Good morning All. Coffees on.

[Elizabeth Star]

@Bri2020wow. Just reading that is a lot to process. I’m sure there’s a lot of small details left out so I just can’t imagine what you’re feeling. My heart goes out to you and hope the two of you can come to some sort of a workable agreement. 

[Jackie C.]

I'm sorry @Bri2020. I wish there was more I could say or do, but I'm deeply sorry. It might not seem like it now, but you'll come out the other side stronger and with a partner who wants to be with YOU. You deserve that. Any woman would be lucky to have you.

 

Hugs!

[Aggie1]

@Bri2020so sorry to hear your struggles. I am impressed with how you are handling it though. It reminds me of the serenity prayer. Courage to change the things you can. Serenity to accept those you can’t. And wisdom to know the difference. You are hitting it on all cylinders with this latest turn of events.

[KymmieL]

@Bri2020 Hon, I am sorry that you had to go through all that. I do applaud you for the discrimination call on Kaiser. That is what it is. Total discrimination against us. We are a person above all and have rights as a person.

 

Wow, that was a low blow from your wife. Writing those things, probably knowing it would hurt you. Could that be why she did it. To cause you to become someone you are not, again.

 

Hugs,

 

Kymmie

[Willow]

Good evening everyone

 

Bri, I honestly don’t think too many of us are very far off that point in our married relationship.  I would have to say that within the last few weeks I was throughly expecting something similar.  Our situation is that we haven’t had a pleasing sexlife for years.  Medically on both sides so that’s not the issue.  We can grow old together but that’s really up to her.  If we separated I have no desire to look for anyone else and I doubt she does either.  It would be because she was embarrassed about me..

 

Lauren, I’m glad you had a good time and met someone.  I never cared for the club scene.  

 

I’m getting a pedicure from my 14 year old granddaughter right now.  I wonder what color they will end up.  Ah she chose pink.

 

Willow

[Guest]

I’m sorry for what you’re going through @Bri2020and I applaud your courage. As I write this there is thunder in the distance and as ominous as it sounds it might bring to rain. I hope that this applies to you. Much love to you, your wife, and your family.

[KymmieL]

@Willow I envy you spending time with your granddaughter. I haven't seen mine in over 7 months. Same with my oldest grandson. My oldest son is being a total PITA. About my transition. Saying it is how he was taught when he grew up. I don't ever think I raised him like that.

 

My wife has already told me that she would not seek out any other companionship other than me if the big "D" came. I would be the same. But we are working hard on keeping our relationship.

 

Kymmie

[Bri2020]

9 hours ago, KymmieL said:

@Bri2020 Hon, I am sorry that you had to go through all that. I do applaud you for the discrimination call on Kaiser. That is what it is. Total discrimination against us. We are a person above all and have rights as a person.

 

Wow, that was a low blow from your wife. Writing those things, probably knowing it would hurt you. Could that be why she did it. To cause you to become someone you are not, again.

 

Hugs,

 

Kymmie

The ground rules were mutual. We decided to try being intimate vs her wanting a non monogamous relationship. After a few of those experiences we realized this doesn't work so went back to the ENM concept which I was resistant to.  Basically, how can we navigate a relationship that allows for someone to seek sex outside of us. If you are going to play that game, ground rules and honest conversations are needed.  After going through all that, it became clearer for both of us that she needed more than just a sexual relationship with a man. Given that, it was clear that our "marriage" wouldn't really be a marriage anymore so why pretend to ourselves and our world..  There was nothing malicious about what she wrote. The exercise was to individually write down what we wanted as far as freedoms and constraints on our behavior (assuming I got to the point I wanted to date outside the relationship as well) and then compare notes and develop common rules.  The rules were actually 90% the same. It's just the exercise of writing it down made the real issue very clear.

The flip side is as you all know, she's been my biggest ally. It's clear that our "bond" is ridiculously strong and we truly want the other person to experience the joy of being their true selves. It's just in this case, I can't deny she's a hetero woman who needs a male relationship anymore than I can deny who I am. Asking a partner to be something they are not is not a true partnership.  It's really hard to accept that fact but that's reality.

[Jackie C.]

@Bri2020...

 

I just want to give you a big hug.

 

Hugs!

[Bri2020]

To everyone who has offered me support, love, condolences etc: I love you all and thank you.  I had a nice 24 hour cathartic sobbing and woke up feeling more grounded today.  For the powers that be who both created this board and keep it running: The community of support here literally saves lives, I don't honestly know how deep a hole I MAY have gone down numerous times without having this community.

 

[Bri2020]

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

@Bri2020...

 

I just want to give you a big hug.

 

Hugs!

