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MaeBe's Trail of Discovery


MaeBe

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@Mirrabooka I am tearing up. It must be a sign that you deigned to visit my little blog right in the middle of my little breakdown.
 

Thank you for your encouraging words.🥹

 

💜

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24 minutes ago, Mirrabooka said:

No deigning here. And, you're welcome.

I knew after I posted that “deign” might not be the best word to use, that it might convey disrespect, but I was shaking a self-deprecating mood. 💜

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So the clinic does in fact handle gender affirming care. Pending acceptable blood work, I shall be starting HRT next Wednesday!

 

Panic: I'm starting HRT next Wednesday! Joy: I'm starting HRT next Wednesday! 💃

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  • 2 weeks later...

I feel like I'm behind in posting. The holidays are a whirlwind!

 

So Christmas, I was dressed half-femme to both my in-laws on Christmas Eve and my family's on Christmas day. I had my lashes and nails done, a different cute top on both days, and wore my side zip ankle heeled shoes with jeans. The only comment at my in-laws was from my young niece who wondered who did my nails, "they look so nice" ❤️. Everyone else was chill or reserved their comments for another day. At my brother/dad's house I got a "love your nails" from my sister in-law and a "what's that about" from my father. "Slaya's gotta slay!" is all I said and he didn't press any further. I was not going to make Christmas about me, so I am glad that I was able to express myself and keep things from going into big personal topics on the family stage.

 

My test results came back and my health has never been better! I dropped 60 points of cholesterol (omg!) and all the rest of my tests were in the green so on Wednesday I got my prescription and started estradiol! I had my doubts up to the night before, did I really want/need to do this (now)? If not now, then when?! There's so much more to this me that will shine if I learn to let myself grow out of the shell of what I thought I was. So, into my belly the shot went and I'm anxious/excited for week two, and three, and four, and year one!

 

The momentous day should have been capped with the first night on the town fully dressed with my wife. We picked a fancy place we like to go for special occasions and I went for it. I went out for a styling, I'm trying to grow my hair out but I guess I AGAIN wasn't firm enough; they ended up trimming what I felt was too much. It looks nice though, but am I ever going to have long hair?! My family bought me make up and brushes for Christmas, so I used what I got and put on eye shadow, blush, and real lipstick for the first time. I had my nice, high slit, skirt on with a boat neck sweater, nylons and my brand new heels. I was ready for a night out on the town. My wife dolled up, she looked wonderful, and we regarded each other. She seemed apprehensive and I gave her an out, but she insisted she wanted to do this and support me. So we headed to the restaurant.

 

I parked, opened the door for her, and as she went in she immediately about faced. Her face was covered in shock and panic. There was a family she knew from work there. I did what I thought I had to, we wanted a nice night out and we had reservations, so I left her there to get our table and went home to change. I didn't want anything to affect my wife at work, I've barely shared this with friends and now my wife could be waylaid by gossip at the office! So I washed off the make up, stripped my nails, and changed into a suit.

 

I looked in the mirror, I didn't see myself. I hated myself right then, but I returned to the restaurant.

 

We tried. I slunked into my chair. She had a cocktail and I ordered one for myself. I sipped on the martini and read, dispassionately, over the menu. Nothing looked appetizing anymore. She saw in my eyes I wasn't in a good place. She asked how I felt and I could only respond that, "this was what gender dysphoria was". She started to tremble. My hands reeked of nail polish remover so I went to the men's room and again looked at myself in the mirror, not seeing me in the reflection. I walked out and asked the owner if there was a cancellation fee, we'd made reservations and they were booked to the gills, but we just wouldn't be able to enjoy the evening. She nicely said we could just pay for our drinks. I said we'd definitely be back and I left a hefty tip. We went home and it was awful.

 

I was depressed, angry, shocked, and rudderless. I'd gone to the ball, but it was cancelled as soon as I got there. It really shook me and where I was with myself and my journey. It was the first time I'd really suffered a setback such as this. I struggled again if this was really the path for me. I got off so easy though, I know others have suffered so much more but it was so raw and so real. I'd never felt that way before in my life. Ever. I hung up my suit and put away my skirt, heels, and rolled up my nylons. There was a void in front of me and I was stunned.

