Good morning All. Coffees on.

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, KymmieL said:

Jackie, I so need to learn how to do just that. I am too quick to take the easy way most of the time. Been this way all my life, maybe one of the clues I am a girl?

 

I think part of it is being passive and part of it is being absolutely TERRIFIED that they'll leave us at any moment. Our self-worth takes such an epic beating that we don't think we deserve a good relationship.

 

1 hour ago, KymmieL said:

I would love to get out of retail. But alas I believe I am stuck here till I retire.

 

Over the course of my life, I've been a photographer's assistant, veterinary assistant, retail wage-slave, insurance adjustor, IT professional and behavior technician. I've also independently written for games (which pays very poorly but it's great fun). I'm studying to change careers... radically... again into personal fitness. I'm nothing special, if I can do it, so can you.

 

Hugs!

[Bri2020]

1 hour ago, KymmieL said:

 

 

 

@Bri2020 I need to come work for you. I work for big corporation USA. So it is all about the $$$$.

 

I would love to get out of retail. But alas I believe I am stuck here till I retire.

 

Kymmie

 

Don't get me wrong- It's all about the bottom line too.  I've found, in my industry especially, that happy workers are profitable workers.  No one wants a massage from someone who isn't happy to be there.  It effects rebooking and return rates. If I have turnover it costs me about $10k-$20k in revenue a month until I find I replacement and get them up to speed. That can sometimes take 6 months!    So yes, it is definitely about $$ but also selfishly, I like having a happy crew. It makes my life richer in ways other than money.  

You don't have to be stuck, you just need to find the path out.  What's your "dream job" or industry you would be passionate about be a part of if there were no barriers to getting there?

 

[April-Showers]

2 hours ago, Elizabeth Star said:

So the last few days have been an emotional struggle. Not sure why. Someone at work suggested it may be my HRT meds. I've been on them for 19 months so that statement angers me a bit.

it is possible. have you had labs done recently? when i first started hormones mine had to be adjusted often for several years. not so much now since my orchiectomy. but my situation was different from yours because of the age i started taking them so keep that in mind. but i do know it is very important to have labs done regularly, especially if you feel a little 'off normal'. thank you.

[April-Showers]

2 hours ago, KymmieL said:

maybe one of the clues I am a girl?

so clues come into play? as to if you are a girl? not sure i understand that. either you are a girl or you aren't. or you're maybe something in between? just curious about that remark. thank you.

[Mmindy]

Good morning everyone,

 

I'm working in my home shop building a damage control training prop for hazmat training.

I started my own business in 1999 at the age of 43, and the biggest thing I had to overcome was Health Care Costs. So my Suzie, agreed to support the business by working, and carrying the heath care insurance for us. My only regret is not starting my business earlier. Know your product, your customer base, and what brings them back. I was also lucky that OSHA requires my sort of training, as a mandatory annual refresher to maintain their certifications. The training evolved to selling my unique training props. Like the Magic Chef, I'm making more money selling my "Pots and Pans" (training props) and doing train-the-trainer workshops on how to best use these pots and pans.

 

Now the warning! It took from 1999 to 2004 for me to make a profit, and in 2005 we recovered our losses experienced in the early years. You want your business to: "Grow like an Oak, flexible in the early years, and sturdy as it matures, not like a weed that will die out with the first sign of cold weather."

 

Today's coffee was early, HOT, black, and strong.

 

Hugs for everyone, (masked where required)

 

Mindy??️‍??

[Bri2020]

1 hour ago, April-Showers said:

so clues come into play? as to if you are a girl? not sure i understand that. either you are a girl or you aren't. or you're maybe something in between? just curious about that remark. thank you.

