Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Good morning All. Coffees on.


KymmieL

Recommended Posts

Today's a big day for me, I'm going to an appointment with a plastic surgeon to discus breast augmentation. I still have a little time before I should get one but I am a planner so wanted to meet/discuss/interview a doctor before I'm eligible.  It's clear I am never going to get to the size I want. Last week I wore a padded push-up bra that basically gave me B+ to small C size look and I loved how I felt and more importantly, how I was treated out and about.  Didn't get misgendered, people opening doors, asking me if I needed help carrying stuff or just finding things in the stores.  It's obvious boobs have power. hahahaha.  On the flip side, they made me feel dysphoric because they were just a costume so when I took the bra off it was such a crashing wake up call. With a tshirt on, I basically look like a man who works out a bit.  My wife thought the size I looked with that bra on was good for me. Not too big but fit my frame well so I am going to wear that to the Drs office as an example of what I'm looking for.  I think it would be wise to go about half a size lower for implants so that IF I get a late small spurt of growth it doesn't push things over the size.  This place will let you revise it once if the size doesn't work for just the cost of the implants themselves, no surgical costs so I feel good about his "satisfaction guarantee" . My goal for an actual surgical date is a hair over my 1 year HRT mark in September. 

Link to comment
  • Replies 23.5k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

  • Willow

    2064

  • KymmieL

    1665

  • Mmindy

    1410

  • Ivy

    1211

Top Posters In This Topic

Posted Images

  • Forum Moderator

Good morning ladies

 

coffee is made and first cup drunk. Guess I need to figure out what to do today before it gets too hot and humid to do it. We’ve had thunderstorms two days in a row and a possibility for more today.   Then things should cool down again as the weather patterns change. It made 90 yesterday in the PeeDee which is the area west of us.  There is certainly a disadvantage when it comes to living in a rice paddy.  We have coyote catchers, snake snaggers , alligator attackers, boar baggers, spider sprayers.  You name it we’ve got someone that specializes in getting rid of it.  

 

Guess I’ll finish my coffee and get ready for my day.

 

Willow

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
1 hour ago, Willow said:

We have coyote catchers, snake snaggers , alligator attackers, boar baggers, spider sprayers.  You name it we’ve got someone that specializes in getting rid of it. 

Would you happen to have someone that gets rid of idiots? The world is full of them.

 

Once again my Friday. and the white crap is falling. Just hope it is doing it this week not next when We head to Bowling Green. 

Don't know What is going with my wife last night. but she seemed to be regressing. Back to her, yeah You live here stage. almost ignoring me. Oh, Well. I am looking foreword to our trip next week.

 

Hugs,

Kymmie

Link to comment

Hi all, yes it is sad Liz and her wife have come to this point. I hope things work out. 

As far as me I turn 66 in July. My hair is growing out again after I cut it all off when I was going through

a period of, well, lets just a period in my life. I'm sending a close-up of me to give you all a better idea of

what I look like, I'm no spring chicken, but I'm still here.

LM♥️

 

Today46C.jpg

Link to comment

Well the weather broke so I finally took some photo's outside. Well I didn't actually take them, my wife did.

I built this house 21 years ago. It took me a whole year building it. 

Today46D.jpg

Today46E.jpg

Today46F.jpg

Today46G.jpg

Today46H.jpg

Link to comment

It's been a fairly successful day so far (for me).   Trip t the laundromat, the bank to deal with taxes stuff (which I put off too long), and then some gardening.   Some digging, then planted another tomato and a couple more peppers.

Doesn't sound like much, but considering that a couple of months age, a successful day was getting out of bed and actually getting dressed.   Things are looking up finally.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

@KymmieLhmm an idiot identifier?  Maybe a dumbo detainer?  Nope, can’t say I’ve seen either of those operators.  I’ve Seen plenty of game for them to pinch.  Don’t even need to hunt, they come to you.

 

Willow

Link to comment

Thought I'd post another video. Not sure why my phone records like looking in the mirror, everything is

turned back wards, I probably messed my phone settings up.

 

I do worry that I might be becoming a little annoying here, if so just say so, I won't take offense. 

I was to play a happier tune but considering what Liz is going through right now I thought this tune

was more appropriate.   