 

She was inconsolable, she started to sob and told me she let me down. We spoke, I shared my hurt and she was so sorry and wished she could have a do-over. The night was ruined, but we resolved to watch a show and we made drinks for ourselves. As I sipped I stared at the Christmas tree lights twinkle, feeling really lost and angry. I didn't raise my voice, I didn't get angry at her. I told her I wasn't angry with her. I was just despondent. Years ago I'd have yelled and railed if I'd have been in a similar state, but I've changed a lot and instead I was sullen. She asked over and over what she could do to fix things, I told her I just needed to sleep and clear my head.

 

My mood destroyed my wife and, though we went to bed together, she couldn't sleep. I woke up at 5AM and found her furiously trying to do things around the house (after having worked out at 2AM), holding back tears. I felt better, sleep was really the cure, and I told her she shouldn't be putting herself through all this pain; morning had come and clearer heads could prevail. She spent that whole day still worried and on the verge. I was able to console her, but we both learned something that night. She now came to clearly understand where I am, that there was no going back. She wanted to support me and, while she had no control of what others say or do, she had resolved that a "f*** it!" attitude is what she needs. I, on the other hand, learned how far down the path I am; that I can't simply swap into the person I was, that doing so comes with a great personal cost. My reaction both frightens and assures me that this is no fabrication. This is me.

 

Today, we're excellent. We made family tea. The kids made sweets (a custard tart with strawberry and a sinful chocolate covered chocolate brownie ball), my wife made cheese quesadillas, tomato basil soup, and a vanilla pudding, while I made deviled eggs. Everyone got dolled up. Back on was the nail polish and mascara. I wore a purple sweater that was my mothers with some high rise jeans. My wife wore a mini dress she still has from high school (and fits!). The kids wore finery of their own and we all sat and had our savory and sweet bites with hot tea and conversation. I got very emotional. It felt so good, I felt such happiness, to get to be so girlie with my family. Life...I tell ya...

 

💜Mae

 

 

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20 hours ago, Níamh_nua said:

I think I would feel a little guilty if I was getting more out of your thread than you were.

You should never. If people find information, comfort, or something about themselves in what I write I am glad. I don't need to write down my journey, but I have found joy in sharing.

 

20 hours ago, Níamh_nua said:

You are a good writer, personality flows through your posts. I imagine they take time, and effort, and emotion.
Thank you for sharing.

Thank you! 😊

 

I have always loved writing. Sometimes it does take a while to get the words out, sometimes I spend a lot of time editing--especially here because you can't go back!--but other times I just BLAH right onto the "page". 🤫 🤭

 

I am chuffed to bits you've found my little corner of TGP helpful. Thank you for journeying with me!

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A quick drop today.

 

It's been an interesting one. First day back to work after taking the Christmas-NYE week off, but that's boring. Why just do the usual when you can get your ears pierced for the first time ever at 44? Better than waiting til 45, amirite? My wife booked us appointments, she wanted her helix pierced and wanted to know if I wanted my ears pierced. I so did, but hadn't thought about it but agreed none-the-less. I did have some anxiety this morning when I woke up, mostly thinking about the fact that I will be seeing my extended family on the weekend. This Saturday should be a blast when I see all of my extended family for the first time since last Christmas! At least we'll be out in public! ;)

 

I hope anyone that drops by has had a Happy New Year and knows that they are wonderful.

 

💜Mae

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Oh, pierced ears! Thankfully you didn’t wait until you were 68 like me. I’ve actually been surprised at the positive comments I’ve had. 

 

Having your our ears pierced opens a whole different fashion statement possibility. I’m hooked on threader style earrings. 🙂

 

Happy New Year!

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13 hours ago, April Marie said:

Having your our ears pierced opens a whole different fashion statement possibility.

I have to wait a few months before I can swap these out, but I am looking forward to it! 🤩

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Dressing and feeling vulnerable.

