Good morning All. Coffees on.

[Vidanjali]

2 hours ago, AgnesBardsie said:

I did a butterfly a couple of months ago. I’m blown away by these seemingly fragile creatures. I have heard they can migrate from Canada to Mexico, all settling down in the same patch of trees, even returning to the same plant they hatched on, even if they get blown off course. Their life cycle is incredible! Eggs, caterpillar, chrysalis, and butterfly. 
 

you have picked a fascinating hobby!

 

@AgnesBardsie cute rock! The documentary, "Flight of the Butterflies" tells the story of how the monarchs' migration pattern was discovered. It is fascinating. https://m.imdb.com/title/tt2174750/

[KymmieL]

1 hour ago, RhondaS said:

 

 

And got invited to a wedding out of the blue...but on zoom...gay couple but I'm not out to them as far as I know. 

Would be a good time to come out to them.

 

I wonder if the way my wife acted with the HRT helped me. I have been able to sleep in.  Also, I am not going potty as often. 

 

Willow,  I am at the end of the baby boomers.  I think my wife has the same feelings as yours. For me, nowadays who cares.  

 

Kymmie 

[MirandaB]

8 hours ago, KymmieL said:

Would be a good time to come out to them.

My friend kinda dropped a bunch of us back when he figured out he was gay...or couldn't hide it any more. I think he had worries about his father's reaction and maybe just lumped me in with other 'straight' men and thought i couldn't handle it. Years have gone by and it's mostly all been email or facebook chats. I was really bad at keeping friends and now that I want more people in my life I worry that they're all too used to sullen withdrawn old me.

[Bri2020]

Well, I'm not sure if this is progress or not. I've been having to text my wife for almost all communication this week because she's at a business retreat and that's not the best way to talk about real issues but they had to be said.  Not an ideal way to handle things when I spending literally half my waking hours in grief stricken wailing and sobbing. So I finally flat out said to her I couldn't do what she's asking me to do and still be true to myself. I'm simply not wired in a way to be happy with a non monogamous marriage. To do that would be asking me to change /bury/ repress who I am because of what someone else expects of me and after 50 years of doing that gender wise, I wasn't going to do that personality/moral code wise. 

She sat on tht all day and then called me late in the evening. She finally saw what I have been seeing which is that I am not enough for her current thoughts/desires of what she wants in a marriage/relationship (no judgement- she hetero and lost her man)

and that if we are to stay together, which she now recognizes will be immensely difficult, neither one of us is going to get the outcome we dream of.  It's not to say we can't survive, but neither of us can "have it all". 

We both also realized, that being at a business retreat when we are just starting our couples counseling and trying to work through things is not ideal. Trying to comfort each other through facetime and text doesn't work so she is heading home today.

It's going to be a very long day and night I think. 

[Ivy]

I feel for you Bri

When I realized my marriage was imploding I was pretty tore up.   I hope you two can work something out somehow.  Marriage is much more than sex - as you know.

[Jackie C.]

Oh gosh @Bri2020... there are no words.

 

What I do hope for you though is that you both move forward into the lives you want. You booth need to be happy and you both deserve the very best. That's not going to happen if you're holding each other back. I hope you can still be a big part of each other's lives, but that's probably only going to come with time and counseling. At first it's going to hurt, but hopefully you'll reach a point where you can lift each other up again, like dear friends do.

 

Hugs!

[Mmindy]

21 hours ago, Vidanjali said:

 

Oops! Hit submit prematurely by accident. Here are butterfly photos! 

That is beautiful and my subconscious dream of the metamorphosis as I transition. Sometimes I think of the M in Mmindy as Metamorphosis mindy.

 

Thank you again for sharing these beautiful Monarch butterfly pictures

 

Mmindy??️‍??

[Mmindy]

2 hours ago, Bri2020 said:

Trying to comfort each other through facetime and text doesn't work so she is heading home today.

It's going to be a very long day and night I think.

@Bri2020I truly feel your heartache, and want the best for you. FaceTime and Text are not able to express the real emotions, that are felt or realized during a one on one conversation. You know everyone here is wishing you the best and pulling up all the positive energy to send your way.

 

Hugs,

 

Mmindy??️‍??

[Mmindy]

15 hours ago, Willow said:

That’s one thing my wife is most concerned about.  She does NOT want to be have Anyone thinking of her as a lesbian.  That’s perhaps her number one hang-up.  But we are Baby Boomers.  We grew up ultra conservative when it comes to members of the LGBTQI.  Ok be real we were taught the were bad.  Things always change. Certainly better for me now.

@Willow, My Suzie and I are in a similar situation. She always thought she was a supporter of the LGBTQI community until I came out to her, and she's realized the closeness of her commitment. We are working on it.