Some of us had some serious denial/repression of our identity.  Once I explored why I was so disgusted with myself and really opened up I realized that I had repressed a lot stuff in my childhood and there were "clues" throughout life that broke through those psychological protections.  Things like my love of womens fashion, career choices that were female dominated/stereotypes, gravitating to female friends, not male, etc etc.  A lot of us grew up in an age when "transgender" was not really a known thing and behaviors that were gender non conforming were systematically pushed back against at best but more often forcefully punished by parents/schools or society.  We learned to hide who were were, even from ourselves. Once I uncovered those repressed memories it was "clear" what I was. Once I understood that, all the "clues" made sense lol

[KymmieL]

Well said, Bri. I really didn't realize until about 4 years ago that I was actually transgender. I thought I was just a crossdresser.  One big thing is why I joined the military. I never really knew why I did. After reading things. the little light flickered above my head. It was my subconscious driving me to be a man. Doing the manly thing. That along with other denials in my past. brought me to the conclusion that I am actually female.

 

Hugs,

Kymmie

[Ivy]

I repressed things myself.  Did guy-type jobs, played with guns, rode motorcycles etc. But I never really fit in that world.  The hardest thing was just being willing to take a good look inside myself, but then things began to fall in place. 

It was kind of a 180 for me.

[April-Showers]

2 hours ago, Bri2020 said:

Once I uncovered those repressed memories it was "clear" what I was. Once I understood that, all the "clues" made sense lol

ok. gotcha. i am learning so much here. your post really cleared up for me what is meant by 'clues' that you are a girl. i guess i never had a clue....i was always a girl. well sometimes my friends tell me i just 'don't have a clue' about other stuff. lol lol thank you.

[Jackie C.]

2 hours ago, Mmindy said:

Now the warning! It took from 1999 to 2004 for me to make a profit, and in 2005 we recovered our losses experienced in the early years. You want your business to: "Grow like an Oak, flexible in the early years, and sturdy as it matures, not like a weed that will die out with the first sign of cold weather."

 

I want my business to grow like kudzu. Vast. Inevitable. Unstoppable. Crushing all that stand before it and absorbing their nutrients into itself.

 

So, @April-Showers... what Bri said. There was a LOT of back-pressure back in the day to conform to stereotypical gender roles or else. The or else tended to be ostracization from friends, family... all your support groups really. If you were still in school, you may get straight-up murdered if not just just bullied and beaten on a daily basis for being "different." There weren't any employment protections. Well, no protections really. That includes housing. In my state you don't have to rent to someone because they're trans. For a lot of us there still aren't.* So a lot of our brothers and sisters ended up on the streets and/or in the sex trade. There were some success stories, but you never heard about them without the internet. Isolated communities where you could find some support, if you knew they were there. They didn't advertise.

So we suppressed it. We'd jerk our way through life like some sort of marionette, trying our best to build something for ourselves that brought us a little happiness, but careful not to stray too far from the norm. I knew for a LONG time that I was different, but I didn't even have a name for it until... oh, about thirty years ago and it was always presented as a punchline. It's only become even sort of acceptable within the last ten to fifteen years to be out without facing major blowback from your community (in a lot of places, your mileage may vary based on your support network).

Putting your psyche back together and figuring out why you're so crushingly unhappy is like a messed-up scavenger hunt after that. There are clues and cues from way back when. Before society ruthlessly crushed them out of you. Compounding that is that in the day, boys weren't allowed to talk about your feelings so you just assumed EVERYBODY felt like that. I mean, who DIDN'T lie awake at night crying because they desperately wanted to be one of the girls, right?

It's a bad deal. I'm glad it's getting better though. Girls like us can live out in the open and maybe have a chance to thrive.

 

Hugs!

 

* Yes, we currently have some at the federal level. However, I expect that to last roughly as long as this administration. Then it's back to the Wild West.

[Ivy]

Gotta drive up to Asheville in a bit.  The VA support group I've been in online is meeting in person this time.  It will be the first for me.  It's a bit of a drive, but a chance to meet people in person which is something I haven't had.   I'm kinda nervous about it.

