Transphobia is making me question everything

[gemmalouise]

I really hope there is a happy place for everyone. 

[Mason26]

4 minutes ago, Birdie said:

I get out as myself everyday. I unfortunately must follow a "dress your gender" policy at the day-centre I attend, but I'm finding ways to be myself there anyways. 💖💃💖

That's great to hear! Never understood "dress your gender" stuff, though, that's dumb. I'm a firm believer that if there's a uniform/dress code, it should be the same for everyone. 

[Mason26]

@gemmalouiseMe too.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

4 minutes ago, Mason26 said:

Never understood "dress your gender" stuff, though, that's dumb. I'm a firm believer that if there's a uniform/dress code, it should be the same for everyone. 

I'm a firm believer in as little dress code as possible.  When I have to wear clothes, its t-shirt and shorts.  About as gender-neutral as it gets.  Even in winter pants and long sleeves are a rare thing for me.  I prefer warm weather.  Most of the time, I try to get away with less fabric.  😏 

[Birdie]

43 minutes ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

I'm a firm believer in as little dress code as possible.  When I have to wear clothes, its t-shirt and shorts.  About as gender-neutral as it gets.  Even in winter pants and long sleeves are a rare thing for me.  I prefer warm weather.  Most of the time, I try to get away with less fabric.  😏 

Well, I'm at the mall in a tank and short-shorts. It's all off the women's rack but androgynous. The only thing that screams "female" is my lip gloss. 

 

I'm still addressed as ma'am!

 

I have found that if I just act like the really me, I'm seen a me. 💃

[Avra]

On 8/22/2023 at 11:32 AM, Mason26 said:

Hello. Sorry if this isn't the right place to post this. I know this is a topic better reserved for a gender therapist, but seeing as that's not an option for me right now, this is the next best option.

I'm an FtM pre-everything adult who's still living at home. The only person I came out to was my mom a few years ago, and I basically re-closeted myself. We haven't talked about it in years, but a lot of the things she said really stuck in my mind. Like "You can't really change your gender, no matter what you look like you'll always be a girl inside." "You were meant to be a girl, you were born this way for a reason."(I'm not really spiritual, so this one doesn't make a lot of sense to me, but I appreciate any spiritual perspectives on this) "Everyone has things they want to change about themselves." And the most confusing one for me: "Your gender is just your private parts."

And it's all those things, especially the last one, that make me wonder if being trans is anything I can really be. (I apologize if this comes across the wrong way. I don't question other trans people the way I question myself. It's something I have to work on.) Like maybe my gender really is nothing more than just being born female. That doesn't stop me from dressing the way I want, talking how I want, etc. Everyone is born with a different type of body, and female just happened to be mine.

So why can't I just be okay with it? Why does it have to feel so wrong? I know deep down those feelings are gender dysphoria. Most doctors agree gender dysphoria is a real medical condition that can be treated with transition. Trans people agree. So why does a voice keep telling me that it's all ridiculous? There's nothing wrong with my body, I'm fairly healthy, I shouldn't be complaining. All women hate their chests at first. Even if you do transition, it won't really change anything.

I guess I'm just looking for different perspectives. I'm sure lots of other trans people have had these thoughts. I think the closet is driving me crazy. Sure, it's cold and dark in here, but it's safe. Thank you in advance for any replies.

Hey, fellow Canadian here!

 

I can tell you that as a born male I can relate to a lot of what you're feeling and while I don't have any easy answers, I do believe that if you can do so safely, being true to yourself is important. I have only talked to a couple people about my feelings and I've regretted the outcome of almost all of them, except my ex who was extremely supportive (we parted ways for other reasons). Staying closeted feels safe, I agree and I'm struggling myself with how to move forward. Recently my mental health has hit a point where it resulted in actions that got me fired from my job, so speaking from experience, it compounds on itself if it doesn't get addressed. It's not as easy as it sounds but you gotta surround yourself with the right people who support you no matter what - sometimes identifying these people is risky. I've gotten in the habit of going out wearing some somewhat feminine clothing and even braiding my hair, because I think braids are super cute, and what I've found is, in Canada at least, the vast majority of people don't care what you wear, and the people that do care generally keep their opinions to themselves. That said, if you're living at home, make sure you have a place to go before doing anything drastic, for your own safety.

