Good morning All. Coffees on.

[Kara Zor-El]

On 7/15/2021 at 1:22 PM, April-Showers said:

i've read a lot of posts about how difficult or even almost impossible it is for some of your wives to accept you. many of you tell your wives many years later and then have a problem. i may ask a lot of questions that may seem 'well duh' to you but i do try to be objective. when you decided to marry her didn't it occur to you that maybe you should try to explain to her your feelings before the wedding to see what her acceptance would be? maybe you thought being married would somehow 'cure' you of your feelings? i am not criticizing what any of you did and would never do that because we are all different, but wouldn't it have been more fair to her if you had let her know before you married her? or was the love so strong that you had a fear that she wouldn't want to marry you if she knew and you didn't want to chance losing her? it seems to me before you marry someone, if you have something that is so important such as this you'd want to be sure your future spouse was ok with it or at least would know and then be able to decide if they wanted to marry you.  thank you.

 

I don't post publicly very often, mainly just read specific posts and private messages. However I felt the need to throw out my view on this. I don't know you, your age or your story.... for me however, I can't say I have always known. I knew that SOMETHING was wrong, something was different.... though I thought I was just weird. As I got older and into my early teens and found some basic, generic knowledge on the internet, I thought I just had some fetish. Yeah that must be all, I just have a fetish....  I did some light experimenting with clothing and makeup at 15/16 but still had no concept of what it meant to be Transgender. Then when I was 17 I started dating the woman who would become my wife. We almost instantly had the family life and all of my focus was on our relationship, she was a very vanilla person and at the time was confident that my weirdness, my "fetish" could just become an afterthought of the past. Of course I found myself coming back to those thoughts....I still didn't feel right, but how? I had a family?!? What was wrong with me? I needed to figure this out... NO my brain yelled back at me, you need to NOT figure this out and let it fade away into your memories, because you have not only a person that you love, but a child that you love also and looking at these feelings, trying to figuring them out, would be wagering them for something for myself. I don't gamble, like ever, so I sure as heck wasn't going to gamble them just to make myself feel better. We eventually wed, and had more children.....until over 15 years after we had started dating, I finally opened up the box that I had stored all those feelings in, and I took a long and hard look at them. I felt them. I listened to them....that is when I finally accepted myself, when I admitted to myself outloud. Now what? that was over 4 years ago.... I initially started shutting down, I had all these feelings, but it was almost a certainty that it would go horrible wrong, but at the same time I tried and failed repeatedly to put these feelings back in the box, they had inflated as if 16 years of growth were suddenly absorbed. I started thinking about suicide, I was almost completely withdrawn from her and I was crying daily in private. She finally coaxed it out of me and I came clean. It was worse case scenario apart from the fact that she didn't leave/or tell me to leave. Now it's over 3 years later and we are almost still in the same situation. She tolerates me wearing feminine clothing but it's about as far as she's willing to go, She doesn't like women, she wants a man..... My long winded view boils down to if I had a more complete picture of what it was I was feeling back then, I would have avoided getting into the relationship or at least told her at the beginning.....but knowing my beautiful children that I have now, I would never take back or re-do what has happened up to the birth of my last child.

[Ivy]

2 hours ago, Vidanjali said:

I've been less afraid to tell people if it seems a natural segue.

I'm full-time in public.  I'll talk about it to pretty much anyone as long as it's in good faith on their part and not some transphobic BS.

I want people to realize that we're just people and not ogres of some kind.

[April-Showers]

2 hours ago, Lexa83 said:

I don't post publicly very often, mainly just read specific posts and private messages. However I felt the need to throw out my view on this. I don't know you, your age or your story.... for me however, I can't say I have always known. I knew that SOMETHING was wrong, something was different.

thank you for your post. i am sad for what you've been through and it was very enlightening. my life has been a piece of cake compared to yours as far as my identity and being able to live it. i am very lucky. btw...if you'd like to know more about me read my profile. it is short but to the point. thank you so much.