[April-Showers]

2 hours ago, KymmieL said:

Doing the manly thing. That along with other denials in my past. brought me to the conclusion that I am actually female.

must have been hard doing the 'manly thing' when deep inside you knew you were a girl. better late than never i suppose. thank you.

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, Jandi said:

Did guy-type jobs, played with guns, rode motorcycles etc. But I never really fit in that world.

 

Yeah, excellent point @Jandi. I didn't go the hyper masculine route, but a lot of girls did to "prove" that they were one of the guys. You'll find a lot of us older girls that threw themselves into the military, police work, construction, etc... Lots of manly, stereotypically boy hobbies. Cars, guns, etc... in a desperate ploy to be the manliest guy around so we wouldn't have to look into ourselves.

 

I guess what I'm saying is; that kind of upbringing leaves scars. I'm glad you didn't have to endure that @April-Showers. It would make me very happy if nobody ever had to grow up like that again.

 

Hugs!

[April-Showers]

1 hour ago, Jandi said:

The hardest thing was just being willing to take a good look inside myself, but then things began to fall in place. 

sometimes doing the hardest thing is the best thing. then things get easier. thank you.

[April-Showers]

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

I mean, who DIDN'T lie awake at night crying because they desperately wanted to be one of the girls, right?

whew. that took the breath from me. i sort of knew about what all of you are saying but didn't have to face it and never really thought about it seriously. i can't imagine how you got through it. and i'm really sad that you had to get through it the way you did. thank you for sharing.

[Bri2020]

2 hours ago, April-Showers said:

whew. that took the breath from me. i sort of knew about what all of you are saying but didn't have to face it and never really thought about it seriously. i can't imagine how you got through it. and i'm really sad that you had to get through it the way you did. thank you for sharing.

That was me for about 5 years.  From about 6 to 11 years old. Dreaming every night of waking up transformed into the right body then waking up disappointed that it didn't nor could ever happen.  (at least from our world view in the 70s since gender reassignments was basically unheard of or some "freak" doing it in Switzerland or Thailand). I repressed those dreams and the memory of them until I was 54. Once I unearthed them from my psyche, I remembered every detail of how I would be transformed and the joy it brought me until I awakened.

I am both extremely jealous of some younger people NOT having to go through that (some still do though) and also INSANELY happy you don't have to go through that.  We can't turn back time but ohhh, how I wished I never had to endure the wrong puberty and all the challenges that brought. On top of that, trying to undo those changes is really hard, expensive and painful both emotionally and physically.  I am so angry at these states passing laws preventing trans medical care for minors for that very reason. 

[Heather Nicole]

2 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

 

* Yes, we currently have some at the federal level. However, I expect that to last roughly as long as this administration. Then it's back to the Wild West.

 

It's bizarre how many people think "freedom" includes freedom to opress and freedom to force others to conform to your way of life.

 

As for self-introspection, I find more and more just how much being trans is like being gay. Some gay people pretty much always "just knew". But, probably because our society has been so cis-het-normative for so long, there's also gay people who just assumed they were straight (because "that's just what's 'normal', right?"). But then, since they're not really straight like they think, they gradually notice more and more contraditions between themselfs and what they had falsely assumed about themself. Those contradictions are the clues that build up until they finally figure out who they really are.

 

I was really surprised to learn not all gay people "just know". That was a big part of what helped me feel more confident and less self-doubt about the idea that I'm trans. Because for me, I spent most of my life hung up on the (very, very, very super-secret) thoughts of "I wish I could be a girl, even though I can plainly see down there that I'm not", or "My life would have been so much better if I'd been a girl", etc. I had always just chalked it up as one of those "impossible dreams", like winning the lottery.

 

On another note, I had my second in-person trans support group meeting last week. Still a very small group, but it's so nice meeting other trans people in person and being able to chat openly about stuff. We had a sign-in sheet and I wrote my chosen name. First time I've ever written it by had. Felt nice. ?

