coming from a woman that got pregnant at 14 years old. I had shame about all of it, male or female. I always thought that people were weak and scared and that's why they wouldn't do some things. I always did art and loved beauty. I always talked to people on an individual level, offering what help I could. I always saw it as me being stronger than others while feeling so much weaker than them. 

[Alice_Sybilina]

And yeah, having your family be okay with something is small consolation when you can see in their eyes how much it hurts them. 

[Jackie C.]

3 hours ago, Alice_Sybilina said:

I can't imagine how badly I would have messed that up. (especially given that the skin is still useful for transitions layer). 

 

I hear that. I tried twice. The only thing that kept me from doing permanent damage is a low threshold for pain.

 

Hugs!

[Bri2020]

13 hours ago, Alice_Sybilina said:

Man up, sack up, grow a pair, be a real man, stop acting like a b****, you're being a p****, only f*** act like that, what's wrong with you, how messed up are you, you'll never find someone to love you if you don't change, no son of mine, get some hair on your chest, you'll grow out of it... I'm glad the newer generation doesn't always have to hear these things. These things crush children. These things crush adults. Especially when there was no where to validate that you weren't alone. 

 

I'm sorry to spit those all out in a row, I despise every single one of those phrases. 

goddess that was triggering.  I heard those phrases every single day for the first 24 years of my life and still heard them for another 30 but less frequently.  Is it any wonder I shoved who I was into a deep dark hole?

[April-Showers]

13 hours ago, Heather Nicole said:

I just want to take a step back for a second and point something out. How FANTASTIC is it that there are now trans people who only learn about the self-denial stuff from talking to earlier generations because they didn't have to go through it themselves? If that isn't progress, then I don't know what is. Feeling a bit of a pride moment here.

excellent point. and well taken. i hope what i say doesn't bring back painful memories for you when you respond to me. as i've said before, i'm learning a lot here and is why i keep coming back. and it proves you can even teach a 'young dog' new tricks. lol thank you.

[Heather Shay]

@Elizabeth Star and @Jackie C. I have to say I love your new photos. You are even more beautiful then before.

 

I've hide from myself and others since grade school and it's a hard habit to break - my session with my wife and therapist this week gave me so much comfort - finally having my wife call me by my name AND using she. Although I have a long road to breaking the muscle memory of hiding and avoidance - it is a refreshing start to a relief I've never known. 

 

And yes @Heather Nicole I wish I had the bravery and resources when I was younger but am so happy the younger generations can be helped by the struggles we've faced.

[Ivy]

13 hours ago, Alice_Sybilina said:

I gave my wife the best version of me that I knew.

Even when we broke up after over 40yrs, she told me "You did the best you could"

We are still friends.

 

3 hours ago, Willow said:

When puberty came around, my father wanted nothing to do with telling me anything.  My mother best idea was a book from the library

That was me as well.

You end up flying blind, trying to fit in where you don't quite fit.

[Vidanjali]

@Heather Nicole Yes, PRIDE!!! 

 

@ShayI'm so glad the therapy session gave you comfort and relief. 

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, Shay said:

@Elizabeth Star and @Jackie C. I have to say I love your new photos. You are even more beautiful then before.

 

Thanks! I bought some new makeup the other day and I'm experimenting with eyeliner. It's not GREAT in that picture but practice makes perfect, right?

 

Hugs!

[Vidanjali]

On 7/14/2021 at 8:59 PM, Alice_Sybilina said:

Just changed my gender on Facebook along with a non-binary post. Let's see how many from my old life accept me. Please wish me luck everyone.

 

@Alice_Sybilina good luck!! How's that going? You actually inspired me to take a baby step. I'm not active much at all on FB these days, but my husband posts and tags me on things. I changed my gender to enby there, but made it invisible to the public. But, having done that allowed me to change my pronoun to "them". Tomorrow is my birthday. So, all my FB friends will get a message "Today is V's birthday. Wish them a happy birthday." It's likely no one will even notice, lol, but for me it seems like a major thing. 

[Heather Shay]

@Jackie C. I love your shorter hair - it looks so cute on you. I've been experiementing with eyeliner so my eyes can stand out a little.

 

@Vidanjali thank you - after over 40 years with different therapists - my current one has been a godsend.

[KymmieL]

Wow, you don't check in for a few hours and then go to sleep and Wow.

 

My dad never had the "talk" with me. I went to a evening class at school. boys in one room, dads in another then a film. That was it. While my dad never pushed the be a man crap on me. I know he wanted me to be good at baseball or golf.  I was neither. But I was a motorhead. 

 

My parents did know of my preference in underwear. As me and my wife lived apart for about 2-3 months. Not our choice. Anyway my dad did my laundry along with theirs. So with no boxers or tighty whitys  what esle is there. LOL. Nothing to feminine back then but not normal men's underwear either.