 

One thing that I want to address is "Your gender is just your private parts" is absolute bull. Anyone who says this has absolutely no idea what gender - or sex, for that matter - is. They're both very different things and both ridiculously complex. They are both very real and very scientific and are very much not on a binary or even fixed scale. Science backs this up, but ignorant people stuck in tradition will not acknowledge this. I have been paying close attention to info on this since science in general is fascinating to me, however I won't bore you with the details. 😁 🤓

 

Wishing you all the best.

[Mason26]

@awkward-yet-sweet Now that I think of it, I agree with you! There are some situations where a uniform can be helpful (like to find someone who can help you in a store, for example), but in a lot of jobs it doesn't really matter. I especially thought dress codes during the pandemic were dumb.

[Mason26]

@awkward-yet-sweet Oh yeah, and that's very interesting, because I'm the opposite, haha. I prefer dressing in cold weather to hide all the dysphoric parts. And I just like the cold better in general. I'm a true Canadian lol.

[Mason26]

@BirdieSometimes just acting like yourself really is the best way for people to see it. Most strangers you see will barely give it a thought.

[Mason26]

@AvraHey, I haven't seen any other Canadians on here, nice!

 

You're absolutely right. Thanks for sharing a bit of what it's like for you, it's easy to forget I'm not the only one sometimes. It is hard to find supportive people, especially when it's hard to find just people in general (I'm in that "How do I make friends as an adult?" phase). For the most part I'm just living the best I can and taking baby steps until I'm ready.

 

I wear mens clothes, have short hair, and I'm 5'8. I've had a few people call me sir, but most don't gender me at all. I'm not sure if people think I'm a butch lesbian, a trans man, or a teenage boy, but I've never had a problem with strangers, and most people are pretty nice. One time I was looking for jeans and I asked the woman working there where the ones on sale were, and she told me where I could find the men's and the women's without any judgement, so I thought that was nice, haha.

 

And you're definitely right on things not being as simple as male and female. I just need a reminder sometimes. All these comments have been really helpful. Also I don't mind the details, I find the science behind this stuff very interesting as well! I'm always wondering what makes me tick. XD

 

Thanks for your response! And I'm sorry about you losing your job. I'm having a hard time finding a job for similar reasons, it's tough out there. Hope you're doing well.

[awkward-yet-sweet]

@Mason26 I know how some folks are with cold weather.  My GF is Russian...that girl is outside when I want to be inside in front of the fire.  And when I'm outside in summer, she's indoors with the AC turned down and icicles growing on the ceiling 🤣  But you're right that winter gives more clothing options.  In summertime here, most of the girls wear very little, and it is pretty common to see guys (especially teenagers) playing sports shirtless or even just walking around.  A fact I take advantage of as much as possible, since I pass pretty well as a teenage boy.  Wear basketball shorts and throw a ball cap on backwards, nobody gives me a second glance. 

[Birdie]

3 hours ago, awkward-yet-sweet said:

In summertime here, most of the girls wear very little

Sounds like Texas too 

[Heather Shay]

Your inner self knows best. It's scary but to yourself be true - is always a good thing to follow. Your opinion is what's important.

[Charlize]

  Unfortunately transphobia (a relatively recent term) has pushed people with gender issues into the closet for years in many societies.  After Stonewall and other actions when trans folks asserted their valid place in society there has been a crack, but unfortunately only a crack.   The GOP has gotten their duct tape out but fortunately we seem to have sharpened our scissors.

   Any of us can fall back into the closet.  The approval, safety and acceptance of society is important to comfort in our lives.  I can certainly understand the questioning that resistance causes. 

We are fortunate to know we are not alone.  Attacking sites like this, creating anti LGBTQ laws, even burning books  are simply attempt to make us alone.  