 

So I have been wearing my girl clothes out unabashedly since before the new year, but I have been wearing a bra for well over a year and a half (to keep things stable up top) as well as panties for quite some time. I have had nail polish on full time as well as mascara (the latter alone is probably the most affirming thing I do, so I almost always wear some) and I've been dabbling in makeup over the past couple weeks. Since doing so and feeling good and looking great (to myself at least!) I have noticed myself feeling way more vulnerable in the real world.

 

I've gotten more defensive in some situations, like crossing the street when I see a group of construction workers coming my way, that I would never have thought of before--I'd probably have nodded a hello to the guys before. In group outings I've been fine, I've met friends dressed. I went to an appointment fully dressed and had lunch with a friend just yesterday. But when out alone I feel a fear that I've never felt before. Like today, I have a service tech coming to my house so I've gone with a hoodie and jeans (can't hide the earrings or nails, but...) because, well, why? I know it's silly, but it's come from my subconscious out of nowhere. I think it will go away over time, probably/hopefully, because I don't want to be afraid to show the world what makes me feel more me than I have ever felt in my life.

 

Because this is new to me, I figured I'd share. Being confident doesn't mean you can't feel anxious or a little fear I guess.

 

💜Mae

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7 hours ago, MaeBe said:

Dressing and feeling vulnerable.

 

So I have been wearing my girl clothes out unabashedly since before the new year, but I have been wearing a bra for well over a year and a half (to keep things stable up top) as well as panties for quite some time. I have had nail polish on full time as well as mascara (the latter alone is probably the most affirming thing I do, so I almost always wear some) and I've been dabbling in makeup over the past couple weeks. Since doing so and feeling good and looking great (to myself at least!) I have noticed myself feeling way more vulnerable in the real world.

 

I've gotten more defensive in some situations, like crossing the street when I see a group of construction workers coming my way, that I would never have thought of before--I'd probably have nodded a hello to the guys before. In group outings I've been fine, I've met friends dressed. I went to an appointment fully dressed and had lunch with a friend just yesterday. But when out alone I feel a fear that I've never felt before. Like today, I have a service tech coming to my house so I've gone with a hoodie and jeans (can't hide the earrings or nails, but...) because, well, why? I know it's silly, but it's come from my subconscious out of nowhere. I think it will go away over time, probably/hopefully, because I don't want to be afraid to show the world what makes me feel more me than I have ever felt in my life.

 

Because this is new to me, I figured I'd share. Being confident doesn't mean you can't feel anxious or a little fear I guess.

 

💜Mae

I definitely understand your feelings and concern but for me it's mostly people who have clocked me and thankfully they just smile and move on. I have been outed on quite a few Facebook pages but to me I just don't care. If it's a one-on-one situation out in real life I know I can defend myself because I know a few stab areas to when they need to be in the hospital in less than 15 minutes. Pepper spray doesn't always affect people and the same goes for the taser but about everyone will feel a knife through their femoral artery, underneath the chin straight up slit through either top or bottom of Adam's apple or the jugular. I'm not affected by taking a life justifiably because this would definitely not be my first time. I carry a knife on me almost everywhere. The issue that more than likely would be is that it would be more than one and I have been trying to come up with a fool proof plan, but I keep thinking of bad endings in every scenario I have ran in my head. 

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On 1/5/2024 at 7:08 PM, MaeBe said:

Dressing and feeling vulnerable.

 

So I have been wearing my girl clothes out unabashedly since before the new year, but I have been wearing a bra for well over a year and a half (to keep things stable up top) as well as panties for quite some time. I have had nail polish on full time as well as mascara (the latter alone is probably the most affirming thing I do, so I almost always wear some) and I've been dabbling in makeup over the past couple weeks. Since doing so and feeling good and looking great (to myself at least!) I have noticed myself feeling way more vulnerable in the real world.