 

My son, who I'm out to as mtf, had one of his friends see and react to a FaceBook post that my wife made about having our grandsons over for the weekend. He (the friend) who has known me since he joined the city fire department, said;

"I need to get a f*^#n hair cut because, I look like a lesbian!" So I guess it's starting to show, and I may not be able to keep Mmindy hidden.

 

Working to be a better life partner, even if it means we're seen as lesbian.

 

Mindy??️‍??

[Heather Shay]

@mindy

 

[KymmieL]

Shay, that is so true for a lot of us. We need to decide what is best for us.

 

Kymmie

[Mmindy]

On 7/18/2021 at 6:35 AM, Elizabeth Star said:

These days I'm finding things never go as planned. Last week I took my wife in for some testing to see if she can have a procedure that would greatly improve her quality of life. Aside from finding out that no, she not healthy enough the doctor informs us that she now needs a lung transplant. Of course they won't say how bad things really are other than you need to get on the list now. Maybe I'm being selfish. I feel fate, yet again, has found a way to test my resilience as I'm once again I'm being pushed to the background. Things in my life really did look like they were getting better but now I don't know what to think. 

Oh wow Liz, 

 

I’m a live organ donor, having donated my right kidney to my best friend. In doing so, and becoming more acquainted with #DonateLife. I’ve met several people who are recipients of lung, and heart/lung donations. You and your wife are in my daily prayers for the best outcomes. Yes, you are putting yourself on the back burner, but it’s for love and commitment. Your progress doesn’t have to stop, just move at a slower pace. The two of you are in totally different surgery processes, and should be able to progress. 

 

It’s amazing how much we miss on this thread in just a few days.

 

Hugs for you both,

 

Mmindy??️‍⚧️?

[Mmindy]

@ShayI love that meme. I'm not worried about people figuring me out as mtf. I'm old enough now to look at it as their problem not mine. I'm sure I'll be the butt of the joke for many who know me. Again, it's not my problem.

 

Hug,

 

Mmindy??️‍??

[Heather Shay]

@Mmindy That is one of the good things about FINALLY knowing and accepting who you are - knowing acceptance from from within not from without.

[Bri2020]

1 hour ago, Shay said:

@mindy

 

I agree with that but in my current state of affairs, it isn't that I'm not "good enough" but rather, I don't have what she needs anymore.  The love and commitment is there, but by transitioning, I put us up against a four way stop sign. Go straight ahead to a destination neither likes, turn left or right toward one of the other's needs, or get out of the car and start walking in different directions.  The problem is NONE of these options is what we want and there's no turning around.  The reality is at our age, the "sexual" part isn't going to be long lived in either of us assuming we even found someone that we would want to be with. We know we want to be with each other forever in some form of partnership/companionship.  

[Mmindy]

1 hour ago, Bri2020 said:

We know we want to be with each other forever in some form of partnership/companionship.  

Bri, I like the four-way stop analogy, but love the closing statement. My Suzie and I are working through therapy to maintain our partnership/companionship. As for the meme, I see it as how I deal with others outside my family. When it comes to what my wife, children, and extended family expect, that's closer to the heart. I expect my children will always see and call me dad, my older grandchildren will know me a papaw or grandpa. My youngest grandchildren will have an easier time with my pronoun choices, because they're being raised in a house that exposes them to He/Him, She/Her, and They/Them.

 

Best wishes, stay positive, and safe,

 

Mmindy??️‍??

[Davie]

Other people's opinions of me are not my business.

And my own opinion of myself is also not my business.

Opinions are insubstantial and temporary.

I pay attention to rush of my blood

and I hug the moment.

[Ivy]

3 hours ago, Shay said:

@mindy

 

 

3 hours ago, KymmieL said:

Shay, that is so true for a lot of us. We need to decide what is best for us.

It's been about 5yrs since I split with my ex.   (we were together over 40 yrs)

 

On one hand, it freed me from trying to live up to her expectations.  

On the other hand, I still feel guilt for not living up to them.

 

In theory, it was the best for me.  And while she seems to have moved on, (boyfriend etc.) I find it impossible to do so.  I still feel bound to her in my heart.  

 

In some ways I have been able to start over.  I went back and tried to pick up my life from before we were together, at a time when I was dealing with gender issues.  

 

But I was not made to be a hermit.  I need relationship of some kind.  And I don't have that, and see no prospect of it happening.

 

I feel like I should just delete this, but maybe it can illustrate the kind of emotional messes we can get into.

 

1 hour ago, Davie said:

And my own opinion of myself is also not my business.

And yet I have to live with it.

[Confused1]

2 hours ago, Bri2020 said:

The reality is at our age, the "sexual" part isn't going to be long lived in either of us assuming we even found someone that we would want to be with. We know we want to be with each other forever in some form of partnership/companionship.  

 

Bri, I also love the last sentence. It really says it all.

