MaeBe's Trail of Discovery

[April Marie]

I've been playing catch up with your posts - had to go back to the lunch with your father one to get there.

 

I am so happy for you, all around. It seems you are growing in your confidence and understanding of your true identity - you go, girl!!!

 

How is the laser coming along? My beard is almost totally gray at this point so it really doesn't seem like an option for me. Still rough shaving?

[Ashley0616]

I can imagine that it would stink to go from a regular to newbie. The only reason why I never got a Nespresso was it's hard to find pods for but for Keurig you can find them almost everywhere. Although lately I have been using my coffee pot with some pumpkin spice coffee. I will eventually get more but I got to take care of finances first.

[MaeBe]

On 2/23/2024 at 11:09 AM, April Marie said:

How is the laser coming along? My beard is almost totally gray at this point so it really doesn't seem like an option for me. Still rough shaving?

My face finally calmed down the latter part of last week. I can shave against the grain again! I don't think I will see much progress for a little bit though. I takes a little while for the hairs to grow out even if the follicle is "dead", maybe in another week I'll see how the first treatment went.

 

On 2/23/2024 at 11:09 AM, April Marie said:

I am so happy for you, all around. It seems you are growing in your confidence and understanding of your true identity - you go, girl!!!

Thank you! 😊 I think I am. In fact, I went to a concert yesterday with a long-time friend casually femme. I just did eyeliner and mascara, but wore my lined bra under my tight black long sleeve T. I got some looks, but no issues. I did feel very strange using the mens room. I felt a little vulnerable, but nothing happened. I used the stalls instead of the trough, however. Hands got washed and dried quick, in and out. A woman chatted with us at one point and asked my friend, "what's your friend, or partner's, name". I had a little chuckle at that. 🤭

 

On 2/23/2024 at 12:39 PM, Ashley0616 said:

I can imagine that it would stink to go from a regular to newbie. The only reason why I never got a Nespresso was it's hard to find pods for but for Keurig you can find them almost everywhere. Although lately I have been using my coffee pot with some pumpkin spice coffee. I will eventually get more but I got to take care of finances first.

I wasn't really a newbie, but I "wasn't the person they thought I was" walking in. Expectations vs. Reality and all that. We tend to buy our pods from Nespresso directly, it's probably not the most cost-conscious option, but the coffee is really good. We just our shipment and I got a bunch of limited release Dharkan, which is a bold coffee with hints of dark chocolate. Nummy! One of the last sleeves I finished before running out was pumpkin spice! I have traditionally been a black coffee drinker, so it's nice that the pods can have some flavor without needing to put a bunch of sugary stuff in my coffee. Two shots in ~16oz of water is my go-to. I hope you can get some super yummy coffee again soon!

 

Thank you all for continuing to journey with me!

💜Mae

[MaeBe]

Well, I was hoping to meet some local activists in the LGBTQ+ space today at the State capitol but it didn't work out. I had an important meeting at the start time of the event and showed up after everyone had gone home or went to lobby their representatives. I did happen upon a lovely older woman and we walked around the senate offices together as our reps had offices near each other. At least I got to stretch my legs and with the extra time I had carved out I swung by the local boutique and purchased a couple t-shirt bras. I love my unlined ones, but I'm a bit more pokey now and I am not afraid of the extra projection as I was as a "man with gynecomastia". One is a push up. Don't tell my wife! 🤫 🤭

 

💜Mae

[Ashley0616]

16 minutes ago, MaeBe said:

 One is a push up. Don't tell my wife! 🤫 🤭

 

💜Mae

LOL! I wouldn't if I knew her. 

[MaeBe]

One month after my first laser treatment. It’s working, but the obvious patches of whiskers look terrible to me. Crossing fingers that I soon won’t have a beard shadow anywhere. 

[Ashley0616]

Not bad at all! I'm looking forward to getting mine done! Thank you for the update.

[MaeBe]

I've been thinking and that is dangerous. 🤭

 

There are these low-level anxieties, quiet doubts, existential fears that squeezes the air out of my lungs sometimes. These are stoked by passing comments from friends like, "I am too lazy to have a mid-life crisis", or when I feel like this part of me has come from nowhere and I am rushing into "it". I can connect the dots. Just because people haven't seen the dots, or it took me so long to connect them, doesn't mean they didn't exists. I guess the fact that I don't know where the dots are taking me is a concern, too.