I'm only a three hour flight- come give me one   I might never let you go. hehe

 

 

[Jamie68]

19 hours ago, Bri2020 said:

Well the last 24 hours has been hell.  Kaiser let me know they weren't going to authorize both my surgeries at once and I have to wait until after my FFS to get authorization for bottom surg.  I blew up. They said they would just 2 weeks ago but now the gatekeeper reversed the decision.  After an hour crying I said fck it and called member service to make a claim of discrimination and denial of appropriate care. The rep ws totally on my side when she heard what they wanted me to go through so hopefully that makes a difference.  In the mean time my second letter referral visit got moved up to Tuesday from late September so thay won't be able to use that as an excuse.  

Skip to the evening and my wife and I had agreed to work out some ground rules to change our relationship to allow for Ethical Non Monogamous status.  Previously she said she just wanted a male friend with benefits and after our failed attempts at rekindling intimacy (both sides unsatisfied with results) I agreed to try.  Once I saw her ground rules it was clear she wanted to build a whole other relationship with someone including going to parties, extended date and seeing that person multiple times a week if it worked out.  All while keeping this from friends and family.  It felt like someone who wanted two families/lives.  I stayed awake all night processing it and came to the conclusion that what she really wants is another relationship with a great man but is to afraid to say the D word.  So this morning after a really good cry I opened up that conversation.  Basically told her "you're staying in this "marriage" out of obligation to me but you know this isn't a marriage anymore right?" "You can't have a double life and be truly married".  

So I handed her back my wedding ring and told her while we may want to grow old together and live together, you want to "Be" with someone else. I completely changed the rules and our situation and you have been an amazing support person who loves me to the core, but I can't ask you to stay when I can't be the person you need". So here we are, both knowing the marriage is done and wondering how do we pick up the pieces and salvage the friendship?  We did agree that we are tabling any legally binding changes in our status and will support the household and each other through my medical transition.  Neither of us can split apart and not struggle right now both financially and emotionally.

Now- I'm off to have my tattoos lasered off....the day just keeps getting better and better.

Wow, Your day sucked. I'm so sory. I hope it gets better for you. Like Willow said, most of us aren't far from your situation. Me included. Hang in there. You're worth it.

[KathyLauren]

It's Saturday, which means espresso with breakfast.  Yay!

 

It is also Pride Day here in Nova Scotia.  We were going to drive down the road a bit to a small town that is holding a Pride parade, to attend that and an environmental protest.  However the gods of Pride parades have conspired against me yet again.  I threw my back out yesterday, and I am in no shape to drive two hours and then be on my feet for the rest of the day. 

 

In 2018, the first year they held it, I wasn't feeling well, so we didn't go.  In 2019, they held the parade an hour early (I mean, who does that??) and it was over by the time we got there.  In 2020, it was cancelled due to covid.  And today, I have a bad back.  Aargh!

 

I have an exercise, taught to me by a chiropractor, that I used to do every night to keep my back healthy.  But I stopped doing it after my GCS, because it put extreme pressure on my vulva.  It still does, though it is not quite so painful now, but I'm going to have to start doing it again.

[Willow]

Good morning

 

well my pedicure ended being a mani/pedi.

 

we had some food escape yesterday.  A bag of crickets meant for a bearded dragon got loose.  My daughter, my wife and I were going all over our oldest granddaughter’s room catching them yesterday. We know we didn’t get them all.  This home is a zoo.  Two bearded dragon lizards, two guinea pigs, two dogs (well three right now with ours) and a hamster.ah the fun of having kids.  I wouldn’t give that up even with all the heartache that goes with it.  Family always meant everything to me even if I didn’t always show it.  Not showing it from time to time was due to stress and depression that I wouldn’t admit to.  
 

life is never easy, I don’t think it was meant to be easy.  We all have some extra difficulties because of our uncommon situation.  Make today and everyday the best you can and don’t dwell on the bad parts, it isn’t worth it.

 

Hugs to everyone 

 

Willow

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, Willow said:

A bag of crickets meant for a bearded dragon got loose.  My daughter, my wife and I were going all over our oldest granddaughter’s room catching them yesterday. We know we didn’t get them all.

 

Oh dear. We have an escapee who is living... SOMEWHERE... in the living room for WEEKS. What is he even EATING? How is it still ALIVE?!? My heart goes out to you and your family. I'm only half joking. That little bug is LOUD.

 

1 hour ago, Bri2020 said:

I'm only a three hour flight- come give me one   I might never let you go. hehe

 

Well you'd have to eventually. We've both got surgery coming up.

 

Hugs!

[KymmieL]

@Bri2020 Sorry, I may have taken that the wrong way. I am glad that you are better today.

