Comming Out To Extended Family

[Guest Zabrak]

Yup, my close family has been asking me to come out to extended family. Not like "great , great" or anything but family we DO hang out with at lest once a month for birthdays and things like this.

I put together a very long written note, edited, updated, fixed and threw in my doctors article to start things off. Theres no need for anyone to read it. I'm sure some of you will remember parts of this because I did write up and post some of it on the forum before I just edited it now.

I just hope for the best..and hope the extended famiy I'm giving this too wont reject me. It'll be the first time of me getting fully rejected if they do.

Heres my whole thing thrown together if anyone wants to read it.

I asked my doctor to change my name on the following article "Pinocchia's Wish" because she said she wanted to publish it in a doctor journal. She did of course, for my own safety and confidentiality.

Pinocchio’s Wish

It had been a typical workday for me…ear infections, asthma, some depression counseling, a laceration to suture. And then I opened the door of Room 3 and found the soul of a boy trapped in the body of a girl. He sat there in the corner of the room, slim, pale, and tense with emotion, twenty years old and fragile. Shaking, he opened his mouth and said, “I want a sex change. This is the first time I have ever talked to a doctor about it.”

Initially, I comforted Casey, listened a lot, and asked a few questions, while my mind raced ahead and around the corner, wondering what to do next. Family physicians learn to expect the unexpected after a while. And while we don’t always know the answers, we usually know how to go about finding them.

Casey told me he spent hours on the computer every day and had been a male online ever since the age of 12. He felt completely comfortable in this role. As a small child, he remembered wishing very hard that he would wake up as a boy in the morning…and also remembered the aching disappointment that waited silently for him every morning. This reminded me of the story of Pinocchio who used to wish to be a “real boy”, until the Blue Fairy finally granted his dream.

As I live in a small town, I immediately set to researching resources for him. And I hit a series of walls. Transgender issues? No, Mental Health can’t deal with this. Try the Transgender Program in Vancouver. And when I called the Transgender Program, I discovered that funding had been cancelled and it was no longer a referral center. I spoke to a transgender issues counselor who was very helpful and pointed me to a website containing hundreds of pages of helpful information. I sighed. It would be up to me.

I saw Casey once a week as he worked though this initial crisis and gradually got to know his history very well. A difficult childhood with an angry, critical mother. A loving grandmother who was the one family member supportive of him. An intelligent boy with college aspirations and a retail job. A boy with many computer friends but no local flesh and blood friends. A boy with a boyfriend in another country, who liked to stay in his room, away from the questions of others. He was patient with me as I tried to wrap my brain around these concepts. Ok…so you have a boyfriend? So that means you’re a gay man trapped in the body of a girl? He smiled. Yes, that’s right, Dr. Mandy. Ok, I get it.

So I sat down one evening and learned about the process of getting a sex change. I understood that the person has to be deemed psychologically and physically ready for such a change, as the hormonal treatments cause irreversible changes. I discussed all this information with the patient. He initially saw a psychologist in the nearest big city but the encounter did not go well. Casey returned to me in fresh crisis. This would take months of psychological assessment and he had no money with which to travel or pay the psychologist. He was considering ordering unregulated hormonal supplements over the Internet, feeling desperate that the system was not working for him. He was about to start college and wanted to begin his new life as a male. I spoke with the psychologist and took over the assessment myself, because there was nobody else who could do it in my town. I read many documents on the subject. We completed the full psychological assessment over a series of months and then I referred him to the endocrinologist who accepted him as her patient and could see we had followed the proper assessment protocol. I was so happy that Casey decided to be patient and work through the process with me rather than take dangerous unregulated substances from the Internet.

He began to live openly as a man, filling in the official forms for a name change.

Now, a year after I first met him, he is receiving biweekly testosterone injections and his voice is deepening and his neck is becoming fuller. As his outer appearance becomes more and more attuned to his sense of self, a new glow and confidence emanates from him. He is excited and hopeful about the future.