 

I've gotten more defensive in some situations, like crossing the street when I see a group of construction workers coming my way, that I would never have thought of before--I'd probably have nodded a hello to the guys before. In group outings I've been fine, I've met friends dressed. I went to an appointment fully dressed and had lunch with a friend just yesterday. But when out alone I feel a fear that I've never felt before. Like today, I have a service tech coming to my house so I've gone with a hoodie and jeans (can't hide the earrings or nails, but...) because, well, why? I know it's silly, but it's come from my subconscious out of nowhere. I think it will go away over time, probably/hopefully, because I don't want to be afraid to show the world what makes me feel more me than I have ever felt in my life.

 

Because this is new to me, I figured I'd share. Being confident doesn't mean you can't feel anxious or a little fear I guess.

 

💜Mae

I have just read all of your story.

 

First of all, what an absolutely amazing wife you have! I'm really happy for you that you have someone who is so supportive & really understands what you are experiencing! She sounds like an absolute legend!

 

Reading through your story so far, that night you had a reservation at the restaurant and had to go home & change, I understand how that feels. Perhaps to a lesser degree as you're further down the road than me. Reading that part, I couldn't help but feel for you & get a wee tear in my eye. 

 

As for mirror moments, I think all of us have had at least one. When you look in the mirror and actually feel good about yourself. It's such a great feeling! 

 

With the service tech person coming over, do you think that's more a fear of you not 'passing' and being judged? I get that you will be feeling anxiety about it, it's perfectly natural to feel that. But I think if you have a situation like that again, you should be yourself completely. I bet you will find that once you have been in that situation once as yourself, overcome it, it will help build your confidence so much! 

 

How did you get on with your ear piercing? 

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12 hours ago, A Man Da said:

How did you get on with your ear piercing? 

 Funny you should ask! I just woke up an hour and a half early because in a half-asleep state I yanked on one of them and I'M AWAKE NOW! No damage, thankfully, but yeow! Otherwise, it's been pretty smooth sailing after the first couple nights of having to sleep solely on my back.

 

11 hours ago, A Man Da said:

do you think that's more a fear of you not 'passing' and being judged?

It wasn't a worry about passing, it was less specific and more reptile brained than that. Being judged was definitely a part of it, but I think it was the fact it was a one-on-one in my house interaction. I kind of feel like it was akin to going to the car shop, wanting to be taken seriously; a kind of projected prejudice, believing I'd have a frustrating or poor experience if I presented more feminine. It was fine, the person was really nice and a super professional. He didn't fix my bike, because Peloton didn't send the right parts, but he ensured me he would personally take care of it if he's still in town when it came in (he owns the service business that was fulfilling the job for Peloton).

 

12 hours ago, A Man Da said:

First of all, what an absolutely amazing wife you have!

Seconded! I don't know how I'd cope if she wasn't the truly wonderful person she is. A legend for sure! Reading about the challenges others have faced, I almost feel like I'm bragging. I really feel for those who have or are struggling with their relationship.

 

On 1/5/2024 at 8:24 PM, Ashley0616 said:

I know I can defend myself

I don't know that I can, but I will. I don't have combat training, but I know a few things! I hate that anyone has to feel they are at risk of physical harm just walking down the street. In my case I didn't feel like I would be harmed, but I didn't want to deal with toxic reactions so I avoided the possibility of some jokers ruining my day.

 

 

Thank you all for continuing the journey with me!

 

 

 

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So I came out to more friends this week, ones I role play Dungeons & Dragons with and see quite regularly. I called them before our session, so my appearance wouldn't become the topic of the evening and we could focus on the game; we ended up spending like a whole hour on colonoscopy talk, how silly I was thinking showing up in girls clothes and a little make up would disrupt this table! Everyone has been supportive in their own way.

 

I went out for a beer with one friend of 30 years after our D&D session. He seemed to need to put my journey on his terms while vocally stating his support for me. I'd obviously caught him off guard when I called him yesterday afternoon and it stuck with him. I felt like I was on trial a bit, on the defensive, but I figured we'd been friends so long that I'd give him as much information as I could to hopefully clear the dissonance in his head. Supposedly we're all "trapped" in the "2lb. grey ball in our head" and "people change, marriages change, how is [my] personality change different than getting older/maturing? My relationship has changed with my wife over the years, too." My answer, "but do you want to wear a bra and makeup now, too?"