 

I think being transgender has made me more open minded. My dad was a bigot.  not huge but one anyway. I know he would never accepted me as a woman. He didn't like my choice for a bride. and later my wife's tattoos (left leg from hip to toes.)

 

I am working on getting the courage to come out to my mom. My wife says that she can tell something is wrong with us. I do agree that it isn't her place to tell me mom. Then there is my sister. Not even thinking about that right now.  one step at a time.

 

 

On another front, I just wonder how many friends I will lose when I come out as trans on facebook.

 

getting a little too emotional so I will close for now.

 

Hugs to all

Kymbrill Lorain

[Mmindy]

23 hours ago, Jandi said:

Had a really good day yesterday.   I drove up to the mountains for my first in person meeting with the VA trans support group I have been meeting with online.  It was wonderful to be with the people in physical real life for a change.

That was the first time I have (knowingly) been with people like me.  Being accepted with hugs and all…

Even now when I remember I feel like dancing.

 

It was just a good day.

That's great Jandi,

 

It really is comforting to be in person again, with people who are accepting of our transgender life and realization.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and safe,

 

Mindy??️‍??

[Alice_Sybilina]

@VidanjaliI couldn't tell you how it's going. The only responses I've got are positive, but fb doesn't tell you when people unfriend you. I have a few hundred people on my lists, from promoting my art and public persona, so I don't even know what the numbers are or if they've fallen. No one at work is acting any differently. No one is treating me any different. My social media group either doesn't care or they aren't very observant. I've never been one to suffer bigots though so their presence is admittedly pretty thin to begin with. I would love this to be encouraging to others but I'm going to be fully disclosing here. When I knew I was strange when I was younger, I leaned into it. You won't meet a single person from my past that describes me as anything less than 'strange, unusual, intense, non-standard, colorful, etc'. And I've always prided myself in that. I tell my kids they can be anything they want but please don't be normal. My oldest daughter is the closest thing I've made to a child that likes being somewhat normal, and she's a beautiful mess too. I actually went to my youngest daughter for advice on the lgbtq community. She identifies as cis- and pan (although she is 10 years old, I let her find herself in that arena, that's not my place to decide for her) she is the sweetest, smartest, and most open child I've ever met and I'm proud to have had anything to do with that.

 

I feel responsible to them and to everyone to be what I preach. I can't tell them to be okay with themselves and then show them a self-doubting mess, even if that's what I am. And it's better that way. You teach your kids to pull the bandaid off fast because the pain only lasts a short time compared to the pain you go through waiting on it. But I muddied the waters so much around who I am my whole life that maybe people can't see the light through the dust. But I did make sure that on a personal level I was unassailable. I do the right things. I am people what's wrong. I listen to their problems. I work beside them harder than anyone else they work with. Anyone who wants to leave me behind does so knowing that they are judging me against everything they know about me. What I've hidden seems to be only such a small thing compared to all the things I have shown them. 

[Beatriz]

17 hours ago, Heather Nicole said:

I just want to take a step back for a second and point something out. How FANTASTIC is it that there are now trans people who only learn about the self-denial stuff from talking to earlier generations because they didn't have to go through it themselves? If that isn't progress, then I don't know what is. Feeling a bit of a pride moment here.

Totally! ❤️

[Beatriz]

3 hours ago, Mmindy said:

It really is comforting to be in person again, with people who are accepting of our transgender life and realization.

True. Like @Jandi, I had my first in person support group meeting a short while ago and it was great. Just being myself in a context of total acceptance. It's around 8 pm now in this part of the world and some of us are meeting at one of the girl's house for a night of food & movies

[Vidanjali]

3 hours ago, Alice_Sybilina said:

@Vidanjali 

 

The only responses I've got are positive

 

That's great! 

 

3 hours ago, Alice_Sybilina said:

 

When I knew I was strange when I was younger, I leaned into it.

 

pull the bandaid off

 

The 1st thing ^^ reminds me of a Tig Notaro joke. She says, "In high school I was voted least likely..." (waits a beat) "I just ran with it every since." 

 

Pulling the bandaid off. I've been less afraid to tell people if it seems a natural segue. Up to a few weeks ago, zero people in my family knew. Then my little cousin came down for vacation with her friends and we hung out one day. It was our first independent adult outing together (I'm 20 years older than her). She told me she's gay. I immediately told her I identify as queer and elaborated. I just needed her to know she's not the only queer person in our conservative Irish Catholic family. As you can imagine we bonded bigtime. A couple days later, I told my brother over the phone. He was lovely. I told my Godson (who is also queer-identifying) on a recent zoom call because he told me I seem different and more at ease. I'm quite sure I wouldn't be tempted to lie if anyone directly asks me. But wow, affirming your self is powerful and euphoric.