Good morning All. Coffees on.

[Alice_Sybilina]

@Bri2020I'm so sorry. I hope you find a way to bypass the rerun. Have you tried maybe getting a letter of explanation from your doctor to pass on? And I agree I wish I had a boss like you.

 

Clues. Do you know how confused I always was when I never let myself ask the questions that would have made things easier but I kept having dreams of being a girl or having sex as a girl, then I wake up like -what the heck-!? The clues are something you see afterwards, after you admit it to yourself, because before that point they are all just 'malfunctions' because you're brain is an a**hole.

 

Right now I have broad shoulders, enlarged forearms, defined chest, etc., and don't get me wrong, I love that I've been able to make myself what I thought I wanted and I still work out because I love the strength and power, but oh my God how disappointed I am in myself  when I put on girl clothes and see how my work worked the wrong way. I always knew I was different but I saw it as alien different. I still kind of do. I actually wish I was just full trans-woman because you get so many clues as to how that is supposed to look but being in the middle is terrible for identity issues. I don't know what I am at any point. Everything I do works against half of myself. 

 

Wishing I was one of the girls, that is powerful. There's been so many times I wish I could just be with that crowd but I felt like everyone would see me as predatory. Just because I was born into a world where there are weak scared things and there are strong overpowering things. That's so much crap. I never tried to be overmasculine but then I had to because it's all so scary and how do you protect yourself when you're the scariest thing you have ever encountered? I'm scared of men because I don't understand them like I "should". I'm scared of women because I know they're scared of me. I am an artist and a writer because I've never cared how people see me except that omg I can't fake my way out of the fact that all of it has always meant so much to me. I can't "man up" and I can't "woman up". So I know how to do everything. And I can't do any of it very well. 

 

I know how to help others though, because all the pain I've went through and all of the self-doubt, it was worth it in the end. You don't get diamonds without pressure. A lot of pressure. The more pressure the stronger the diamond. If any of you find yourself in a place where you feel like the world has turned on you or that things aren't easy enough or fair enough I want you to know that that's God making you a more perfect diamond. And diamonds cut. There's nothing stronger. (don't talk to me about bucky balls, lol) 

[Alice_Sybilina]

I know that as long as I am hurting, I haven't stopped growing. I'm not what I need to be yet and I'm so excited about that because that means there's more strength coming to me. Every hard thing gives me more love that I can help everyone else with. 

[Alice_Sybilina]

I don't know what I would have done without all of you. Thank you all so much for being amazing people. This is my second home and I want you all to know how much you all mean to me. 

[Mmindy]

2 hours ago, Bri2020 said:

As if my mental health needed any more challenges; MY SURGEON JUST QUIT!  They were finally scheduling my consult and he's leaving the Johns Hopkins transgender center and I have to start from scratch. He was the only local one Kaiser covered and they haven't even identified a surgeon to replace him at Hopkins.  I'm -censored- frantic

Wow! I’m so sorry to hear this Bri. Just up and quit! Who does that without mentoring a replacement? I don’t know how Doctors switch affiliations, how dedicated are they to appointments already made? You’re in my prayers as you figure out where your surgery status is. 
 

Hugs,

 

Mindy??️‍⚧️?

[Alice_Sybilina]

And I didn't even talk about the attraction thing. I've always saw the beauty in men, but I could never admit it. In high school I tried to come out as bi (I didn't know the term pan back then) and I had little balding guys come up to me taking about how they should punch my in my f**** mouth. So that ended that really quick. But I always talked to my (current) wife about how pretty I thought guys were, even if I didn't wonder why I thought that. 

[Mmindy]

1 hour ago, Alice_Sybilina said:

I don't know what I would have done without all of you. Thank you all so much for being amazing people. This is my second home and I want you all to know how much you all mean to me. 

Alice, I haven’t commented on your posts, even though I read them all. Plus the return comments by the so friendly and supportive people here at TransPulseForums. The experience and wisdom here is comparable to real time therapy. Like everyone else has sai, I always thought I should have been a girl, but in the 1960s & 70s you didn’t dare mentioning it or you were beaten by your dad, or the older guys at school. Like many here I’m a late in life transition, confident and happy with the new attitude of expectance. I just watched the Netflix documentary Disclosures hosted by Lavern Cox. Wow how times have changed, but we still have a long way to go. 
 

Hugs, 

 

Mindy??️‍⚧️?