This tune is dedicated to Liz. 

My heart goes out to her and all that go through this part of transitioning.

Take care, love,

LM♥️

 

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Had a good experience today at work. A customer that I have known since I moved up front. She was commenting on my beautiful hair. made me feel good.

 

Everything is going good. Will be home alone tomorrow.  So Kymmie time. Hope to be alone on Friday too. supposed to be nice. and I have a VA appointment.

 

Kymmie

Link to comment

 

Good morning, hoping everybody had a manageable day yesterday.

 

I’ve been spending the week over at my dad’s for the week to house sit for him. It has been really nice because it is quiet for a change. After coming out at work and on Facebook, I am now enjoying the fruits of my hard work. It has been another fairly slow week at work for me, with fairly light work, which right now is just the calm before the storm. This weekend might be the first time seeing some family in a long time, and for sure the first time they will be meeting Amber. I think it will be a good thing for them to see me in mid transition so they can get used to the slow change versus fast change.

 

Hope everyone has a manageable day, and know you are not alone.

 

Link to comment

Good morning everyone.  On my first cup of coffee.  2 mile run this morning.  My first public race since starting hormones.  I was gonna try a full marathon but decided on a half.  I had a great moment this week.  My mom texted me to let me know when she had slipped up and misgendered me my Dad corrected her.  My Dad has been supportive but still getting use to female pronouns.  I actually happy cried when read the text

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Good morning everyone 

 

enjoying my coffee. It’s a really nice spring day today.  As promised the cold front came through.  Only going to be 70.  Yes @KymmieL that’s a far cry better than your 37.  But it’s also better than our 90 and humid.  Going to work on my boat today. Hoping to figure out what I’ll need to fit the engine so I can get that moving. I hope I don’t have to replace the control cables.  It was one thing to cut my way into a junk boat to get them out entirely different when I have to thread them in blind.  Too many bulkheads and sharp turns that have to be negotiated.  Same issue with the electric panel, but I have no choice with that one.  I’ll probably try to accomplish that first.

 

My wife will never totally accept my being Trans.  However, we can openly talk about it now, and I can be who I need to be most of the time.  There are those people whom I don’t care to have know about me, but it’s more that I am not coming right up to them and telling them.  I’m not hiding from them.

 

Willow

Link to comment

Good day everyone!

 

@Bri2020 I hope your appointment went well. Last weekend I tried a bra with very nice breast shapes and it felt sooo good. I can totally relate to the dysphoric feeling of taking it off.

 

@Linda Marie I loved the blue dress and the song (plus the warm dedication to Liz).

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

@AmberMglad week has been good at work. Have a restful time introducing Amber.

 

@Linda Marie I didn't notice you to AR left-handed as are Cyndee and I.

Link to comment
On 5/5/2021 at 5:40 AM, Bri2020 said:

Today's a big day for me, I'm going to an appointment with a plastic surgeon to discus breast augmentation. I still have a little time before I should get one but I am a planner so wanted to meet/discuss/interview a doctor before I'm eligible.  It's clear I am never going to get to the size I want. Last week I wore a padded push-up bra that basically gave me B+ to small C size look and I loved how I felt and more importantly, how I was treated out and about.  Didn't get misgendered, people opening doors, asking me if I needed help carrying stuff or just finding things in the stores.  It's obvious boobs have power. hahahaha.  On the flip side, they made me feel dysphoric because they were just a costume so when I took the bra off it was such a crashing wake up call. With a tshirt on, I basically look like a man who works out a bit.  My wife thought the size I looked with that bra on was good for me. Not too big but fit my frame well so I am going to wear that to the Drs office as an example of what I'm looking for.  I think it would be wise to go about half a size lower for implants so that IF I get a late small spurt of growth it doesn't push things over the size.  This place will let you revise it once if the size doesn't work for just the cost of the implants themselves, no surgical costs so I feel good about his "satisfaction guarantee" . My goal for an actual surgical date is a hair over my 1 year HRT mark in September. 

I think it's good to plan ahead. I got registered with the surgeon asap because there's an almost 2 year waiting list for bottom surgery. I think it takes 2 years or more for your breasts to grow though. You may want to rethink your time frame.

