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MaeBe's Trail of Discovery


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It's funny with photos isn't it, how we think we look in them vs. how we actually do look in them! I'm hopeless at smiling and I have to try really hard not to frown or look like a zombie. I'm never sure how I come across to others.


I had a moment late last night when my eldest daughter facetimed my wife for some now forgotten reason, and when I was handed the tablet and talking to her, I was fixated on my image in the corner. My hair was wild at the time, I was a bit tipsy and all I saw was a woman! I have no idea what she saw in that context. I'll probably never know.

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How we look in photographs isn't really anything we can control.  I've actually searched for answers and there are lots of good explanations out there like this one:


https://www.foxbackdrop.com/blogs/news/beautiful-photogenic-reasons-tricks-foxbackdrop#:~:text=Based on the light-creation,angular faces are usually photogenic.


The simplest explanation is a picture captures our image two-dimensionally when in real-life, we are seen three-dimensionally.  A person can be beautiful or handsome in real life but the two-dimensional image can be way different.  So, for those of us that don't think we look good in a picture, fear not.  We are much better looking in three-dimensions.


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2 minutes ago, April Marie said:

Oh, I am drop-dead gorgeous in a totally different dimension

So, just imagine how spectacularly beautiful you'd be in four-dimensions April.

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7 minutes ago, Sally Stone said:

So, just imagine how spectacularly beautiful you'd be in four-dimensions April.

In those dimensions, not even Sophia Loren could hold a candle to me. A Goddess....in my own mind. lol

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All these beautiful people in my biography, I feel so blessed!


No fallout from the Facebook avatar thing, yet. I instantly deleted it, but I really do like the avatar I created. I'll have to recreate it when I'm more out to friends and family.


I guess they weren't dancing, one was blowing a birthday horn and mine was "like, omg, so surprised!"


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31 minutes ago, MaeBe said:

I really do like the avatar I created. I'll have to recreate it when I'm more out to friends and family.

I'm with you on the Facebook avatars. My sisters asked me about mine

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@MaeBe here’s the FaceBook avatar that had my sisters questioning me. When asked about it I replied with a cowgirl hat version. I would consider them soft outings. 




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On 4/17/2024 at 6:07 PM, MaeBe said:

Fixed that! 

That’s a great picture, MaeBe. 




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15 hours ago, Mmindy said:

That’s a great picture, MaeBe. 




Thank you, Mindy!


Love the avatar! I assume you weren’t out to your sister yet? Did the cowgirl reply start a dialogue?

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34 minutes ago, MaeBe said:

Did the cowgirl reply start a dialogue?

No, it was the birthday cake, tie-die shirt with breast. My youngest sister will love me forever and support me in whatever I do. My sister closest to me in age has disowned anything androgynous or feminine about me. I expected this to happen because she cut off and disowned her youngest daughter when she came out as lesbian. I will not stop using a feminine AVI. Let people think what they're going to think.





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2 hours ago, Mmindy said:

Let people think what they're going to think.

You pretty much gotta.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I haven't been posting much, it's been a bit of a whirlwind:

  • My wife took a job in WA State, meaning we're moving halfway across the country by the end of the Summer.
  • I was told "it would be good if you had a new job by the end of the month", meaning I'm getting laid off at the same time.
  • My eldest snuck booze while we were at our friends' house, had a bad interaction with his anti-depressants, and then had the huevos to lie that he wasn't drunk while accusing us of not trusting him.

There's been a lot to process lately.


That said, I got called ma'am for the first time today while out. Twice! I can't stop thinking about it. Later, my dad showed up without plan to watch the Liverpool match and I was way more girled up (see ma'am) than he's ever seen me; hair, makeup, tight top, skinny jeans, and brand new sandals. At one point he pointed at my boob and asked, "is that 'enhancement'?". If you call a t-shirt bra enhancement, I guess? "Nope, that's just me!". Later, my boss came at me all passive-aggressive via chat after hours, too. I'm kind of tired with his -crap-. I won't have a job in two weeks, so it's cool to just assume I'm sabotaging things? K. /eyeroll


It's been an interesting day.

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Goodness! You sure have been busy! That's really crappy of what your oldest pulled. That part about the talking about getting asked if it's an enhancement was funny. I guess your boss is going to miss you and just has a funny way of showing it? 

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On 5/14/2024 at 2:59 AM, Ashley0616 said:

I guess your boss is going to miss you and just has a funny way of showing it?

My boss is in a panic. His business is a couple straws away from breaking a camel in half. He's just handling the stress very poorly.


My dad, though. He's handling things pretty well, as long as I continue to don't get massively offended by being called: son, boy, etc. His eldest is leaving the State and looks so different than he's been used to over the years. I haven't told him I'm on HRT, but to be fair the changes haven't been massive. I've always had boobs, more so after COVID weight gain and made more obvious with its loss, but now I'm not hiding them--and obviously wearing a bra. The estrogen has done some work, but nothing major (sadly). I think the biggest HRT changes have been my skin and a mild amount of fat redistribution.


Today I'm wearing my cheater, I almost have cleavage! :D I need to get another t-shirt bra to keep a good rotation. I only have two, one push-up, and the rest are unlined (great for Summer, but not great for my Summer wardrobe ;)).

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Mourning the Boy


As I sit

Pants at the knees

The first tear hits

Rolls down a slender wrist

A wave of loss

So profound

As I come

To mourn the passing

Of the boy

A boy that once was

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Sorry for the schlocky poetry, feeling a little moody.

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I liked it, Mae.  No apologies necessary.  

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Just now, Sally Stone said:

I liked it, Mae.  No apologies necessary.  


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@MaeBe, Good luck and best wishes on the new start in the Great Northwest. I don’t know a parent that didn’t call out their kids for being drunk or high as rebellious teenagers. I just told my teens that they can’t kid a kidder, and I was a teenager early 1970s we could drink legally at 18 so I have tons of experience spotting drunk kids. 

As for the poetry, I liked it. 
We never have enough support bras or tee shirts in the rotation. 




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My kids are grown now.  I realize I don't know the half of what they did.  But my parents didn't know the half of what I did either.  It's just how it works.


You kinda know, but please spare me the details.  

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Just now, Ivy said:

You kinda know, but please spare me the details

Ignorance can be bliss sometimes, no?

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  • 2 weeks later...

Dreams, the latest battleground of dysphoria.


My dreams have been a battlefield between my socialized gender and the gender I’m living.


I feel like I should personify myself in dreams as feminine, however I find I’m “male” is many. It’s been difficult waking up when I remember the dream, as if the dream is telling me I am male and I am lying to myself. In these dreams, I do tend to have gender struggles, though; a recent dream had me choosing between gendered bathrooms, being “forced” into the men’s room by the women’s being opened from the inside by a woman and “scaring” me off. I felt wrong going into the men’s room, same as I do in waking hours, and it adds to my stress that I don’t seem to honor myself in my dreams.


How do you dream? Do you embody your lived gender or your socialized one?

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Gender rarely enters my dreams. I dream a lot about traveling and being on a journey somewhere. Recently, I did dream that I was out in public wearing one of my female sleepwear items. I remember thinking I had better get inside before someone saw me. 

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