[Kara Zor-El]

1 hour ago, April-Showers said:

thank you for your post. i am sad for what you've been through and it was very enlightening. my life has been a piece of cake compared to yours as far as my identity and being able to live it. i am very lucky. btw...if you'd like to know more about me read my profile. it is short but to the point. thank you so much.

Thank you, It took me a minute but I found the "About Me" tab in your profile, never knew that tab was there before

I'm sure you had your own struggles that affected you just as equally and I want to stress I was not trying to invalidate any of your journey, just wanted to share my opinion on why it's not just a simple matter of just being honest upfront.

[Willow]

Hi @Lexa83  I’m happy to see you open up and tell others your story.  I can’t promise it will fix anything or make you feel better.  But since you haven’t been able to get consistent counseling, this post at least lets you express yourself openly and know that you have lots of friends willing to talk and share.

 

my posting here or to PM you will start getting sketchy.  We start our period of “homelessness” Monday.  Our travels begin after my appointment on Tuesday when I learn about my options and the surgeons requirements.  I’ll PM you about that when I get a chance.

 

Willow

[Ivy]

Was at the farmers mkt.  A guy said it was nice to see me again (I've just started getting out more since the covid things).  Told me I looked good, and added "sir".  Weird…  I mean ?

 

(I haven't been in guy mode in a couple years.)

[Ivy]

I don't know whether to be offended or not.

[Alice_Sybilina]

@Jandii@Jandi try to do the damned, educating people. I feel like a lot of transponder is just people not knowing they already know people who are trans.

 

@Willowhomelessness? I missed something I guess. I would be more than happy to offer you a place for a while but I'm all the way out in Alabama. 

[Jackie C.]

2 hours ago, Jandi said:

Was at the farmers mkt.  A guy said it was nice to see me again (I've just started getting out more since the covid things).  Told me I looked good, and added "sir".  Weird…  I mean ?

 

(I haven't been in guy mode in a couple years.)

 

I'd probably be bemused.

 

Hugs!

[Alice_Sybilina]

@JandiI meant the same thing. Autocorrect, lol.

[Alice_Sybilina]

And it's transphobia, not transponder. Wow this phone! 

[Heather Shay]

@Jandi other than me telling my medical people my name - I don't think I've been called ma'am get and yet it is obvious I've grown cleavage - but even my wife is having a had time remembering the she/her pronouns so I'm being patient.

@AmberMsays there is the 80-10-10 ratio - 80% don't notice - 10% don't care - 10% can be jerks - I think the jerks are probably a lower proportion personally but I don't go out of my way to dress too feminine in my area that is ultra conservative and I guess I'd rather not be noticed then dress too far out as that's not me anyway.

[Alice_Sybilina]

@ShayI go back and forth. I'm flashy, or at least I love to be noticed. But I get so nervous the more feminine I dress in public. 

[Ivy]

I dress fem, but not flashy.  

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, Jandi said:

I dress fem, but not flashy.  

 

That should be plenty. I just wear flannel, a t-shirt and jeans to work (purse stays in the car) and nobody misgenders me. The only time I've been misgendered in recent memory is the guy who sought me out to misgender me and he'd seen me (way) earlier in my transition. He's an ass.

 

The time before that was the PCP I've been seeing since the mid-eighties and he apologizes all over himself when he does it. Force of habit for him. He's used to calling me, "Guy." I subtly correct him and we get on with our visit. Usually by asking, "So, what part of all this screams 'guy' to you?"

 

Hugs!

[April-Showers]

On 7/16/2021 at 2:43 PM, Lexa83 said:

I'm sure you had your own struggles that affected you just as equally and I want to stress I was not trying to invalidate any of your journey, just wanted to share my opinion on why it's not just a simple matter of just being honest upfront

i understand why you posted what you did. it gave me a lot to think about. i really didn't have any what i would call struggles like you have had. i knew from a young age who i was and had understanding parents who also knew. so no comparison can be made between us but it's our differences that make us unique and we can learn from them. thank you. :)  

[Beatriz]

3 hours ago, Jandi said:

I dress fem, but not flashy.  