Link to comment
On 5/5/2021 at 6:25 AM, Willow said:

Good morning ladies

 

coffee is made and first cup drunk. Guess I need to figure out what to do today before it gets too hot and humid to do it. We’ve had thunderstorms two days in a row and a possibility for more today.   Then things should cool down again as the weather patterns change. It made 90 yesterday in the PeeDee which is the area west of us.  There is certainly a disadvantage when it comes to living in a rice paddy.  We have coyote catchers, snake snaggers , alligator attackers, boar baggers, spider sprayers.  You name it we’ve got someone that specializes in getting rid of it.  

 

Guess I’ll finish my coffee and get ready for my day.

 

Willow

Wow, I think I'll stay here in central Illinois. I only have wasps wanting to make my home into their home.

Link to comment
On 5/5/2021 at 9:32 AM, Linda Marie said:

Hi all, yes it is sad Liz and her wife have come to this point. I hope things work out. 

As far as me I turn 66 in July. My hair is growing out again after I cut it all off when I was going through

a period of, well, lets just a period in my life. I'm sending a close-up of me to give you all a better idea of

what I look like, I'm no spring chicken, but I'm still here.

LM♥️

 

Today46C.jpg

Looks good. 

Link to comment
4 hours ago, Danni B. said:

Good morning everyone.  On my first cup of coffee.  2 mile run this morning.  My first public race since starting hormones.  I was gonna try a full marathon but decided on a half.  I had a great moment this week.  My mom texted me to let me know when she had slipped up and misgendered me my Dad corrected her.  My Dad has been supportive but still getting use to female pronouns.  I actually happy cried when read the text

That's great. I rarely have even my wife call me Jamie instead of Jim. It sucks. Pay close attention to your health. The hormones have possible side effects. I'm not trying to scare you. I'm sure you know to drink lots of water. I've been on medical HRT for

2-1/2 months now and haven't noticed any changes except my nipples being tender all the time, hopefully growing boobs.

Link to comment
4 hours ago, Willow said:

Good morning everyone 

 

enjoying my coffee. It’s a really nice spring day today.  As promised the cold front came through.  Only going to be 70.  Yes @KymmieL that’s a far cry better than your 37.  But it’s also better than our 90 and humid.  Going to work on my boat today. Hoping to figure out what I’ll need to fit the engine so I can get that moving. I hope I don’t have to replace the control cables.  It was one thing to cut my way into a junk boat to get them out entirely different when I have to thread them in blind.  Too many bulkheads and sharp turns that have to be negotiated.  Same issue with the electric panel, but I have no choice with that one.  I’ll probably try to accomplish that first.

 

My wife will never totally accept my being Trans.  However, we can openly talk about it now, and I can be who I need to be most of the time.  There are those people whom I don’t care to have know about me, but it’s more that I am not coming right up to them and telling them.  I’m not hiding from them.

 

Willow

If you do have to swap cables, make sure you hook an electricians fish tape securely to the old ones before pulling them out so you will be able to pull the new ones through the same path.

Link to comment

I've been trying to catch up on all the stuff I've been neglecting these past months.  Got the car inspected and tag renewed this morning.  Then a bunch of mowing in the jungle-yard.  

Yesterday I planted another tomato and a couple of pepper plants, one in a pot.  Got to have my hot peppers.

IMG_0155.thumb.jpg.2beb23fabf8616fc816bee4285f38824.jpg

Link to comment

 

This is little jumbled and just the cliff-notes.

 

I didn't have the capacity for words to describe things until now. Last week, Wednesday when I took my wife for her 2nd vaccination and she misgendered me 4 times in front of everyone I tried to be polite and mention it her her in a by-the-way tone. She just went off the rails and accused me of attacking her and trying to start a fight. I thought that was the extent of it but it wasn't. Fast forward to Sunday night on of my friend sent me a message literally just to say hi. I was asked what was going on. Oh, it's just so-and-so from Michigan just saying hi......She trans....  Later on I was asked about who all these new FB friends are that I have. I just said there all trans-woman. I was left feeling like I'm not allowed to make friends I thought it was simple.

