Good morning All. Coffees on.

[Ivy]

2 hours ago, Willow said:

 Jandi, I hope all is well there.

It came through here, but ended up being mostly rain.   

[KymmieL]

5 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

I understand people taste like pork. I like pork. So, yummy, yummy people.

 

Hugs!

I heard they taste like chicken. Why does every exotic meat taste like chicken?

 

Couldn't sleep for crap last night. not just being up every two hours using the bathroom. tonight a sleep aid.

 

Hugs, have a great day all.

 

Kymmie

[Linda Marie]

So I'm sitting here today wondering where my future is. I've completed all my obligations, went through

so much hell the past 20 years, and I just can't stop, I'm not complete yet. 

I'm sick of gluing my breast on and tucking myself. I want breast implants, and genital surgery.

My insurance covers it, my wife can't have sex anyway, so what's the problem with me having surgery?

Her!! She feels it is the end and I will leave her. Honestly, that is really how she feels, she told me.

I told her I'm not going anywhere unless she askes me to.

I will have to start over with all the counseling again, get approval and set up surgery date, 1 year of it for my insurance to pay.

I figure why not, not doing much anyway but dreaming and wishing, and all know I'm going to do it anyway, so

here goes, the next round of talks with the spouse. I'm not looking forward to it, but at the same time I am.

I have been using my age as a reason not to go through with it, but now am ready.

[Bri2020]

1 hour ago, Linda Marie said:

 

I figure why not, not doing much anyway but dreaming and wishing, and all know I'm going to do it anyway, so

here goes, the next round of talks with the spouse. I'm not looking forward to it, but at the same time I am.

I have been using my age as a reason not to go through with it, but now am ready.

Just tell her she's not getting rid of you that easy but you have to be you. Figure out a way to reassure her but that you are going to finish transitioning. 

I can't wait for my surgeries, I have a therapy session Monday to start the process/approval for FFS. It's pro forma I believe. My therapist is all on board my plan for all my surgeries.

 

[Bri2020]

A whole lot of stress got taken off my shoulders- The loan for purchasing my office condo came through!!  I can now let that stress go and plan for the future of my business.   I'm not sure if the universe was trying to tell me something, but when we announced it to the staff at work, half the lights in the office shorted out. lol.  I think my old office is just saying F U, I will make you pay for abandoning me. hahaha

[Jackie C.]

Hey @Linda Marie! Well you have to keep moving forward. I mean fish gotta swim, right?

 

A lot of spouses have trouble with the idea that the second we get surgery, we're going to leave them for a man. As if. The only cure I've found is constant reassurance and affection. Honestly on HRT I'm more affectionate anyway.

 

On the surgery front, well, you're supposed to be on HRT for at least two years before breast augmentation and really it's a better idea if you wait five, especially if you're an older gal like me. I'm pretty happy with what nature's giving me though so I'll probably pass on the BA. Nothing against it, I just don't feel like I need it anymore. Also, I'm kind of protective of my breasts now.

 

Hugs!

[Linda Marie]

I've studied all hrt, surgery etc. Been to doctors, and as far as breast, yes, 3 to 5 years on hrt and breast growth reaches

its maximin, so now is the time for implants, well in my case, I already have old man breast, ready for implants, I do not need

anything but money to have breast implants, there is no law on breast implants, it is genital reassignment surgery one needs the 1-2 year walk, depending on surgeon or state, or country. As far as hrt, I've been to my doctor, and recommended not to.

Not because of trans phobia, because of my health.  Also my doctor is gay and has many connections regarding this issue,

He also knows all about me and we have a good time together during our visits.

I have an appointment next week with him, I will address my need to go forward.

I have contacted surgeons,  about this also, so far the ball is in my court.

My insurance was the big kicker. I have FEHP, federal employees health program. 

I have it for life now, and 2 years ago they added sexual reassignment surgery. 

Thank goodness for federal blue cross!!! (If they say 2 years, so be it, I'll save 20-25 thousand out of my pocket)

 

So that is where I'm at right now, I'm back in the ball game. I will update on how my visit went and what is new, and what hasn't changed. So much has changed, so much to re learn. Gosh, I feel alive again. l feel like I have a life again.

I might be in for a rude awaking at the doctors on how the laws have changed, but that is really just par for the course.

 

Anyway I'm very happy to continue my journey, and take what comes, gosh, I've nothing else to do or loose.?

LM.

 

 

 

 

 

[Tasha Marie]

It’s so crazy how all this goes. We know what we want and need, but all we do is question everything. So what I’m saying is we question whether we should transition and we question ourselves because all we do is think about what everybody thinks like our spouses what  our work is going to think what our friends is going to think what the world is going to think so we question  and we question and we question we know what we need why the heck can’t we just do it without worrying about everybody else. With that being said I still do it too and it’s so hard to stop. We need to say screw everybody else and do what we need to do, think about ourselves but that is so hard to do.