This experience showed me how difficult it is for transgender people, especially in small towns where there are fewer services. The system also makes it very difficult for people without money to access services. For instance, normally a psychologist charges the patient privately for the assessment. In this case, the patient could not afford to pay the psychologist repeatedly over a period of months and I took over this role myself. Without a formal assessment, an endocrinologist will not prescribe hormonal therapy. Access to the system is unjustifiably difficult and is undeniably one of the reasons why transgender people feel so marginalized and misunderstood.

The day is coming soon when Casey will wake up in the morning as a real man. The Blue Fairy finally came through for him.

By:

© Dr. Mandy Ruthnum

During my younger years I had a blackout, where I can only remember fear and nothing else. I forgot who I was, where I was and who everyone was. I regained my identity slowly. As I did, it became one of my farthest memeory I have of feeling like I was a boy. I would sit in the bathtub and if no one was around I wished that I would never grow breasts, it made me feel horrid that one day I might get them. As I recall after that I had much abuse from my mother, many step fathers and other people in my life. Less then a year after that, when I cried if I fell down and hurt myself I would be thrown in a cold shower every time until I stopped crying. I was taught to be cold and emotionless at a young age. My mother told me I was a good little kid because most of the time I sat still and stayed very quiet. At school I was a missfit, kids made fun of me. I could not spell and at home my mother would not help me learn my basics like other mothers(which I discovered later on) did. I slowly became more 'tom boyish' as I grew older. This made me more of a misfit. I don't think it was my GID(gender identity dysphoria) or tom boy behavior that made me unable to connect with anyone, I was just incapable of expression emotions back then. I suspect it was because of the abuse. My mother did not seem to care about how I acted back then.

One day, my mother told me to have a nap. She never requested this before, or thats how I remember it. It was strange. I did what I was told. That day, my mother attempted suicide by jumping off a bridge. I woke up to cops and was taking into foster care. The ladies there did not know how to deal with me because I refused to socialize with the other children. However, before I was adopted by anyone my grandmother got rights over me and took me away. From this point, when my mother was better, I switched between living with her and my grandmother many times. Giving me little time to develop social skills or even a connection to any family member.

When I was a little older and in school learning about computers. I discovered a online game, and because I had thought of wanting to be a boy for so long I made a boy character and named him Kyle. This is where I learned how to interact with people and act out what I felt on the inside. It was much easier to speak when I didn't have to move my lips and no one could hurt me. By this time my mother had settled down to one place and I lived with her full time. At some point with my GID I tried to act as a boy, trying to bring my 'computer life' into 'real life'. My mother saw this and immediately tried to correct it. This is when I was sent to modeling school and manners school. I was forced to put on makeup and a skirt or I was not allowed to leave the house. I would always wipe off the makeup then ran to school. Where I faced more bulling and still, even with practice on the computer, was unable to make a connection with other people. I was refered to some help by teachers many times, there was many attempts to 'fix me' by them but it always failed. I just dressed in 'female' clothing so that everyone would see me as normal and leave me alone. Most of the time to please my mother. At some point I felt it was wrong for me not to wear female clothing, and so I jsut kept doing it throughout my life. Trying to pretend "real life" wasn't "Real" and that "online life", where I was Kyle, was real.

When I got to high school, some how, I made a friend in real life. She was a young girl, one year younger then me. I met a few other friends through her and slowly got better at learning how to be around others. I got so comfortable with her that sometimes I'd 'dress up' at her house. I would tie something around my breasts to push them back. Wear long clothing to make my body look straight and take many weird pictures(a photo shoot) of myself as male. I put these on the computer and would post them all over the internet...hoping..praying..putting all my hopes into them. I wanted people to see me as a guy, to say I looked like a guy. All I wanted was those words. I cannot explain how important it was to me at that age. The answers I got back from the pictures made and broke me. It was, to say the lest, a dramtic part of my life. A struggle to be accepted as male by some people. I would even act it when I would go camping with my friend. I would ask her to 'play a game' where she dressed me up as a boy and we would see who we could 'fool'. She would play it with me but she never knew how important that 'game' was to me.