 

Tuesday on the way home from work she asked me if I would stop and pick up ice cream. Usually these requests are followed up with "and cigarettes".  Due to her health she really needs to quit but won't. She asked me what was wrong and then made the mistake of saying I never tell her the truth about how I feel. So I did and things went really, really bad. I explained how I'm watching her life fade away because of her health conditions and then smoking on top of it. Despite everything I can do, I cannot save her, I cannot fix her, I am completely helpless. So I get a ring-side seat to watch her life force disappear. I know I will wake up one morning and she won't be breathing. My words were met with met with nothing but pure rage. So I said it. There is absolutely nothing I can do to make you happy anymore and we cannot talk without everything turning into a screaming match. I'm done. I'm tired of fighting. I will give you what you had repeatedly suggested I wanted, a divorce. First words out of mouth. You gonna run off and marry one of your trans-friends? Then she started tearing into me about me therapist. Saying he's worthless, is not helping me, all I ever do is lie to her. I don't lie, can't lie. I have omitted things but lie? No, I can't even keep a straight face while playing a joke on someone. She refuses to understand my therapist is helping, I'm still alive. My last suicide attempt has since been minimized and means nothing more to her than a paper cut would.

 

At this point she wants me to cut all ties with everyone in my family. Never talk about "us" with anyone. I'm not allowed to have any friends come to our house especially if they're trans.

 

During all of the emotional stuff there's the physical aspect of it. Our house needs work. I am not longer physically capable of doing a lot of the work. Partially due to loss of muscle mass but mostly because I have to a 2 level fusion in my neck and a knee that is on the verge of needing a full replacement. I didn't have these obstacle 10 years ago. Currently I'm doing 90% of the chores she was doing in addition to everything I was already responsible for. With my increased responsibilities I don't have time for new projects.

 

Since I have been a lot more comfortable with using my pronouns and referring to myself as a woman around her somehow that equates to me shoving my "trans-ness" in her face all the time. Obviously I can be a little juvenile in expression but I'm living and exploring a life I never had and I can be an adult when I need to. She outright refuses to talk about me going forward with transition. Usually stating we can't afford any part of it. The thing is my insurance will cover everything 100% since we already met our $900 (you read that right $900) out-of-pock for the year. My employer/owner stated they will do everything they can to help and support me if/when I go forward. Granted, their good intentions may come from a pervy/fetish place but whatever, it's better than hate.

 

I feel at this point there's nothing I can do to save my marriage. She will never be happy no matter what I do and I will never be happy if I can't move forward. I don't see a  reason why I should even try to hold things together anymore.

 

Anyways, that's part of what's going on.

 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
3 hours ago, Elizabeth Star said:

 

This is little jumbled and just the cliff-notes.

 

I didn't have the capacity for words to describe things until now. Last week, Wednesday when I took my wife for her 2nd vaccination and she misgendered me 4 times in front of everyone I tried to be polite and mention it her her in a by-the-way tone. She just went off the rails and accused me of attacking her and trying to start a fight. I thought that was the extent of it but it wasn't. Fast forward to Sunday night on of my friend sent me a message literally just to say hi. I was asked what was going on. Oh, it's just so-and-so from Michigan just saying hi......She trans....  Later on I was asked about who all these new FB friends are that I have. I just said there all trans-woman. I was left feeling like I'm not allowed to make friends I thought it was simple.

 

Tuesday on the way home from work she asked me if I would stop and pick up ice cream. Usually these requests are followed up with "and cigarettes".  Due to her health she really needs to quit but won't. She asked me what was wrong and then made the mistake of saying I never tell her the truth about how I feel. So I did and things went really, really bad. I explained how I'm watching her life fade away because of her health conditions and then smoking on top of it. Despite everything I can do, I cannot save her, I cannot fix her, I am completely helpless. So I get a ring-side seat to watch her life force disappear. I know I will wake up one morning and she won't be breathing. My words were met with met with nothing but pure rage. So I said it. There is absolutely nothing I can do to make you happy anymore and we cannot talk without everything turning into a screaming match. I'm done. I'm tired of fighting. I will give you what you had repeatedly suggested I wanted, a divorce. First words out of mouth. You gonna run off and marry one of your trans-friends? Then she started tearing into me about me therapist. Saying he's worthless, is not helping me, all I ever do is lie to her. I don't lie, can't lie. I have omitted things but lie? No, I can't even keep a straight face while playing a joke on someone. She refuses to understand my therapist is helping, I'm still alive. My last suicide attempt has since been minimized and means nothing more to her than a paper cut would.