[KathyLauren]

2 hours ago, Bri2020 said:

As if my mental health needed any more challenges; MY SURGEON JUST QUIT!  They were finally scheduling my consult and he's leaving the Johns Hopkins transgender center and I have to start from scratch. He was the only local one Kaiser covered and they haven't even identified a surgeon to replace him at Hopkins.  I'm -censored- frantic

Bri, that is awful!  I really feel for you.  That must be devastating. 

 

Be strong.  You will find a way forward.

[KymmieL]

God, Bri. I am so sorry about your Dr. Hopefully that whom ever you get that replaces him. Will pick up where he left off. 

Alice, at the time I was not even a full cross dresser. But the reason why I  joined has eluded me until recently.  My father always asked me why I joined. My answer was always I don't really know.

 

Kymmie 

[Alice_Sybilina]

Just changed my gender on Facebook along with a non-binary post. Let's see how many from my old life accept me. Please wish me luck everyone.

[Elizabeth Star]

Holy cow I missed a lot today.

I'm gonna try to sum things up as fast a possible. I just had blood work done 2 weeks ago and it has remained stable. The only conclusion I can come to is that I suffer from the mythological trans woman PMS. I have been tracking my moods since the beginning of the year and it seems to happen every 3rd week and lasts 2-3 days. And that is when it get triggered.

 

More to come...I can't keep my eyes open.?

 

 

[Elizabeth Star]

One of my furry kids woke me up at 4am.

 

Spent most of yesterday in downtown Chicago. Wife needed tests done at one of the hospitals. They're still enacting covid protocols so I wasn't allowed to wait with her. I filled out their form with my name an number and we parted ways. I had several hours to kill so I explored the area, again. All together I walked about 4 miles, was exposed to probably hundreds of people and never once did I feel and negativity toward me. I did have a random woman compliment me on my hair, a random guy compliment me on my shirt. Now that I think about it, It was just a standard Nine Inch Nails t-shirt that I cropped. Nothing special about it.

 

On the ride home she checked in with her mother. During the conversation she was switching back and forth between names. One moment it's my dead name, the next it's Liz. I feel she is now putting in a sincere effort. I dropped her off and headed out for some much needed shopping.

 

One of the stops I made was at a tobacco shop. She's committed to quit smoking so asked if I could get her a vape pen while I was out. No problem, happy to. All they had left in stock was red or blue. It's one of those tough little decisions I shouldn't make on my own so I called her. while I was explaining, to my wife, what they had in stock the cashier asks me what flavor nic-juices "he" might like. Wait, the cashier just assumed the person I'm calling baby and dear on the phone is a man? Really? My deductive reasoning says she only saw me as a hetero woman from the moment I entered the shop. I take it as a big win for passing but fail for guessing my sexuality. Maybe in a way they're both wins.

 

[Mmindy]

1 hour ago, Elizabeth Star said:

All they had left in stock was red or blue. It's one of those tough little decisions I shouldn't make on my own so I called her.

That’s great Liz, what color did she pick? Dominant risk taking Red, or Simple Blue leaving the cashier convinced you’re committed to a guy? 
 

Really glad you had a good experience in the city of Chicago.

 

Stay positive and safe,

 

Mindy??️‍⚧️?

[Heather Shay]

@Elizabeth Star certainly a positive day. Glad to hear it. My wife is just starting to use my name once and a while so like your wife I'm happy because she is making an effort.

[Willow]

Good morning 

 

we are getting ready to leave to go back to South Carolina 

 

@Bri2020 unfortunately I hear too many people with the same problem.  Doctor changes practice and you have to start all over again.

 

liz hope your wife’s tests come back ok. 
 

willow

[Jamie68]

21 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

So, @April-Showers... what Bri said. There was a LOT of back-pressure back in the day to conform to stereotypical gender roles or else. The or else tended to be ostracization from friends, family... all your support groups really. If you were still in school, you may get straight-up murdered if not just just bullied and beaten on a daily basis for being "different." There weren't any employment protections. Well, no protections really. That includes housing. In my state you don't have to rent to someone because they're trans. For a lot of us there still aren't.* So a lot of our brothers and sisters ended up on the streets and/or in the sex trade. There were some success stories, but you never heard about them without the internet. Isolated communities where you could find some support, if you knew they were there. They didn't advertise.