When I got out of school I went into the work system and moved away from my few real life friends. I only had my internet self then and soon, after only being able to act myself online I fell into a deep depression. Every night I would cry myself to sleep, then dream I was a boy like many times before - however the dreams became more frequent. I was feeling more desperate, more torn a part. One day I was crying, shaking, my throat felt sore. I looked at myself in the mirrow and said "Thats it. I can't do this anymore". I contemplated suicide for weeks. Then, after so much despair, so much frustration, anger and self-hate I somehow, someway, found in myself to seek help. I'm not sure what happened or why, but I did. I looked up "sex change" on the internet, and soon came across the word transsexual. I learned about transsexuals and then, I found myself at a bit of peace. I knew what I was and why I felt that way. I went to my doctor, told her what I was and that I wanted a sex change. So the process started and I learned about how it was done and how long it would take.

I found my way to a Gender Therapist where after almost each time I visted him he told me he would start me on HRT(hormone replacement thearpy). However, he would also force me to relive my childhood because of the abuse I had gone through. I remember how cold and numb I was back then and how sad I was. I did not want to relive it, I had no reason too. I was trying to heal myself and move onto my future. This Therapist told me many bad things and I hated him and myself slowly.

At some point, after living with GID and suffering for so long, my bad Gender Therapist sent me into a break down. I became very, dangerously suicidal. I posted on a support forum for transgendered people(http://www.lauras-playground.com/forums/index.php?act=idx) about how I was suicidal. For some reason I gave myself one more chance to reach out. I was alone in real life, still feeling the effects of being colder and incapable of making new friends even if I had became better at it in my older age. Laura herself posted in my thread, telling me other Trans had experienced bad therpists and that I would not kill myself, that I would find a new theapist and move on. Many others like Sally, Evan posted in my thread, offering me support and care at my time of need. As you see, I'm here today. With the help of Laura's Playground and a little help from my kitty cat Enterprise I am still alive.

It took along time after that to get on HRT, many therapy sessions, doctor appointments, blood tests, and more - the struggle was far from over. Once I got HRT everyone was happy for me, and I was happy too. I know that HRT was only the first step, but I will slowly get through the others(surgery and more therapy sessions) in the many years to come. Specifically when I earn more money and are able to pay for them. Althought the goverment will pay for some of my surgeries. My ID will all be changed from F to M by the end of this year, as I will apply for it then when I offfically will be on HRT for a year long.

Some goverment links about name change, change of sex on documents and transgendered peoples rights are here:

http://www.vs.gov.bc.ca/forms/index.html

http://www.vch.ca/transhealth

http://www.vch.ca/transhealth/resources/li...es-advocacy.pdf

I'm now in college, getting degrees and transitioning to my male gender. Happier then ever in my life. I have motivation to live and move on with my life. I want a future for myself, and get out of my old habits of hiding in my room, never wanting to face the world. Its hard to get out of old habits but I am slowly doing it, as I am more comfortable with my looks and how people see me and how I can play my proper role outside. But I always have to be shy and sheild myself around you because I was scared that if I show you what I'm doing that you might hate me and never let me see you or your family again. Because this isn't mainstream and often never heard of.

So you know, I went and did all this things by myself without anyone in the family knowing. Not even grandma knew. Once I got on HRT I then told grandma and slowly started to come out to people. I knew if I told anyone well I was doing it they would bombard me with their opinions and try their best to stop me from moving onto the future I want for myself - because they do not understand and I do not blaim them for not understanding. So going through all of that was the best for me - no one could guilt trip me into stopping or threaten me to stop.

Grandma, my aunt, my mother and father, my boyfriend(which I've kept quiet about him, I identify as a gay male) and all my friends know about me and have accepted me. But the family that knows about me wanted me to come out to you because they want to start calling me my proper pronouns around me; "He" "Him" and my new name change I'm waiting to come in "Kyle". I just need another spare 25$ to pay the goverment and they'll send in my name change papers. Which then I'll get a job as my male identity Kyle.