 

At this point she wants me to cut all ties with everyone in my family. Never talk about "us" with anyone. I'm not allowed to have any friends come to our house especially if they're trans.

 

During all of the emotional stuff there's the physical aspect of it. Our house needs work. I am not longer physically capable of doing a lot of the work. Partially due to loss of muscle mass but mostly because I have to a 2 level fusion in my neck and a knee that is on the verge of needing a full replacement. I didn't have these obstacle 10 years ago. Currently I'm doing 90% of the chores she was doing in addition to everything I was already responsible for. With my increased responsibilities I don't have time for new projects.

 

Since I have been a lot more comfortable with using my pronouns and referring to myself as a woman around her somehow that equates to me shoving my "trans-ness" in her face all the time. Obviously I can be a little juvenile in expression but I'm living and exploring a life I never had and I can be an adult when I need to. She outright refuses to talk about me going forward with transition. Usually stating we can't afford any part of it. The thing is my insurance will cover everything 100% since we already met our $900 (you read that right $900) out-of-pock for the year. My employer/owner stated they will do everything they can to help and support me if/when I go forward. Granted, their good intentions may come from a pervy/fetish place but whatever, it's better than hate.

 

I feel at this point there's nothing I can do to save my marriage. She will never be happy no matter what I do and I will never be happy if I can't move forward. I don't see a  reason why I should even try to hold things together anymore.

 

Anyways, that's part of what's going on.

 

 

That sounds absolutely awful on a number of levels.

 

I'm glad you're doing something for yourself though. Please keep us posted. We're always here if you need to vent.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment
3 hours ago, Elizabeth Star said:

I don't see a  reason why I should even try to hold things together anymore.

I'm sorry this is being so hard for you.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   7 Members, 0 Anonymous, 121 Guests (See full list)

    • Petra Jane
    • Mmindy
    • KathyLauren
    • Ashley0616
    • Heather Shay
    • Adrianna Danielle
    • April Marie
  • Recently Browsing   1 member

    • Mmindy

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.9k
    • Total Posts
      771k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,145
    • Most Online
      8,356

    CrystalMarie
    Newest Member
    CrystalMarie
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. DaveMK
      DaveMK
    2. Heidi45
      Heidi45
      (46 years old)
    3. Jordy
      Jordy
      (42 years old)
    4. stella
      stella
      (61 years old)
  • Posts