I think we have  seen the light .

 Things change!   As an example when i was young women never wore pants!   At that point FTM's felt even more pushback.  Hopefully the future will make it easier to find ourselves.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Mason26]

@awkward-yet-sweetI'm definitely like your girlfriend in that regard, haha. I'm looking forward to fall, the summer here has been insane. It's nice to hear that someone's enjoying it, though. And it's interesting how dysphoria affects everyone so differently.

[Mason26]

@BirdieCanada is sort of weird with this because you'll see some people wearing sweaters in the heat and shorts in the cold lol. But for the most part people dress fairly modestly here.

[Mason26]

@Heather ShayThank you, I appreciate that.

[Mason26]

@CharlizeYou pointing out that transphobia is a relatively new term really struck a chord with me. It was only recently that it even mattered to the general population to create a word to describe what we face. But things have been moving so fast for us in a good direction. It's easy to forget that transphobes are in the minority. And good point about how women could only wear pants very recently! Now it's the norm (where I live anyways).

[Birdie]

7 minutes ago, Mason26 said:

Now it's the norm (where I live anyways).

Here in Texas, I would say over 70% of women wear pants/shorts. Maybe about half the woman wear men's T's as well. 

 

I fit right in wearing my standard tanks and shorts (androgynous). I'll adorn my look with lip gloss, and I'm addressed as ma'am all day. 

 

Of course my feminine features and large breasts I guess are helping in that regard. 

[Birdie]

54 minutes ago, Mason26 said:

it's interesting how dysphoria affects everyone so differently

Exactly!

I found my comfort zone to be rather "androgynous but cute".

Not that I don't own some really nice tops, but those are for special occasions only. 

I'm definitely feminine, but more "tomboyish" to keep myself comfortable in my look. 

I guess being intersex, I needed something in between. 🤔

[Mason26]

@BirdieThat's good to hear you've found your way to be happy. It must be hard figuring it out when you don't fit the strict norms the world has. It's something I struggle with, too. I tend to feel dysphoric when I do things that are deemed "feminine" even when it's something I enjoy. I'm doing my best to get over that. I wouldn't look down on any other man who did those things, so why should I look down on myself?

[gemmalouise]

Maybe tasks should not have genders attached to them.  I mean if I need a wall I lay bricks, if I need to alter cloths, I sew them, if food needs cooking I cook it. If I want to watch the transformers movies or Bridget Jones I watch them.  Do what you need to do or what you want.

[Tilly]

Just want to say what great posts there are on this topic. Loving it, thank you. Really helpful.

 

xx

[Birdie]

4 hours ago, Mason26 said:

It's something I struggle with, too. I tend to feel dysphoric when I do things that are deemed "feminine" even when it's something I enjoy.

You would be surprised to find out how many guys sew, knit, cook, and other things deemed "women's tasks". 

 

It's not really talked about at the bar over drinks, but men enjoy these things too. 

 

I found just acceptance of myself (likes and dislikes) was the only place I could really find myself. 

 

I like the color "pink", but I'm kind of a tomboy. I therefore wear pink button-up blouses that look androgynous. I wear shorts and pants instead of dresses, but I carry a purse. 

 

I cater to myself, and ignore the predetermined standards society has developed. 

 

 

 

[Birdie]

@Mason26, two years ago I was wearing a mullet hairstyle, baggy shirts, and bib overalls to hide my rather large breasts.

I never talked about my love for sewing and designing clothes, or my knitting and cooking. 

 

Those things were "taboo" for someone in "boy-mode". 

 

I spent 45 years of some of the unhappiest years of my life living in "acceptable behavior" for AMAB.

 

Going 45 years braless, and gravity was not kind to me either. 🙄

 

I figured out what I liked, so who I am. I have gone with that as my model. 

 

I will dress up in a cute summer dress if I feel dysphoria coming on, maybe do my makeup. 

Just something to remind me I'm a woman inside. 

 

Besides that, I'm just me everyday. If the world around me doesn't like it, the heck with them. 😉