As I've said I only started the first part of my process, hormone replacement thearpy. Under the care of my Doctor and Endocrinologist. Which I see every three months. I started my hormone replacement thearpy officially since 12/8/2008. Which is a shot of testerone every two weeks that I do myself. My doctor taught me how to do it safely and properly and I buy all the things I need to do it at home. I removed the last part of this because it goes into some details I don't want to post on here.

http://lauras-playground.com/

Hormone replacement therapy (HRT) for transgender people replaces the hormones naturally occurring in their bodies with those of the other sex.

[Guest Zabrak]

Oh, and so I don't sound crazy comming out with such a long note. I lived with this family before well my mother was unstable and my grandmother couldnt afford me. My aunt also like things in full detail, otherwise its hell to pay.

[Guest Pól_Eire]

Good man, Zabrak. I think the letter's pure well written like. Hopefully they'll take it just fine. If they don't, I don't think there's much you could have put in this letter to make a difference.

Pól

[Guest Evan_J]

Just remember, there still will likely be questions. -even one's covered by this letter. AND they're gonna need time for it to soak in. But very well constructed

[Guest Elizabeth K]

My birthday - official - 10 June 1947

My birthsday HRT start 10 Dec 2008

Twins - grin!

Your presentation was flawless! Everyone will have to love you for yourself - you are too wonderful not to.

Love Lizzy

[Sally]

Kyle,

You know how much I love and support you I will say that the letter is very good and should answer all questions, but as Evan said be prepared to answer them again.

Remember if you get a knee jerk reaction from some of them, it might take time and we will all be here for you.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dearest Zab,

You should know that you are not only inspirational to your brothers you are inspirational to your sisters as well. Your honesty and strength has given us all strength! I know you have been through much more pain than many at your age should ever have to. What rings loud and clear to me is that you have come to really understand yourself at such a young age. Dear Zab, your future is the brightest I have ever seen.

Love

bernii

[Guest 1charlotte1]

Good luck! I hope it goes very well!

[Guest joe0117]

Hey Zabrak,

Good luck with your letter! It is very well written. I hope that they can see you as the remarkable man that you are. It may take them a little time to absorb it but you were educational and eloquent. Nice job!

Joe

[Guest Leigh]

wow...

well. best of luck, brother.

let us know how it goes.

peace&love

Leigh

[Guest Zabrak]

Thanks everyone!

you have come to really understand yourself at such a young age

I've had a lot of time alone to think about myself.

I gave them the note earlier today, and they called me on the phone just awhile ago. They said that they love and accept me, and want whatever is best for me. And that their sorry if they ever made me scared to come out to them because they would never do anything on purpose to hurt me. But my aunt says the only thing I'll need to deal with is her asking questions here and there! Haha(like Evan warned). And that they'll call me my proper name and pronoun from now on but they might slip up by mistake sometimes - but never on purpose.

Oh, and my family wants to plan and throw me a party. A goodbye to the old me and a welcome to the 'new' me. Thats in their words - which its not really the new me..but I wont knit pick.

[Guest Magan]

I am very very happy for you Zabrak!!

You are a very brave young man.

*hugs*

[Guest joe0117]

Congrats Zabrak!

It must feel great to be accepted and be a relief to have that over finally. I hope you enjoy your party!

Joe

[Guest Zabrak]

Thanks Magan and Joe! Sorry for the late reply. lolz I forgot about this thread.

[Sally]

Somehow with all of my various computer problems I missed the results of the letter - Congratulations!

You knew that I would never let such good news go unnoticed.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Evan_J]

Smilin over those results. See, and you were worried. Dude, people love you.

[Paula ult]

Congrats Zabrek on getting support of your extended family, i have quite a large extended family, some very religious, so I'm tailoring my my letters to each individual family, i don't expect as much support as you but i might be surprised.

Paula