 

Ugh.

 

We chatted over a single beer for at two and a half hours, we closed the bar down. Afterwards I was exhausted, completely mentally shot. Playing all that defense allowed the anxiety to slip in before bed and I woke up without enough sleep, fighting with myself again... "Is this all just a coat of paint? Is this much ado about nothing? Should I have said anything at all? Was it too soon?"

 

Reality slapped me in the face when I had to rush out and get my child from early release before hopping on a voice feminization coaching session. I was late to get out the door. But! I hadn't shaved or styled because I barely got any sleep! It gnawed at me. I tossed a coat of tinted Burt's Bees on my lips, half because they were chapped/half because, well, red! When I got home, I rolled on some mascara and ran a quick brush through my hair before hopping on camera two minutes late (I could have been on time, why did I need to get made up?). When I saw myself reflected back at me in Zoom, with the glaring blue beard shadow, I apologized to my coach for being so disheveled and covered my cheeks with my hands. She complimented me on my nails.

 

Would a cis male feel like this? Would a cis man feel a warm glow getting a compliment on their painted nails?

 

Ugh.

 

💜Mae

 

 

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10 minutes ago, MaeBe said:

So I came out to more friends this week, ones I role play Dungeons & Dragons with and see quite regularly. I called them before our session, so my appearance wouldn't become the topic of the evening and we could focus on the game; we ended up spending like a whole hour on colonoscopy talk, how silly I was thinking showing up in girls clothes and a little make up would disrupt this table! Everyone has been supportive in their own way.

 

I went out for a beer with one friend of 30 years after our D&D session. He seemed to need to put my journey on his terms while vocally stating his support for me. I'd obviously caught him off guard when I called him yesterday afternoon and it stuck with him. I felt like I was on trial a bit, on the defensive, but I figured we'd been friends so long that I'd give him as much information as I could to hopefully clear the dissonance in his head. Supposedly we're all "trapped" in the "2lb. grey ball in our head" and "people change, marriages change, how is [my] personality change different than getting older/maturing? My relationship has changed with my wife over the years, too." My answer, "but do you want to wear a bra and makeup now, too?"

 

Ugh.

 

We chatted over a single beer for at two and a half hours, we closed the bar down. Afterwards I was exhausted, completely mentally shot. Playing all that defense allowed the anxiety to slip in before bed and I woke up without enough sleep, fighting with myself again... "Is this all just a coat of paint? Is this much ado about nothing? Should I have said anything at all? Was it too soon?"

 

Reality slapped me in the face when I had to rush out and get my child from early release before hopping on a voice feminization coaching session. I was late to get out the door. But! I hadn't shaved or styled because I barely got any sleep! It gnawed at me. I tossed a coat of tinted Burt's Bees on my lips, half because they were chapped/half because, well, red! When I got home, I rolled on some mascara and ran a quick brush through my hair before hopping on camera two minutes late (I could have been on time, why did I need to get made up?). When I saw myself reflected back at me in Zoom, with the glaring blue beard shadow, I apologized to my coach for being so disheveled and covered my cheeks with my hands. She complimented me on my nails.

 

Would a cis male feel like this? Would a cis man feel a warm glow getting a compliment on their painted nails?

 

Ugh.

 

💜Mae

 

 

One of the biggest things that a lot of trans when they finally come out aren't going to get the support right away. They are transitioning to the big news. It could take months or even years. Unfortunately, there are just people who will never support or refuse to even listen. You did the right thing to come out. It may feel like your world is upside down, but YOU need to live your life and please yourself. Noone will love you like yourself. It took my mom three and a half months. Her and the pastor were quoting Bible verses to say that I was wrong. We finally agreed to disagree. She still doesn't support me, but she states that she loves me. It took seven months for my dad to come around and he was forced by his wife. Hang in there. It's like ripping a Band-Aid off. Let this be time to find yourself more and learn about your likes and dislikes. Treat yourself out to dates and things will get better. Maybe the coach is trying to be nice and be there for you. There are way too many suicides because there is no support but now adays you got places like forums. 