Hi @Jandi I dressed fem and not flashy last night. I wore heels but not huge ones, a loose dress that reveals nothing and light summer trousers under the dress. I was wearing a bra with forms (first time out with it) and I was wearing my mask, so no issues with my face (which does not pass).

 

It was very late when I ordered a cab to go back home from a friend's place, so it was dark. All in all, I think I passed better than ever before in my life. But... the cab driver received my order through an app with my male name, so he sir'ed me a couple of times - which was totally unnecessary, you don't need to add Sir o Ma'am and gender the heck out of every interaction.

 

Anyway, I didn't say anything in the cab but once at home I resolved that next time it happens I will not ignore it. I won't make a fuss about it, but I'll politely ask not to be Sir'ed, and see how they react. The two times I've been Sir'ed in the last couple of months, I could tell the sarcasm in the word. I can accept honest mistakes or slips, but not passive-aggressive phobia.

[Jamie68]

It's going to be a long next few days. My wife ts having surgery Tuesday. She had to get a COVID test and has to Quarantine hehself till after surgery. If we are in the same room together we both have to wear masks. With my alergies and broncial asthma, I can't wear a mask very long.

[Ivy]

I hope her surgery goes well.

 

3 hours ago, Beatriz said:

you don't need to add Sir o Ma'am and gender the heck out of every interaction.

This.

For some store clerks I'm "Honey" or "Sweetie" which I like.

[Beatriz]

2 hours ago, Jamie68 said:

It's going to be a long next few days. My wife ts having surgery Tuesday. She had to get a COVID test and has to Quarantine hehself till after surgery. If we are in the same room together we both have to wear masks. With my alergies and broncial asthma, I can't wear a mask very long.

Best wishes, @Jamie68 ❤️

[Jamie68]

2 hours ago, Beatriz said:

Best wishes, @Jamie68 ❤️

Thank You

[Aggie1]

Wonderful day at a harvest days festival in a small sw Washington town called battle ground. I was invited to walk in the parade by PFLAG and wore a butterfly cape someone had brought along. I thought it was a PRIDE parade based on the exhibitors and marchers and rainbows! The streets were lined for over a mile with families with elementary kids on up, solid not scattered! lots of waves from a very supportive crowd. Lots of supportive comments. (I have a newfound appreciation for monarch butterflies on their 6000 mile migration between Canada and Mexico! Definitely feeling the after effects of flapping my butterfly suit arms!)

 

I painted a rock for the group to display on the table. Then engaged with visitors for a while. Overall an A+ experience!

[KymmieL]

Today was a good day. My wife might just be starting to accept me more. This morning we were cuddling in bed. She flat out asked me. "Tell me the truth are you taking hormones?"  I say"yes, I am" She doesn't blow up or even get mad. "Maybe that is the reason for your swollen legs."

 

Then as we were getting out boots on for a ride to breakfast this morning. She puts on some lip gloss (I think) Then she hands it to me saying, "I guess I can share this with you."

 

Just after starting our ride. I feel some tugging on my hair. She puts the part not covered by my 3/4 helmet into a pony tail.

 

I would say that the day was a win for me.

 

Hugs,
Kymmie

[Kara Zor-El]

@WillowI look forward to your update and wish you the best during your home to home transition

 

@KymmieLthat sounds absolutely like a win to me. I don't even know what I would do with that kind a turn around.... probably faint lol. Here's hoping to continued spousal acceptance for you.

Hugs

[Guest]

I just want to share some recent experiences and this is the only forum group that has any traction besides  “What Are You Wearing Today”. I’ve been working with my wife and friends at a clothing shop at the Colorado Renaissance Faire. The amount of Transgender brothers and sisters that have come into our shop is staggering. I’m especially impressed by the transgender children who have come is with their parents. I’m full time though I don’t always pass but I don’t care. I’ve had so many positive experiences the past few weeks. Im pretty optimistic about the future. I'm misgendered now and then but nothing spiteful. Our customers allow me to measure them and drape clothing on the no questions asked. The pay is pretty poor but the experience of working there is amazing.