 

I would have to write for hours to encompass all of my feelings and the specifics that I am going through, but in short I feel haunted that I've made a blunder of assumptions and am making a huge mistake in exploring this part of me. Then I get dressed and go out with a face of make up, head out the door, and feel "right". I guess this is all normal, maybe?

 

OK, that's enough self-doubt for right now...

 

Current events otherwise:

• I just got back from a week in the LA area and I spent every minute of it in "girl mode"--even NASA JPL meeting a friend of my wife's for the first time.
  • Disney was a blast, we did all of the Star Wars experience and I got to see my eldest turn into their three year old self--who just had to meet Tinker Bell. I am crying thinking about that right now. He's been through so much these last few years, to see child-like excitement in his eyes...
  • I went girl clothes shopping at UNIQLO, which reminds me...I need to get some things in the wash!
  • I met an online friend for the first time for drinks downtown LA, she was lovely and we had an awesome conversation. I didn't want it to end!
• I am not mentally back to work yet. 😎
• I'm onto my fourth month of HRT tomorrow!
• I have my yearly physical and a part of that will be evaluating my levels and likely an increase in my estradiol dosage
  • I am a little nervous for this visit every year, but last year I'd dropped weight and my cholesterol was down 60 points!
  • I really hope to see my E and T levels are heading the right directions from the monotherapy, I fear that if a T-blocker is needed that it will completely tank my libido and my capacity to keep the intimate part of my marriage going.
• I am going to a brand new restaurant this week for lunch with a friend, it's a women's sports bar--the first in the state! I feel so giddy that my friend would want to go there with me.

[Ashley0616]

It sure does sound like fun! I understand what you mean about the mid life crisis. I’m wanting it to be done already but it’s going to be a while. Maybe when I get another Mustang it’ll be over lol. I do think it’s normal to feel that way. I sometimes have doubts been when I get dressed up and ready I feel better. Although sometimes gender dysphoria kicks in and I can’t handle how bad it gets sometimes. I’m shocked you can still perform in the bed. I don’t have thoughts unless I’m receiving. That’s awesome about a woman’s sports bar sounds like a lot of fun too! 

[MaeBe]

17 minutes ago, Ashley0616 said:

I’m shocked you can still perform in the bed.

I am on a low/moderate dose of estradiol to start. It had definitely reduced my libido, but hasn't destroyed it. Instead of feeling the urge multiple times a week, it's maybe once in a week or two now. Sometimes the urge feels more like maintenance instead of feeling horned up, like "why am I feeling this need? Oh yeah, it's been almost two weeks!". That's not to say my head is still in the same place when it comes to sex, there are changes in that department that I will keep off the Internet, but to keep my marriage healthy I will continue to prioritize functionality as a part of my journey for now.

[MaeBe]

33 minutes ago, Ashley0616 said:

I understand what you mean about the mid life crisis.

Forgot to multi-quote!

 

I fear my friend, when he is saying this, is that my journey is akin to wanting to get a new fast car. Like he's trivializing what I'm going through and by extension that I'm being frivolous. Naturally, there is a lot of assumption/projection going on because it feeds my doubt, but he's said the same statement multiple times. So it feels like thinks this is some kind of "phase" I'm going through.

[MaeBe]

My wife had some medical testing done today and had to drive down to the Mayo Clinic, which is about an hour and some-odd outside of the Twin Cities area. I got up, showered, put a face on, did my hair, got dressed (with my cheater bra!), and we headed out. From the Twin Cities to Rochester is Midwest agriculture and industrial, not what I'd call "trans-friendly territory", and even though Rochester is a big town it's still not a big city. It was nice to have a little private time between us and we talked about plans for later in life--maybe moving to Washington State, where my wife seems drawn--and a little bit about me. There are times I fear that my wife secretly has misgivings for my journey and, without peeling back too many layers, I really didn't get any closer to knowing. "I have completely changed my personality" and sometimes that's hard to reconcile. No kidding... 😎

 

Either way, we both stated our love for each other as we pulled into downtown Rochester. We parked and walked in and I caught some passing stares throughout the massive Mayo Clinic buildings, but nothing untoward. My wife and I hung out in the lobby for a few as I browsed for places to have a bite and work from and decided to go to a place called Benedict's (highly recommend, btw!). After check-in, a couple failed text alert attempts, and a hug and a kiss I went to the restaurant via the underground and skyway as it was cold and rainy.