 

Over a year ago, I forever changed my relationship with my wife and somewhat the direction of my immediate family. As some here have already mentioned, My wife isn't lesbian and doesn't want to be. Our options for sex were already limited for more than 3 years before GCS due to cancer. We both want to be with each other in whatever time we have left. It took a little time for her to get there. What that ends up looking like is still evolving, as am I. She is now heterosexual plus me.

 

Hugs,

Mike

[Alice_Sybilina]

@Davie

@Mmindy

@Shaythat's a lesson I keep having to remind myself of.

 

Mmindy, that's how I try to feel, I stopped hiding, from anyone and everyone, I expected a lot more pushback and didn't expect so much support. But I know it's a little easier for me being an Xennial (almost made the deadline for Gen x, but not quite) 

 

@Bri2020I'm so sorry for you. That's the exact position I'm in with my wife. She's working crazy hours to get the extra money for the down payment on the property right ss I have come out and started talking about hrt. I don't know what to do but I know losing her just isn't in the options for me. My heart is truly with you on this.

 

 

[Bri2020]

We may have had a breakthrough today.  A compromise or intermediate solution as such. Still working out how it would or if it would work.  As soon as I came out she put the kibosh on any foray into sex because she didn't want me playing a role I wasn't comfortable with and also she didn't want to "get use to" having sex with my male parts just to have them removed.  I initiated that option in order to try and maintain some intimacy through this process. I don't neccessarily like the idea of using those parts (even if I could get them to work well) but it doesn't feel like a regression for me in transitioning because in a year or so I am getting the surgery.  So I brought it up again and offered to take little blue pills to help with it and be there physically for her if he wanted to try it as a way for her to reconnect with me as a "spouse". Not Bri, not Rick. Just her spouse.  I would tone down my feminine look like earrings and wear a t shirt so boobs are flashing in her face. If needed I could help her with toys so she isn't "self servicing" This way, she might become more comfortable with me and allow some level of bedroom play even post op.  Who knows, it might also crash and burn.

 

I also said I would be cool if she found a BFF who was a guy. Someone to grab happy hour with , watch a movie or just do friends type activities, without me or with.  Basically try and find a great friend or boyfriend without benefits. She does need a male presence in her life in some capacity. I even suggested if I could find someone to dance with, that we go out and learn Salsa or line dancing together but at the end of the night, it's us who go home together.   She really liked this idea.  So we're going to explore that in couples therapy and try and implement it in the coming months. I have a good guy/gay friend who would probably be my dance partner if I asked.  That way there's no worry for her that I might get attached to another girl on these "double dates"

 

In other positive news, I just paid for my BA surgery in full today.  I asked if they could move up the date to something sooner if they have any cancellations or openings and they are going to look into it. Currently scheduled for Sept 13.  My wife supported the request.  She said it's not gonna change things regarding her whether I have A cups or Cs so said get it knocked out as soon as you can.

My life is such a roller coaster.

 

PS; anyone (pre-ops) have experience trying to maintain things while on HRT?

[Heather Shay]

@Jandi I understand. When I went through my divorce (1st wife) I felt so alone and isolated and tried so hard to force having a relationship. Didn't work. When I finally decided to start at ground zero and re-learn and love who I am things got better and a relationship came my way. Tat relationship has lasted 28 years now and has had a rough go of it this past year but I was encouraged recently when we went to therapy together and she said we've been through a lot of SH#T together.

 

Who knows if our relationship will last? No one knows but I have to believe 40 years really hurts. My first moved on quickly but I didn't. The rebuilding took a long time BUT I firmly believe a relationship will find you when you least expect it and it will be worthwhile. In the meantime work on you and enjoy you. For me finally thinking about the commandment that says love your neighbor as yourself. I realized I hadn't loved myself and if you don't love yourself you can't love your neighbor. Once I started loving myself, I drew love to me and I feel you are or will do the same. 

 

Be yourself and show the world and that special person that you are here and ready.

[Alice_Sybilina]

@Shaythat is solid advice. I couldn't have said it better. 

 

@Jandi don't forget, there's many new ways to find someone nowadays. I met my current wife on, of all things, Craigslist. Where there's a heart, there's a way. And you seem to have a big heart girl. 

 

[Willow]

Hi first travel day!  We are a whole 22 miles from our old house. lol.  That’s true, however, we slept in this morning, first time in a long time.  I had a speech therapy appointment today. My therapist feels I’m doing quite well with feminization.  We started working on inflection today.  That was easy for me.  For one thing I lived in Thailand and learned to speak Thai.  That language is all about inflection my feminine voice is getting better and it kind of fun working on it.  
 

Kymmie, I’m fairly early Baby Boomer.  Since the end of WWII was the start.  Then my wife isn’t far behind. 
 

Willow

[Ivy]

1 hour ago, Willow said:

We are a whole 22 miles from our old house. lol.

It's nice to be able to move at your own pace for a change.

What's the hurry anyway?