    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
      You might need adjustment. I think fatigue might be something you discuss with your endo or doctor or NP.
    • Heather Shay
      Welcome. Well written and relatable. I get it. I see you've met some of the wonderful sisters here and more will join in soon.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      I'm finally home after a really long day.  I haven't been online much because I've been with my husband, helping the victims of the tornado in the neighboring county.   A lot of progress has been made in 4 days.  Some electricity has been restored, and wreckage has been cleared away from the roads.  We got the kitchen and lodging areas set up for the folks who lost their homes, so hopefully local folks can take over now.  Its amazing how much food has been donated so far, and clothes being collected.  My husband's company donated electrical equipment, and the time of work crews to install it.  They're going to be really busy in the coming weeks, with work locally, producing parts, and fulfilling orders from other areas.  So many places have been severely damaged in recent weeks.    For the moment, my part in the work is completed.  Now comes the next struggle - taking care of my husband.  He was finally able to come home tonight, since the situation is stable and their local people are gradually taking over.  But he stayed awake from Sunday morning until this evening, working constantly with only brief naps.    I'm already getting the medicines prepared, because I know he'll have a cold or the flu by this weekend.      Very true.  I think they have been teaching math in a different way for the last 30 years.  Kids aren't proficient in it...I know I'm not.  My husband believes in knowing how to do calculations on paper, just in case.  Its interesting to watch him scratch a few figures on the back of a receipt, just to check.  I never fully learned long division in school, and anything algebra was way beyond me.  Easy enough to get a passing grade without really knowing the material.  I've slowly learned some of what I should have known years ago...
    • EasyE
      Vicky is spot on. Find a therapist who can help you walk through these next steps. That did so much for me just to have someone there to listen, smile, ask me lots of questions and validate all my thoughts and feelings. It has helped me find me!   I am no professional, just a friend on the journey who wants you to know that you are not alone, you are in great company here and that you are a one-of-a-kind treasure. Best wishes and blessings to you!   EasyE
    • EasyE
      So ...  I obeyed the request you all made to talk with my doc about my fatigue. Thanks for looking out for me!!   He ordered blood work last week and thankfully there are no issues with my thyroid or other things being out of balance (my potassium is back in normal range).   The only flag on the test: My T is low! That is without spiro (and maybe was low even before I began HRT?? Just my speculation)   My E levels are on the high end of the normal range. Waiting for the doc's report on everything. I likely saw the test results before he did... thanks for your concern. 
    • missyjo
      hi friends so I'm reading on electrolysis n it seems it's touchy or bad for epilepsy    does anyone have input on safely getting electrolysis with epilepsy?    good providers..even if doctors? thank you
    • EasyE
      Congrats on this step of your journey... will be interesting to see how things go for you as I am only about eight weeks ahead and doing a little different plan... I did a lot of reading on estrogen monotherapy (no spiro) and my doc was OK starting me on an E patch alone. I have already stepped up the dosage once... I have experienced some mild effects thus far. Some "plumping" in my chest (that at least I have noticed) and a little more roller coaster emotions being the biggest...   Enjoy the ride. Welcome to the party. As others have shared, there are a lot of great, thoughtful people on here. I like to draw from the many varied experiences others have had and am learning a lot from that! Blessings to you!!   Easy
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      My cooking the last few days has all been in large batches, and not at home.  I guess my skills feeding a large family helped, since I've been working in an aid kitchen for folks who are now homeless because of a tornado.  Simple food, in really big pots.  Here's a simple but filling "guideline" (I won't call it a recipe) for something you can throw together to feed a crowd:   Red lentils and barley in equal quantities Meat of some kind - sausage, chicken...even Spam or hot dogs can work Onions Celery Something green - swiss chard, bok choy, cabbage.... whatever.    Add spices.  Salt, pepper, oregano, and maybe a bit of cumin.  Taste and adjust ingredients.  Boil while stirring, making sure nothing sticks to the bottom.  This soup should be thick, almost to the point of the spoon being able to stand up straight in the pot.  When serving, you can garnish with a tomato slice and a bit of sour cream, if you have it.    This kind of food is very filling, cheap and easy to make, and has a lot of protein.  Not just from the meat, but from the combined complimentary amino acids of the lentils and barley.  You could also use wheat and rice, beans and rice, or similar.  Its a good recipe for people in need of simple nourishment and fuel for hard work. 
    • VickySGV
      All of these are very common things that have been discussed by our members here over the years.  It sounds very much to me that you need to find a Therapist who deals in Gender issues and get some therapy going.  Where it will eventually take you is not mine or anyone else here's position to tell you who or how you wish to live as, but we can be here to tell you that you are not wrong for having those feelings or questions.  Because you have questions, you have at least a chance of finding answers.  Welcome to the Forums.
    • benwitz2