[Linda Marie]

1 hour ago, Tasha Marie said:

It’s so crazy how all this goes. We know what we want and need, but all we do is question everything. So what I’m saying is we question whether we should transition and we question ourselves because all we do is think about what everybody thinks like our spouses what  our work is going to think what our friends is going to think what the world is going to think so we question  and we question and we question we know what we need why the heck can’t we just do it without worrying about everybody else. With that being said I still do it too and it’s so hard to stop. We need to say screw everybody else and do what we need to do, think about ourselves but that is so hard to do.

I've never heard this told so true. I too have gave my life to others only to be knocked down again. 

[Ivy]

2 hours ago, Linda Marie said:

I'm sick of gluing my breast on and tucking myself. I want breast implants, and genital surgery.…

…I have been using my age as a reason not to go through with it, but now am ready.

I have thought about these things.  But I don't have the funds for any of it.

And to be honest, HRT has already helped a lot - at least for me.  The boobettes are not that impressive, but quite real at this point.  And they will probably improve with more time.  And I don't want to take a chance on damaging the sensitivity of what I have.

As for "bottom surgery," I haven't really felt the need to tuck myself.  The fact is, while fully functional, it was never all that impressive - and the hormones… well…   I don't like tight clothes anyway, so it's not a problem from that standpoint.  And in my own delusional mind, it already functions basically fem.  I don't have a partner, and there are no prospects for one, so that is not an issue either.

And of course there is the age thing. 

I do understand that the surgeries are important to a lot of us though.

1 hour ago, Linda Marie said:

As far as hrt, I've been to my doctor, and recommended not to.

Not because of trans phobia, because of my health. 

Sounds like your doctor is cool.  That is too bad though.

1 hour ago, Linda Marie said:

My insurance was the big kicker. I have FEHP, federal employees health program. 

I have it for life now, and 2 years ago they added sexual reassignment surgery. 

And this is convenient.

I wonder if the VA will go this way.  If so maybe…

 

1 hour ago, Tasha Marie said:

We need to say screw everybody else and do what we need to do, think about ourselves but that is so hard to do.

This does get complicated.

[Tasha Marie]

Thank you. I know it is so brutal some times. I have helped so many in my life or tried to help, and when we need the help where are they now. The only time they show up is to take us back down. They say it’s all in our head but if it’s just in our head why would we put our selves in this position but we do because it is who we are. 

[Linda Marie]

Think about ourselves, so hard to do.(Tasha Marie)

Powerful words, and yet so true.

I really didn't come here to re live all that. 

I'm starting to cry now. Still I'm glad to live it, I am

who and what I am. Still, I'm an outcast, I'm the freak, and will always be.

Doesn't matter what I've accomplished through out my journey, all they see

is someone to talk about to others, yes we know that, we have feelings also, and

we see. 

So this is the life that others say I chose for myself, I'm here to say I didn't chose this life, it chose me.

Life in the trans lane....what a life, so full of happiness and pain. 

Would I change it, no, I would not be me if I changed my life, I would be someone else.

So here I am, no different than anyone else here, still scared, still hurt, still trudging on.

So what next? Hmmm, next will find me, I'm not hunting for it, just resting up for it. 

LM♥️ 

 

 

 

 

 

[Tasha Marie]

I’m sorry to have brought all that up. I’m just trying to get through and at least talk to all of you. It breaks my heart what we all endure just to have a little happiness. You are not a freak or an outcast and your just like me and everyone else we are different yes it’s just we own it. We are who we are. Love yourself.

[Linda Marie]

OMG, I just posted glue on breast and tucking. I'm so embarrassed. 

Well it is a life some of us live to make things work for us.

I use silicon breast, anatomically correct,  not cheap, they adhere to the chest, won't fall out of the bra.

As far as the bottom part I won't go into that, for those of us who haven't had surgery, we know those tricks already. 

Okay, doing all that to get dressed does in a way make me feel like a freak. But for now it is the best I can do.

So now more of me is exposed here. Gosh what have I gotten myself into again. 

 

I was only to tell jokes, laugh, pretend all is good, put on the smiley face, and I end up spilling portions

of my life. I only hope my life stories help someone feel less alone in what we face as us. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Jani]

5 hours ago, Linda Marie said:

I have been using my age as a reason not to go through with it, but now am ready.

This is not a reason any longer.  You are not too old.  I have two friends that had surgery at 70.  One's wife is very accepting, the other not so much.  

 

I don't believe you need a counselor's approval for breast surgery.  The cost seems to be reasonable also.

3 hours ago, Linda Marie said:

So this is the life that others say I chose for myself, I'm here to say I didn't chose this life, it chose me.

Life in the trans lane....what a life, so full of happiness and pain. 

Yes it can be hard for others to understand, but you (or any of us) are not freaks.  And I wouldn't change anything.  This is me.

 

@Linda Marie Its ok to open up and be honest.  We're all here for each other.  

Hugs, Jani  

[Ivy]

1 hour ago, Jani said:

 I have two friends that had surgery at 70

Out of curiosity, how was their recovery?