So we suppressed it. We'd jerk our way through life like some sort of marionette, trying our best to build something for ourselves that brought us a little happiness, but careful not to stray too far from the norm. I knew for a LONG time that I was different, but I didn't even have a name for it until... oh, about thirty years ago and it was always presented as a punchline. It's only become even sort of acceptable within the last ten to fifteen years to be out without facing major blowback from your community (in a lot of places, your mileage may vary based on your support network).

Putting your psyche back together and figuring out why you're so crushingly unhappy is like a messed-up scavenger hunt after that. There are clues and cues from way back when. Before society ruthlessly crushed them out of you. Compounding that is that in the day, boys weren't allowed to talk about your feelings so you just assumed EVERYBODY felt like that. I mean, who DIDN'T lie awake at night crying because they desperately wanted to be one of the girls, right?

It's a bad deal. I'm glad it's getting better though. Girls like us can live out in the open and maybe have a chance to thrive.

I absolutly agree. I could never talk to anyone, especially my parents about how I felt. I would have been put away. I just lived my life as was expected of me, while inside was enduring mental torture. The only things that kept me alive were hard work, music, and a wife who loves me. She always knew something was off about me but loved me anyway. I only really figured out who or what I am till after I retired almost 3 years ago. I had to. I was spiraling down a dark fatal path at jet speed. It took everything I had to correct my course. I am so much better now.

[Elizabeth Star]

2 hours ago, Mmindy said:

3 hours ago, Elizabeth Star said:

 

That’s great Liz, what color did she pick? Dominant risk taking Red, or Simple Blue leaving the cashier convinced you’re committed to a guy? 

She picked blue. I just realized I can sympathize with how my wife is feeling. I identify as lesbian and don’t like the hetero  label. My wife, on the other hand is straight but because of me people will just assume she’s a lesbian. 

[Jamie68]

3 hours ago, Elizabeth Star said:

One of my furry kids woke me up at 4am.

 

Spent most of yesterday in downtown Chicago. Wife needed tests done at one of the hospitals. They're still enacting covid protocols so I wasn't allowed to wait with her. I filled out their form with my name an number and we parted ways. I had several hours to kill so I explored the area, again. All together I walked about 4 miles, was exposed to probably hundreds of people and never once did I feel and negativity toward me. I did have a random woman compliment me on my hair, a random guy compliment me on my shirt. Now that I think about it, It was just a standard Nine Inch Nails t-shirt that I cropped. Nothing special about it.

 

On the ride home she checked in with her mother. During the conversation she was switching back and forth between names. One moment it's my dead name, the next it's Liz. I feel she is now putting in a sincere effort. I dropped her off and headed out for some much needed shopping.

 

One of the stops I made was at a tobacco shop. She's committed to quit smoking so asked if I could get her a vape pen while I was out. No problem, happy to. All they had left in stock was red or blue. It's one of those tough little decisions I shouldn't make on my own so I called her. while I was explaining, to my wife, what they had in stock the cashier asks me what flavor nic-juices "he" might like. Wait, the cashier just assumed the person I'm calling baby and dear on the phone is a man? Really? My deductive reasoning says she only saw me as a hetero woman from the moment I entered the shop. I take it as a big win for passing but fail for guessing my sexuality. Maybe in a way they're both wins.

 

I hope it goes well for your wife.

As far as quitting smoking goes, my sister and my son both quit after a lifetime of smoking. They both came down with COPD shortly after. My sister is on oxygen, and my son should be, al least part time. You may want to discuss with your doctor how to avoid this. I'm sorry about bringing negativity into this conversation. It may just be a weakness in my familys genetics that causes COPD.

[Mmindy]

1 hour ago, Elizabeth Star said:

My wife, on the other hand is straight but because of me people will just assume she’s a lesbian. 

My Suzie is straight as well and knows we’re questionable about our relationship as seen by others. She no longer gets upset when we’re addressed as ladies, she looks at me with a slight smile and shakes her head. To the real point of your earlier post. I hope your wife hears positive new from the tests she had done, and is able to quit smoking. We love our spouses and hope they see the better sides of us, as we transition, remaining committed to one another. 
 

Hugs,

 

Mindy??️‍⚧️?

[Ivy]

2 hours ago, Jamie68 said:

I only really figured out who or what I am till after I retired almost 3 years ago.

It was like that for me.  Unfortunately, my marriage tanked before I got to that place.  Fortunately, we are still friends, and she accepts my transition.