      This might be really long so apologies in advance. I (26 y/o AMAB) was raised by two women. I have an older sister. All of my role models growing up were wonderful, mostly gay, women; the few male adults I had in my life were angry and abusive. My grandfather beat and psychologically tormented my mom and her twin brother. Whether that's the reason I'm not sure, but there was never any attempt to get me a male role model through a Big Brother program or anything like that. From a young age I felt intense alienation and shame for being male. When I went through puberty I started experiencing social dysphoria. My mannerisms, worldview, likes, dislikes, access to and depth of emotion, conceptions of friendship, intimacy, and romance, etc.-- all of it was/is squarely on the feminine side of the supposed binary. I have very few masculine aspects of self. I feel like a girl in spirit. This is not about the physical body for me, or it at least it wouldn't be if gender wasn't assigned by sex. In the summer of high school I finally met a man who was a beautiful and positive role model for masculinity, but he got terminally ill after one summer. During that summer I didn't feel any more masculine, but I at least had finally found a man that wasn't thrown by that-- he met me where I was, and treated me like he a son or little brother. I don't know if I experience gender dysphoria. I don't have any acute sense of body dysmorphia, but I don't like being seen or thought of as a man. I feel like I'm always performing or lying. I don't identify with my post-pubescent body. Being a boy was ok, but not a man (apparently Contrapoints said that too?). I don't HATE the hair on my chest. I can appreciate it in a detached way. It makes me feel adult, but I don't feel like a man with hair on his chest, if that makes sense. I don't like the message it sends to the world. And while I don't crave a vagina just for its material existence, I want people to treat me like I have one (breasts I'm still considering). I despise my bass singing voice and could count on my fingers how many times I've used it in my life. Sometimes I wish I were gay so that any of this made any sense. When I was 11 or 12 I had a massive, acute existential crisis that led to me going non verbal for a day, and I've been dissociating ever since with some episodes of depersonalization/derealization. Every day I wake up feeling grief and guilt. I used to pin all this on my moms' separation, but that's starting to feel more and more like a red herring. Recently I have theorized that that has something to do with the beginning of puberty, and that I removed myself from my body when it began to develop. It's very hard for me to "inhabit" my body, and when I do, all I feel is that grief. It's a very odd sensation-- it feels like I used to have this little sister who died when I was a kid. Last night a song from my early childhood brought back what felt like repressed emotions, and I sobbed harder than I have in years. I was racked with grief over a death that never happened of someone I never knew. The obvious trans reading of that is that that little sister was me, and I went into exile when puberty hit. I don't want to transition or be a trans girl-- I want to wake up having been a cis girl this whole time. And to be honest I want to want to be trans so that I can get over this fear and just start transitioning. Others have described their trans awakening as joyful, but all I feel is anger and grief for the way I was born. I am worried that this signals that it's more of an interpersonal schism/learned hatred of being a "man" than it is "genuine" transgenderism. Is it a thing to not want to transition at all, to not want to be transgender, but to want to be just cis of your preferred sex? What if I'm just a really feminine guy, and I'm stuck, as I want to act feminine and be perceived as feminine, but I'm not actually transgender? And if that's true, why do I still want to be transgender? I'm not asking for anyone to tell me whether or not I'm trans, I am just wondering if anyone sees themselves in these experiences.
    • Mikayla2024
      YASSSSSS GIRL!! 🥳🥳🥳   Such a small world, Kathy!! If you live in NS, you’re def a bluenoser in my eyes ⛴️ !! 😊    But thank you so much for the response and advice!! Everyone’s HRT path is def different and I realize that, I’m just thankful that I’m finally starting somewhere and you’re right having the script has totally relieved my dysphoria symptoms even more! It’s like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I can finally start the transitioning process !!   The way I see it, It’s only 4 weeks or 28 days on Spiro then I’ll be on Estrogen pills along with it. So, it’s going to come much sooner than I would’ve liked to realize. I just have to trust the process as I’m her first patient ever to do a full transition from the beginning and the fact that she’s willing to take me on and learn about it at the same time makes me really comfortable and trust in her process. The thing I like about her is that she told me she took an online course on gender affirming care on her own time specifically for me. So I believe she might know a thing or two.    We have a plan to do that for 6 months to 1 year and if everything is good with my labs then it’ll be injections and I hear that alone is enough to suppress T once it’s suppressed by the original regiment. 
    • Betty K
      That’s a brilliant analogy! 
    • VickySGV
      Now that you put it that way, I fully agree on its potential for those putting together educational guidelines.  One of my HMO's medical centers, has a garden plot with ONLY our local plants that are poisonous to human beings as part of our diet or skin absorbtion for teaching purposes.  I can easily the document as that sort of display. 
    • Betty K
      I think there is one (and probably only one) way to positively view the Cass Review: it collects all the most powerful weapons of the “gender critical” movement into one convenient repository, at least as regards gender-affirming care. To me, it’s like a crash course in how to fight GC ideology and advocate for trans kids. I am seeing it as my doctorate in the topic.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...