[Jackie C.]

6 hours ago, Jandi said:

As for "bottom surgery," I haven't really felt the need to tuck myself.

 

I did NOT read that word as "tuck" the first time through. I may be a little tired.

 

5 hours ago, Linda Marie said:

OMG, I just posted glue on breast and tucking. I'm so embarrassed.

 

What? I totally used those too. Yours are either smaller than mine were or the glue holds better because mine did NOT hold for more than a couple of hours before they were falling off if I wasn't wearing a bra. I can't wear them anymore because my actual chest is WAY too sensitive for those kinds of shenanigans so I donated them to the LGBTQ+ community in Virginia (I have a friend there with lots of connections in the community, I figured they would have better luck finding them a good home than I would). Cheers sisters!

 

So on to other news. A dear friend of mine lost his dad last night. I drove over this morning and kept him company after he got back from the funeral home. I brought fresh pastries because I'm not a sociopath.

We reminisced and went over his dad's pictures from his time in the army. We went over dad's final projects. We played with the cats.

My SC texted and the client cancelled my meet and greet for today so I took him to lunch at his favorite pizza place. We dined in and it was lovely. It was my first dine-in food for a year. I just wish the circumstances were better.

I got him home and tucked in. He hasn't had much sleep in the last week or so. I hope he's resting well. He's got half a pizza and some sweets when he wakes up.

 

Of course my transmission died when I was almost home. I now have forward (3rd gear I think) and reverse (if you've got some upper body strength). I regret nothing, but it's going to make Monday more challenging than I had hoped.

 

Hugs!

[KymmieL]

gez, Jackie. get your mind out of the gutter. mine has to float on by. LOL.

 

Well, Kymmie had a good outing today. Dressed in a pair of nice jeans, my wife's white sweater. Went to my appointments at the VA. Then treated myself to an early dinner at Red Lobster. No one batted an eye. Just walked in standing proud.

 

Kymmie

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, KymmieL said:

gez, Jackie. get your mind out of the gutter. mine has to float on by. LOL.

 

No worries. My mind doesn't take up so much space.

 

I'm glad you got to have a nice outing though. It sounds nice.

 

Hugs!

[Willow]

Good evening

 

I’ll jump in here for a minute.  As for breasts, I have a pair of breast forms that can be adhered but I’ve out grown them.  I did try once to glue them on but my glue is water soluble and it was hot. Needless they didn’t stay put.  Now my boobies aren’t big but they are shape shifting.  
 

personally i don’t mind tucking, but I hate gaffs. Usually things stay put.

 

as for surgery, I don’t see the need.  I have absolutely no desire to find a new mate.  I wouldn’t ever use it so why go through the whole thing.

 

We all have our own plans what works for me won’t work for you.

 

Willow

[Ivy]

Jackie, sorry about your friend's dad.  Loosing a parent does things to your head.

3 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

We dined in and it was lovely. It was my first dine-in food for a year.

When I was at my daughter's this week, we went for Mexican.  That was my first in a year also.  She tempted me with the promise of a margarita.

[MirandaB]

My line is I gave the world 3/4 of my life presenting how they wanted me to, I'll take the last 1/4 for me. 

[Confused1]

9 hours ago, Jandi said:

Out of curiosity, how was their recovery?

 

I've got a friend that had her surgery at age 77 in January. I'm hoping I do as well as she did.

 

Hugs,

Mike

[Heather Nicole]

It's technically Saturday here now, but for me it's still the late tail end of Friday night. It's been...quite a day. My mom spent about a year and a half battling pancreatic cancer, which runs in the family. Today was the day my brother, sister and I were forced to have her put into hospice. A complicated day.

 

Could also use to have the trans trademark self-doubt and impostor syndrome tuned down a notch or two. It's like, you think you've finally figured yourself out, a few times, and then inertia comes along and tells the brain, "Nope, still cis!"

[Jackie C.]

2 hours ago, Heather Nicole said:

It's technically Saturday here now, but for me it's still the late tail end of Friday night. It's been...quite a day. My mom spent about a year and a half battling pancreatic cancer, which runs in the family. Today was the day my brother, sister and I were forced to have her put into hospice. A complicated day.

 

I've been there and it's heartbreaking. I remember when my grandmother was in hospice and I had no idea what to do. I mean I came in every day, helped her eat and read to her but I couldn't help myself from saying stupid things like, "How are you feeling today?" I'd sit and read until she fell asleep and for a while afterwards. I'd take my grandfather to visit. He stayed by her side for as long as they'd let him.

Yeah complicated is a good word. We did everything we could, but it's heart-rending to watch a loved one die.

 

For me the dysphoria wasn't so bad though. Of course I wasn't out of the closet yet, but I was too focused on her to let my own raging pile of issues have a voice for once.

 

My heart is with you sweetie. May her passing be as comfortable as you can make it. May she know that she is loved.

 

Hugs!