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@Ashley0616, I’m blessed in so far as my friend was mostly trying to process and not trying to argue with or dissuade me. It came out in a way I felt distressed about, but you’re absolutely right. It could have been way worse, far more difficult. I’ve made good friends over the years and, by luck or just excellent selection, none have turned on me. 
 

Family is next… work after that. This will be like a walk in the park. 
 

Ash, I hope your mom comes around. I hope the love for you will blossom into acceptance, that you two can find happiness and peace together. 
 

💜Mae

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3 minutes ago, MaeBe said:

@Ashley0616, I’m blessed in so far as my friend was mostly trying to process and not trying to argue with or dissuade me. It came out in a way I felt distressed about, but you’re absolutely right. It could have been way worse, far more difficult. I’ve made good friends over the years and, by luck or just excellent selection, none have turned on me. 
 

Family is next… work after that. This will be like a walk in the park. 
 

Ash, I hope your mom comes around. I hope the love for you will blossom into acceptance, that you two can find happiness and peace together. 
 

💜Mae

I wished she would but she is such red state of mind that she doesn't even listen to the points that democrats have done. The only news source she watches is Fox News. I guess I can always hope. I have already given up on her calling me Ashley. So much hope for expectations but nothing has come true. Some of sisters call me Ashley so I'll take the victories when I can. Good luck with your family. I hope things run a lot more smoothly for you than what happened to me. 

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I have been reading along, and I am quite impressed. Maebe, you are moving along quite well. 💞

 

Coming out a 'who we are' is more difficult on 'us' than it is for everyone else (at least I have found). 

Family for me was quite easy (except my father). They all remember my early teens with long hair and helping grandma make wedding dresses between ballet lessons. My father pushing 90 and living thousands of miles away doesn't really need to know (he was the one that took me out from being raised by grandma).

 

The rest of the family really have known all along. 

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7 hours ago, Birdie said:

I have been reading along, and I am quite impressed.

Thank you, Birdie! 😊

 

We all have different stories of self discovery and mine was not the "knew all along" variety, so I think there will be quite a bit of dissonance generated. Some of that is definitely internal projection, I'm sure, but at least with my father (and his family) it will be a struggle.

 

I am heartened, however, by hearing your news was well received.

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Shot #4 down.

 

I've noticed a cool swirly type sensation in my head, almost like being on the verge of dizziness but without any actual dizziness, after my shots. A couple times I noticed an odd taste in my mouth for a little bit after the injection, not quite metallic but something, too.

 

Other HRT notes:

  • My appetite has increased. I used to never be hungry before Lunch time, which helped with intermittent fasting, but I've been waking up hungry recently.
  • My nipples have been sore and breasts have been itchy, I already have breast buds from years with gynecomastia though, so hopefully the soreness is equating to growth--which I haven't noticed much of, if any (still fit in my 36Bs just fine, sadly).
  • My mood hasn't shifted much, but I do tear up a lot more than I used to.

Non-HRT-related:

 

Last weekend I went to Ulta and, while looking around, a male associate asked me if I could use help. I did. He sat me down and ran around the store getting all sorts of stuff and proceeded to put a face on me. He was super lovely and it was enjoyable, but I got way more of a face than I think I'd ever do. He did a blown out lip with a very bold color, which was a little over the top for me. He definitely sold me on things I already thought I needed and a couple extra things: brow pencil, a second concealer, and a new tinted moisturizer. The latter, he stated, would give me better coverage than the one I already have and I couldn't need color corrector for my beard shadow. Anyway, I spent enough money to feel guilty. Hopefully he gets some commission. 😊

 

I sent a pic to my wife, who was traveling, and I think it shocked her a bit. I got a little worried and some doubtful thoughts sifted into my brain. I had a bit of a time that day thinking how much of a fraud I must be. That passed, but still, I hate this merry-go-round of self-doubt and bouts of confidence. It's so exhausting!

