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By benwitz2 · Posted
This might be really long so apologies in advance. I (26 y/o AMAB) was raised by two women. I have an older sister. All of my role models growing up were wonderful, mostly gay, women; the few male adults I had in my life were angry and abusive. My grandfather beat and psychologically tormented my mom and her twin brother. Whether that's the reason I'm not sure, but there was never any attempt to get me a male role model through a Big Brother program or anything like that. From a young age I felt intense alienation and shame for being male. When I went through puberty I started experiencing social dysphoria. My mannerisms, worldview, likes, dislikes, access to and depth of emotion, conceptions of friendship, intimacy, and romance, etc.-- all of it was/is squarely on the feminine side of the supposed binary. I have very few masculine aspects of self. I feel like a girl in spirit. This is not about the physical body for me, or it at least it wouldn't be if gender wasn't assigned by sex. In the summer of high school I finally met a man who was a beautiful and positive role model for masculinity, but he got terminally ill after one summer. During that summer I didn't feel any more masculine, but I at least had finally found a man that wasn't thrown by that-- he met me where I was, and treated me like he a son or little brother. I don't know if I experience gender dysphoria. I don't have any acute sense of body dysmorphia, but I don't like being seen or thought of as a man. I feel like I'm always performing or lying. I don't identify with my post-pubescent body. Being a boy was ok, but not a man (apparently Contrapoints said that too?). I don't HATE the hair on my chest. I can appreciate it in a detached way. It makes me feel adult, but I don't feel like a man with hair on his chest, if that makes sense. I don't like the message it sends to the world. And while I don't crave a vagina just for its material existence, I want people to treat me like I have one (breasts I'm still considering). I despise my bass singing voice and could count on my fingers how many times I've used it in my life. Sometimes I wish I were gay so that any of this made any sense. When I was 11 or 12 I had a massive, acute existential crisis that led to me going non verbal for a day, and I've been dissociating ever since with some episodes of depersonalization/derealization. Every day I wake up feeling grief and guilt. I used to pin all this on my moms' separation, but that's starting to feel more and more like a red herring. Recently I have theorized that that has something to do with the beginning of puberty, and that I removed myself from my body when it began to develop. It's very hard for me to "inhabit" my body, and when I do, all I feel is that grief. It's a very odd sensation-- it feels like I used to have this little sister who died when I was a kid. Last night a song from my early childhood brought back what felt like repressed emotions, and I sobbed harder than I have in years. I was racked with grief over a death that never happened of someone I never knew. The obvious trans reading of that is that that little sister was me, and I went into exile when puberty hit. I don't want to transition or be a trans girl-- I want to wake up having been a cis girl this whole time. And to be honest I want to want to be trans so that I can get over this fear and just start transitioning. Others have described their trans awakening as joyful, but all I feel is anger and grief for the way I was born. I am worried that this signals that it's more of an interpersonal schism/learned hatred of being a "man" than it is "genuine" transgenderism. Is it a thing to not want to transition at all, to not want to be transgender, but to want to be just cis of your preferred sex? What if I'm just a really feminine guy, and I'm stuck, as I want to act feminine and be perceived as feminine, but I'm not actually transgender? And if that's true, why do I still want to be transgender? I'm not asking for anyone to tell me whether or not I'm trans, I am just wondering if anyone sees themselves in these experiences. -
By Mikayla2024 · Posted
YASSSSSS GIRL!! 🥳🥳🥳 Such a small world, Kathy!! If you live in NS, you’re def a bluenoser in my eyes ⛴️ !! 😊 But thank you so much for the response and advice!! Everyone’s HRT path is def different and I realize that, I’m just thankful that I’m finally starting somewhere and you’re right having the script has totally relieved my dysphoria symptoms even more! It’s like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can finally start the transitioning process !! The way I see it, It’s only 4 weeks or 28 days on Spiro then I’ll be on Estrogen pills along with it. So, it’s going to come much sooner than I would’ve liked to realize. I just have to trust the process as I’m her first patient ever to do a full transition from the beginning and the fact that she’s willing to take me on and learn about it at the same time makes me really comfortable and trust in her process. The thing I like about her is that she told me she took an online course on gender affirming care on her own time specifically for me. So I believe she might know a thing or two. We have a plan to do that for 6 months to 1 year and if everything is good with my labs then it’ll be injections and I hear that alone is enough to suppress T once it’s suppressed by the original regiment. -
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By VickySGV · Posted
Now that you put it that way, I fully agree on its potential for those putting together educational guidelines. One of my HMO's medical centers, has a garden plot with ONLY our local plants that are poisonous to human beings as part of our diet or skin absorbtion for teaching purposes. I can easily the document as that sort of display. -
By Betty K · Posted
I think there is one (and probably only one) way to positively view the Cass Review: it collects all the most powerful weapons of the “gender critical” movement into one convenient repository, at least as regards gender-affirming care. To me, it’s like a crash course in how to fight GC ideology and advocate for trans kids. I am seeing it as my doctorate in the topic. -
By Vidanjali · Posted
That's great. I hope it's a peaceful time of renewal for you. -
By VickySGV · Posted
They have done so already I am afraid. Nothing new really, but Cass included views of our home brewed bigots to create this. -
By Adrianna Danielle · Posted
Met up with a teacher I had back in high school and went good.Was 27 years ago I last saw her after I graduated.Walked into her classroom and we hugged calling me Adrianna.Remembered seeing me as male seeing I was holding something in.Told her I am much happier now and said she noticed it now.Even said seen me as an 18 year old and now as a 45 year old transwoman.Did get to walk down the halls bringing back lots of memories too.Ran into another teacher I had too.She said I changed big time.Told her I go as Adrianna now,transgender on the hormones.Also said she noticed I was unhappy at times and I am much happier now.I did take a picture with both of these two -
By KathyLauren · Posted
Hi, Kayla. Another Bluenoser! (Actually, I'm not a real one. I am a CFA.) I can't answer your question about the effects of spiro alone. I started on spiro and estrogen at the same time. I expect that spiro alone might relieve some dysphoria symptoms, but would not start any physical changes. But that is just a guess. The big thing with spiro is to drink enough water, since it is a powerful diuretic. I started out getting my transition care from the Halifax Sexual Health Centre, but once my hormone regime was stable, I asked my GP if she would be comfortable taking over my prescription. She was, so I no longer have to do the long commute into the city. Regards, Kathy -
By MirandaB · Posted
I can't answer your question since my doc's plan didn't start that way, but I do love to quote what she said to me when we began HRT when I see a post like this, "Let's get this party started!" -
By Betty K · Posted
Thanks for listening Vidanjali. And don’t worry, I am now planning two weeks off before I try to write a more in-depth response. I am well aware of how much Cass has been hurting me. -
By Mikayla2024 · Posted
Thank you, Mindy! Such a warm welcome!! I’m excited and honoured to be here !! 😊 -
By Ivy · Posted
I don't need that "new math." My brain does it on its own. -
By Willow · Posted
You know the advantages we had using long division and multiplication, slide rules and log table? We can look at a result and know right away if something is wrong with it. Kids that have grown up using calculators can hit keystrokes on their calculator but they have no clue that the answer is wrong when there is a factor of ten that they messed up. Also we learned our basic math tables inside out and upside down. They use this new math that mixes everything up. -
By Mmindy · Posted
Good afternoon Kayla, Welcome to Transgender Pulse Forum, I hope you find this place as helpful and fun as I do. There are so many people from all walks of life, and locations in the World. Look around and join in on any threads you find interesting. Best wishes, stay positive and motivated, Mindy🌈🐛🏳️⚧️🦋
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