 

More stares through the busy walkways, but I kept trekking (like April stated in her thread, I strutted like I owned the entirety of Rochester) and found the little breakfast/lunch nook in the Hilton skyway. The server was so lovely, she was nothing but smiles, courtesy, and coffee refills. 🤭 Everything was delicious and comfortable. The only "maybe moment" was when two young women were sat next to me. They were obviously at brunch, sipping on cocktails over their breakfast-y meals, and were very chatty. At least one was a millennial/GenZ but probably both were (one said she was 8 in 2005) and I couldn't help but overhear part of their conversation which made me a bit uncomfortable.

 

"XXXX was having a girl's day out but YYYY was invited and (paraphrasing) he is definitely 'not a girl' to "I know, how could they even think to invite them!" in response. It felt very much like they were talking about a trans person, but what do I know. I just felt somewhat spotlighted for a second. I kept reading through my work emails and sipped my coffee. It definitely made me perk my ears up for a few, but I wasn't going to let some mean girls ruin my day--if that's even a glimmer of what they were doing.

 

I strutted back to the floor my wife was on after way more coffee than I should have had and sat down with my laptop until she was released. One guy passed a few times looking at me. I smiled. He wandered by again and sat down right next to me. I smiled again. This is a massive lobby and lots of places to sit, however, he chose to sit right next to me. Odd, definitely, but he didn't say anything or do anything and my wife was released a few minutes later. Less to say, you could say I was a little paranoid in those environs but I felt I looked great and I generally felt great about myself.

 

We drove home via a McDonald's, a large fry was her victory dance after not being able to eat solids for 36 hours, and I would say it was a very good day. Another in the books with me out in the wild, this time with maybe a higher difficulty than usual. Now to meet a bunch of soccer teammates I haven't seen in a few years tomorrow. That should be fun... 🪤

[Ashley0616]

Sorry about that the youngons weren't that great. It's great that everything else during the day went well. Maybe you would've appreciated 70's and no raining. 36 hours with no eating yikes! I don't know if I could do that. She sure does have a lot of willpower. 

[MaeBe]

The tests results have trickled in since my 3 check in, which coincided with my yearly preventative care one, and today I got my testosterone numbers. My doctor tests at peak, which is counter to what I've read as suggested elsewhere, so I when I scheduled my appointment for first thing on Weds (my dosing day) I did so unnecessarily. I did, however, send a note to my doctor's team that I was rescheduling so it would coincide with my hormone trough and they said nothing--so I'm slightly miffed, but oh well...

 

But today I got my testosterone numbers! I'd already gotten my estradiol results, which were definitely in cis female ranges (and I'm waiting for my doctor to say they're high...), but with the results today my T is in the low double digits. The mono-therapy is working!!! 🤩

 

One thing I have noticed in the cold of winter is that the Reynaud's effect I would get on my fingers and toes hasn't been an issue. Anecdotal but, even if it isn't due to the HRT, I appreciate the change in not having dead fingers and toes! 🥶

[Ashley0616]

That's awesome that your numbers are great and I'm glad too about no dead fingers and toes. I'm sorry they didn't respond!

[MaeBe]

It's official. My doctor wants me retested after the last results (too high). The test, that she scheduled, was likely too close to the dose. She did tell me to keep the increased dose instead of reverting to my old one, probably because my "too high" wasn't that high. I don't know what the forum's stance is on results, knowing full well the rules against sharing dosage, so I'll keep those under wraps until I know if it's OK to share those. Less to say, it was over the range she feels comfortable with by about 50%, but taken a day earlier than the midpoint value she was expecting. Grains of salt everywhere!

 

Of course I messed everything up too, missing my dose for the first time, yesterday. I had to re-reschedule the lab I setup yesterday to Monday from Saturday after taking my shot this morning to avoid the same issue with the testing. I woke up and thought, "Thursday, what do I have to do for work today? OH -crap-, IT'S THURSDAY! I missed my shot yesterday!"

 

Anyhoo. Question for the ladies: does anyone else get a mild zen-like high after their shots/doses? My brain feels lighter and I'm happier and I feel a lot more girlie this morning. 💃

[Ashley0616]

I have shared my doses and levels a lot and no one has said anything. Yeah I put alarms on my phone to make sure I don't miss a dose. I tend to forget a lot of stuff on what needs to be done. I have been also using the calendar on my phone a lot. I missed an appointment because I didn't put it in my calendar. 