 

One question for all you ladies who are married. Do you still wear just a wedding band or have you gone with an engagement ring ,too?

 

Kymmie

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, KymmieL said:

One question for all you ladies who are married. Do you still wear just a wedding band or have you gone with an engagement ring ,too?

 

I actually dropped my old band. We're looing at replacing it with something like this:

 

 

Haven't gotten around to buying it yet though. After my revision/hotel stay is paid off though.

 

It's silver because I absolutely HATE the way gold looks on me BTW. I can wear rose gold or white gold, but yellow gold looks horrible against my skin.

 

Hugs!

[KathyLauren]

1 hour ago, KymmieL said:

One question for all you ladies who are married. Do you still wear just a wedding band or have you gone with an engagement ring ,too?

 

My sweetie gave me an engagement ring with a family history.  It was my uncle's wedding band.  When he died, my aunt had a small diamond added and wore it.  When she died, my mother inherited it.  When my wife and I got married, my mother, having (she thought) no daughters, gave it as a wedding gift to my wife.  Who gave it to me after I transitioned.

[Elizabeth Star]

1 hour ago, KymmieL said:

One question for all you ladies who are married. Do you still wear just a wedding band or have you gone with an engagement ring ,too?

I still have and am wearing my original one. I do like it but would like a women's version. Something alone these lines.

 

 

[Ivy]

Aren't crickets supposed to be good luck?  I mean, this could be a win.

 

My house is not what you could call "tight".  Besides the resident mice and the kitty who seems to be useless at catching them, I have had snakes, possums and raccoons get in at times.  Awhile back I found a snake slithering around in the kitchen.  The cat wouldn't get down off the table for a couple of weeks.  I kinda wanted to get up there with her.

 

I am jealous fo those of you who have managed to keep you marriages somewhat intact.  I still miss my ex, daily. 

2 hours ago, Willow said:

Family always meant everything to me even if I didn’t always show it.

It still does.  I am fortunate that my grown children have been accepting of Jandi.  

[Aggie1]

2 hours ago, Willow said:

Make today and everyday the best you can and don’t dwell on the bad parts, it isn’t worth it.

Truer words…

[Willow]

Hi Ya’ll

 

i wear my wedding band,  and will continue to do so.  After 49 years I don’t know what I’d do without it.  
 

Willow

[Bri2020]

we were wearing ours and we had actually planned on joing to a large jewelry expo this weekend to pick out an engagement ring for me but alas....

Ours were custom made so we a re looking at finding a true goldsmith to melt them down and make some kinda commitment ring for each other if we can figure that out

 

 

[rainflower]

On 8/1/2021 at 10:11 AM, Beatriz said:

@Willow I find the dog thing offensive, it's absolutely insensitive. Female impersonators and drag queens, as far as I know, are respectful people who perform, they're fine to me. I'm not much into what they do, yet I think there might be value in it. Some of them use humor or scandal to question machist, binary and cis mindsets - and that's still necessary.

 

I've been thinking about @Linda Marie, @LusciousTheLock and @rainflower. It's been a while since they last posted. I hope they're OK and look forward to hearing from them.

Wow, wasn't expecting this, that was very sweet. Well, it has really been rocky for me. I spent another week in inpatient as things were getting dark again, but I got what I needed and the right medication finally. I am trying to spend less time online. I am attending alcoholics anonymous meetings due to my troublesome drinking patterns that I just can't shake on my own. The last couple days dysphoria has hit me hard, feeling ugly, like a fake, just overall ridiculous. Yesterday I gutted my Facebook account, deleted every post and photo since I started in early 2020, I plan to just use it for events now. Facebook is a pile and has security issues and is addictive. But, also I was just unhappy with 95% of the pics I posted on there. I don't even have my own picture now, it's just a female Jedi lego minifig. I watched a movie with some friends last night and just didn't feel like talking, I was super self conscious and left early before the movie was done. I cried on the way home. Anyway, thanks for asking, I really appreciate it.

[Willow]

Hi @rainflower  I hope you continue defeating your demons.  I know what it is like to be on the wrong medication, wrong dosage of the right medication and under no professional care just when the bottom falls out.

 

Thanks for your comments.  My issue with drag queens isn’t their comedy routines.  It was the pictures presented on a private Transgender only site advertising their show.  It hit me wrong at the time to see these men with full beards (looking like the preverbal bearded lady of the circus) and everything else over the top (wigs, make up and clothing that no one would ever really wear) advertising to transgender women to come see the show.  I suppose it really annoyed me that someone with permissions on our site, allowed the advertising.  It was taken down right after i complained and hasn’t reappeared even though I understand this particular show comes to town once a month.

 

Good night ladies

 

Willow