[Beatriz]

I'm booking time with @Jackie C. and @Bri2020's electrolysis technician. Better bang for my buck than my therapist, I'm pretty sure. Take my money!

[Bri2020]

1 hour ago, Beatriz said:

I'm booking time with @Jackie C. and @Bri2020's electrolysis technician. Better bang for my buck than my therapist, I'm pretty sure. Take my money!

Mine is VERY expensive just sayin...$204 for 90 minutes.  I don't care because I get psych therapy as part of the deal  and insurance pays for my hair removal minus $30 co-pay

[Maddee]

Taking myself out on a series of dates. 

 

Practicing just in case someone actually asks me out.

 

Today "we" hit TWO beaufico state parks!  Rode bike trails through lakeside forests.  "He" got us lost for a short time in the second one. 

[Billie75B]

4 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

 

Yeah, excellent point @Jandi. I didn't go the hyper masculine route, but a lot of girls did to "prove" that they were one of the guys. You'll find a lot of us older girls that threw themselves into the military, police work, construction, etc... Lots of manly, stereotypically boy hobbies. Cars, guns, etc... in a desperate ploy to be the manliest guy around so we wouldn't have to look into ourselves.

 

I guess what I'm saying is; that kind of upbringing leaves scars. I'm glad you didn't have to endure that @April-Showers. It would make me very happy if nobody ever had to grow up like that again.

 

Hugs!

OMG @Jandi that was so me @Jackie C. like you said as boys in the 60's we could not express any emotion at all and since I didn't know why I wanted to be more like my big sister than a boy was so depressing. So to bury those feelings I learned to be a boy and by 8 years old my dad had me driving a hopped up go kart around our dirt driveway watered down wide open. As I got older and he saw I had no fear of racing and that I wanted to race dirt sprint cars he got scared and said NO WAY. So to piss them off I started bull riding with a cousin and after I ended up with a broken arm and tail bone plus a server leg injury he told me I should have let you race. For years as an adult I denied my feeling trying to live in a world that felt upside down. Now after a failed marriage to a nice women who has her own issues with her daughter I finally had to admit my feelings and admit that I am a transgender women, and now for the first time in my life I actually feel happy. I have an appointment with a Dr that works with transgender people in Aug and hopefully by Sept I can start HRT. Now my big fear is coming out to my kids and grandkids plus some friends. I am not sure especially in my racing circles how my transition will go over, but I have done enough racing that if it feels uncomfortable I can walk away from it and find a new hobby. I am so grateful for this site and all of you great people hear as I get so much encouragement and strength from all of your stories.

Billie

    

[Mmindy]

5 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

I want my business to grow like kudzu. Vast. Inevitable. Unstoppable. Crushing all that stand before it and absorbing their nutrients into itself.

Okay Jackie, I will relent kudzu is a powerful weed and the South can keep it. In my defense, we're from a Northern Grow Region and kudzu just doesn't make it through the Winter.

 

HumpDay Hugs,

 

Mindy

[KathyLauren]

5 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

 

I mean, who DIDN'T lie awake at night crying because they desperately wanted to be one of the girls, right?

Yes, this, exactly!

 

I always dreamed of myself as a girl.  I didn't think that was odd or unusual.  I assumed everyone did.  But the one thing I knew for certain was that talking about such things would be deadly, so I just didn't.  If no one talks about it, no one knows that they are different.

[Bri2020]

As if my mental health needed any more challenges; MY SURGEON JUST QUIT!  They were finally scheduling my consult and he's leaving the Johns Hopkins transgender center and I have to start from scratch. He was the only local one Kaiser covered and they haven't even identified a surgeon to replace him at Hopkins.  I'm -censored- frantic

[Willow]

Hi Y’all 

 

well we made it safely to Virginia now tomorrow we have to drive back to South Carolina.  Finish moving out, head to closing on Monday and be back in Virginia Thursday early August we will head west.