[Jackie C.]

20 hours ago, Beatriz said:

I'm booking time with @Jackie C. and @Bri2020's electrolysis technician. Better bang for my buck than my therapist, I'm pretty sure. Take my money!

 

I'm pretty cheap, but you have to work out with me. My group is pretty intense.

 

Hugs!

[Jackie C.]

17 hours ago, Bri2020 said:

As if my mental health needed any more challenges; MY SURGEON JUST QUIT!  They were finally scheduling my consult and he's leaving the Johns Hopkins transgender center and I have to start from scratch. He was the only local one Kaiser covered and they haven't even identified a surgeon to replace him at Hopkins.  I'm -censored- frantic

 

Did he quit quit or just move hospitals? My surgeon did that to me and it means more paperwork, but I'm paying out of pocket anyway. Is he just your boob guy or is he doing something else too? Insurance is kind of a PITA by design, there might be a way to pay out of pocket and get compensated by insurance later if you can float it. Either way, best of luck either replacing or following him.

 

Hugs!

[KymmieL]

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

 

I'm pretty cheap, but you have to work out with me. My group is pretty intense.

 

Hugs!

Jackie, I need to join your group. I need my happy arse beat into shape.

 

Well TGIF for me. The boss is giving me a weekend day off. SO I can spend sometime with the wife. Something that is maybe needed. We will see. I still get this cool feelings from my wife. Of course when I ask. the answer is always nothing. I know it is hard on her, my relationship with our oldest.  But she doesn't have to act as she does. In the back of my mind the "D" is haunting. I know that she would rather me go back to how I was.

 

That ain't gonna happen. I have tasted the forbidden fruit and I like it. Everyone else be damned.

 

Kymmie

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, KymmieL said:

Jackie, I need to join your group. I need my happy arse beat into shape.

 

You're welcome, but I think the commute might be a little much.

 

I'm a firm believer that you should love and support your partner to the best of your ability no matter what. You should lift each other up, not tear each other down. I spent most of yesterday trying to undo the damage my spouse's boss does to her while she's working. I cannot BELEIVE that woman.

Yes, we have a plan for getting her the heck out of there. Just a couple more months and we can execute.

 

OK, so I'm putting myself in your wife's shoes for a minute. They're tight. I have big feet.

Anyway, if I'm not attracted to you anymore because of your gender. So be it. I'll tell you that. There would probably be a divorce. Demisexual or not, I'm just not attracted to 99.9% of men (and I'm probably underselling it, I can think of MAYBE two that I'd consider a threesome with). Being demisexual, I'd probably give it a try because of the feels. If I just can't, then we break it off. I keep things civil and friendly. We're still friends afterwards. You're invited to all the family functions, you're still family, we're just not going to be married and I'm encouraging any family members who are stuck on the gender thing to get over themselves and welcome you with open arms. That's the decent thing to do in my opinion.

I'm not going to hold you back. I'm still going to lift you up, but if I can't come with you as you take flight, I'm going to be the best damn ground crew I can be. What I'm not going to do is be petty and try to tear you down. That's not what people who love each other do.

 

I consider myself very fortunate that my spouse is willing to stick with me, even when my new downstairs still weirds her out a little bit. She's trying and that's all that matters to me.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that yeah, it's hard, but if your wife can't accept you, she doesn't deserve a Kymmie.

 

Hugs!

[Alice_Sybilina]

@Jamie68I feel you in the not being able to talk about it. My parents were very everythingphobic. I still haven't come out and said it to them, but I guess everyone knows now.

 

The hiding just gets to be too much. I kept telling my wife I was trapped and she thought I meant by her and the marriage. No baby, my marriage is my foundation, it's what even allowed me to grow to this point. I was trapped inside myself. And it feels dang good to be free finally. 

[Heather Nicole]

5 hours ago, Elizabeth Star said:

She picked blue. I just realized I can sympathize with how my wife is feeling. I identify as lesbian and don’t like the hetero  label. My wife, on the other hand is straight but because of me people will just assume she’s a lesbian. 

 

It may not be well known, but sexuality doesn't always imply the same type of marriage, even for happy marriages. I know a guy who figured himself out and came out as gay back in the sixties. Doesn't identify as bi or pan, but today he's happily married to a woman. Both are cis. He finds it amusingly ironic. Marriage takes all types.