[MaeBe]

Every week I've been excited to take my shot, so it's never been an issue. Yesterday, however, I woke up and started my usual "slow roll" and then suddenly realized I had breakfast plans that I had to rush out the door for. After, it was straight into work calls, and then I got the notification from the doctor about things being too high and all the while my mind had completely slipped that I needed take my shot.

 

Given that I am not asking for medical advice, but sharing my journey, I will note my results: Estradiol at 447 pg/mL and Testosterone was 23 ng/dL, up and down from 26 pg/mL and 526 ng/dL respectively before treatment. Almost flipped the bit! The doc would like my Estradiol closer to 300 pg/mL, so we'll see what Monday's tests state.

 

Oh, and I teased the dinner with old soccer teammates and never updated the thread! It went well. There were a couple funny moments. One guy, who I was worried about their response, greeted me with "Hey, you've lost some weight!" 😎 And a friend who lives near me picked me up on the way to dinner exclaimed, after we learned one of the invitees might show up with a date, "Wait! We could have brought women?!" To which I instantly responded, "You kind of did, bringing me!" Everyone got a good laugh out of that. 😁

[Ashley0616]

Wow that is a high number for Estradiol good grief! Testosterone levels are better than mine. I don't remember my Estradiol level but testosterone was 80. To me that is really high but it was in the two hundreds the check in before last one. 

[MaeBe]

1 hour ago, Ashley0616 said:

Wow that is a high number for Estradiol good grief!

The number is relative to method of deliver, the time of the dose, and when the blood is drawn. However, I do want to keep away from DVT and other potential issues. I assume I may be getting backed down from my current dose, but my doc told me to stick with the higher dose, so? I also wonder if this has anything to do the my breast growth and mental changes that have been happening over the past few years, like I have some estrogen sensitivity so a little goes a long way or something? I don't have enough data to postulate, but who knows!

 

With weekly, subcutaneous, shots you expect to see big swings of serum level estradiol from shot to peak to trough. My doctor is interested in mid-week testing (for E and T levels only), which would be post-peak blood serum levels but they will be higher than trough. Most, if not all, resources I've seen online is to measure at trough (which I might do just to do it next time) along with a SHBG, LH, and other metrics.

 

This is from transfemscience.org for Estradiol valerate in oil, which is very spiky compared to some other estradiol combinations. It's also for intramuscular, which will have a slower uptake and is usually dosed in higher volume due to the slower absorption rate from muscles. They don't have subcutaneous numbers, which I would expect to see similar spikes but higher levels at similar doses due to the relatively higher absorption rate direct from fat.

 

Are you doing pills, shots, or patches? And when you do get your levels checked are you getting that done when your levels are lowest or some other time?

[Ashley0616]

3 hours ago, MaeBe said:

Are you doing pills, shots, or patches? And when you do get your levels checked are you getting that done when your levels are lowest or some other time?

I'm doing patches for now but I think soon I'll go to shots because it's hard to alternate when you are doing two xx patches at once. Unless she gives me Estradiol and progesterone

Edited March 29 by Mmindy
Rule 13 dosage

[MaeBe]

16 hours ago, Ashley0616 said:

I'm doing patches for now

So timing for testing doesn't matter so much for you because you're getting a steady dose with the patches.

 

I went with injections because adhesives irritate my skin and pills are daily annoyances. One shot a week with very little hassle is pretty nice.

 

The doctor didn't seem to mind adding progesterone at some point down the line, probably thinking a year out or so. When are you thinking about adding progesterone and what are you hoping to get out of it?

[Ashley0616]

1 hour ago, MaeBe said:

When are you thinking about adding progesterone and what are you hoping to get out of it?

Probably at my year mark of HRT on May 24th. Maybe it'll help with breast growth some more!

[MaeBe]

2 hours ago, Ashley0616 said:

Probably at my year mark of HRT on May 24th. Maybe it'll help with breast growth some more!

It's so close to your anniversary! Has it flown by? These first few months seem to have.

[Ashley0616]

33 minutes ago, MaeBe said:

It's so close to your anniversary! Has it flown by? These first few months seem to have.

Somewhat. There were times were time felt like it was standing still. I tried to look towards each week. I would count down to the days that I was going to replace estrogen patches and then I would look forward to my next ozempic injection. Plus spending a lot of time on here helped but it was always the end of the day where it seemed slowest.