 

I also called my brother, I felt I owed him a conversation after the family brunch from a couple weekends ago. He was good about my news and I learned some things about him that I never knew. Less to say, there's some general gender questioning in our blood it seems (he pass it off as a phase from his 20s, but it's an interesting link). I also learned my dad's girlfriend is exceptionally phobic of LGBTQ+ people on grounds of faith, which I'm sure will make the conversation with dad all the more wonderful. I sat one seat away from her at the brunch; she was poised, but I wonder if her skin was crawling all the while.

 

On a completely unrelated note, I have become one hell of a shoe girl. Facebook has keyed in on me and I am just enamored with oxford heels. There have been some beauties that have popped into my feed, but the sizing fight has kept me from going in deep. There were these Italian-made oxfords in a rich brown, with this beautiful black trim, that I swear I'd buy in a minute if I knew they would fit. They were $250 and I have only spent over $200 on a pair of shoes once before--on football (soccer) boots! 😜

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

6th week of estrogen nearly complete. I've noted the changes I've experienced elsewhere, but I figure I should add them here and some additional findings I'm starting to notice:

  • General
    • My appetite is increased. I almost never ate breakfast and am waking up hungry
    • I feel "lighter" the first couple of days after my shot, not euphoric but I can get "bubbly"
    • I have noticed I tend to feel "emotionally flat" around day 6 after injection
  • Breasts
    • Size has slightly increased, my 36Bs still fit but cups are fuller
    • Nipples and areolae are sensitive
    • General breast itchiness
  • Fat/Skin
    • Noticed butt/thigh jiggle on the bike, something's brewing there
    • Noticing "morning lines" in my skin more often
    • My "guy jeans" are almost too tight in the thighs after washing
    • Noticing the belly "cliff" from my stomach to my pubic region reducing in severity
      • Could be just weight loss
      • Could be additional fat in the pubic region
      • Could be fat redistribution! 🤩
    • Hair growth on my legs seems a hair slower 😜

Otherwise, it's been pretty run of the mill. I am still withholding information from work, my father, and extended family, but I am living "out" so to speak. I wear women's clothes most of the time, though I did wear a hoodie and my old boot cut boy jeans (they're barely boy jeans, super slim in the thighs but they have a low rise--I call them my gateway jeans) to a work happy hour I put together last week. No one said anything about my longer hair or earrings. I had to stop myself complimenting one of our employee's handbag, it was cute. <insert gruff manly utterances>

 

I am less apprehensive about notifying work, but I'm also wondering if there's anything worth mentioning to work at the moment. I haven't changed my name in any official capacity, though I have been going by Mae in some social situations (especially when the people are new to me), nor have I changed my pronouns. I continue to feel the "hitch" when people say "man" or "sir" to me, even when I'm out in makeup (I guess I need a few tutorials from @Ashley0616)! 😆So less to say, I still struggle with pronouns. Of note: I was at breakfast with a friend last week and they asked me if I'd decided to change my pronouns now and I was sitting in the booth across from them hemming and hawing about it--as I was reapplying my lipstick--quite the funny moment.

 

All-in-all, I'm less troubled and given to less anxiety about all of this. I still ponder what's at the end of my rainbow; am I a boy who likes being a girl, am I girl, or am I something else entirely? I almost feel ambivalent to the question, for now. I am what I am.

 

💜Mae

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Also, I need to deal with my facial hair something fierce. I can't stand going out with even the hint of stubble, even though my beard shadow has to be super obvious. Both must go!

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I honestly don't wear too much. Blush, bronzer, eye lashes and experimenting with contouring. 

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7 minutes ago, MaeBe said:

Also, I need to deal with my facial hair something fierce. I can't stand going out with even the hint of stubble, even though my beard shadow has to be super obvious. Both must go!

I completely understand I can't wait till my electrolysis! I'm stoked! Eventually no more shaving face, neck and body and be prepped for SRS! The biggest part is saving up for it! Don't waste your money on an IPL or at least it didn't work for me. My hairs were still growing. 

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