Transphobia is making me question everything

[Birdie]

2 hours ago, Avra said:

Dress codes, when required, should be unisex

Dress codes should say "modestly dressed" and end with that. They shouldn't have a gender assignment. 

 

I walk (roll in my wheelchair) and men will hold the door open for me and say, "there you go ma'am."

 

I am the person perceived, it doesn't matter what I wear. People perceive me as female. It took lots of work to go in "boy-mode" all those years because I just don't look or act the part. Baggy shirts, bib overalls, and a short mullet haircut wasn't really hiding things. 

 

When I told everyone I was going "girl-mode", they were like, "what took you so long?"

 

As long as all my "equipment" is covered, I think I should be within the boundaries of any dress code out there. 

[Tilly]

2 hours ago, Avra said:

 

Here's one science video that I found particularly interesting on the topic if you're interested:

https://youtu.be/kT0HJkr1jj4?si=6GD9vMFdb2S3pIDx

 

 

 

I found this very useful. 

 

There's a LOT of aspects touched on here in a short space of time.

 

Just one thing to pick out. We don't routinely test chromosomes or hormone levels at birth, nor thereafter. Estrogen and testosterone receptors are an interesting aspect to this and hormones as part of sex (not just gender) are important but rarely raised by the 'anti-woke' brigade. And you almost never hear about genes including swapping out across chromosomes and recessive traits.

 

Anecdotal remark. Even when I was stick-thin as a moderately successful runner, my breasts and nipples were enlarged. Fast forward to when I finally started taking estrogen ... boom. My breasts ballooned in a few weeks. They're now DD cup and still growing. So much so that a research consultant at my hospital asked to take photos because they considered my breast growth to be highly unusual and they wanted to use this in teaching (I consented in fact as I'm quite proud of my breasts ). When, for a brief time, I took testosterone post-orchidectomy, my body decided to convert it to estrogen into female range. Doctors were baffled, although there's a coherent path for T to E conversion through the aromatase. Right now I'm on a very low dose of estrogen and yet my estradiol level is equivalent to a pregnant female's. I have even been getting morning sickness. My medics are once again scratching their heads. But the point here is surely that this is just one of many examples of the complexity of sex, not just gender? If you feel an incongruity between your gender assignment at birth and the person you feel you are, it's probably because somewhere deep inside you that's exactly what your body is telling you for a reason. Whether that's in your chromosomes, hormones, alleles, receptors, recessives, etc. etc.: somewhere in there are one or more genetic bodily imprints that are trying to express themselves. Dysphoria is not just a state of mind. It's a condition of body.

 

 

 

[Birdie]

13 minutes ago, Tilly said:

somewhere in there are one or more genetic bodily imprints that are trying to express themselves. Dysphoria is not just a state of mind. It's a condition of body.

Yes, I have always been intersex AMAB based off of the "external organs" only. 

It wasn't until puberty that my body decided it wanted to go "female", and I was given a couple years of testosterone to "correct the problem". 

 

45 years of "boy-mode" meant hiding rather large curves and such. 

 

Fast forward to a couple years ago and my curves "really blossomed."

 

Pressuring my doctor enough and I finally got the tests that answer the questions. 

 

I have PMDS, I was born with a uterus and fallopian tubes. The extent of my intersex has always been much more than external. Physically I am more woman than I am a man!

 

The 45 years of boy-mode and testosterone treatments should have never happened!

 

Of course my doctor won't admit it, and refuses to give me the letter needed for the courts to change my gender. 🙄

 

So here I sit with my DD's, and very curvy body. Getting addressed as ma'am even dressed androgynous....

With my ID saying: male 😐

[gemmalouise]

I'd love to dress in skirts all year round but its just too cold. I spend most of the time in jeans and heavy winter jerseys as I am permanently cold, I am paranoid about what folk are thinking as they walk past in their shorts and tee-shirts and summer dresses.  I don't think it's paranoia of transphobia, but more a strong feeling that they will think I'm weird, for dressing like its winter in the middle of summer.  When its over 25c I can start to dress more fem, more comfortably, but that's quite rare especially this summer.  My question is why do I care.  Why am I paranoid.  Is it actually latent fear from when I transitioned and when I had a very real fear of transphobia?

 

In actual winter I'll have on three pairs of socks, thermal leggings, Jeans and three jerseys and a coat if outside.  By this time I look ridiculous I am sure.  Hard to feel fem with that lot on.

 

 

[Avra]

11 hours ago, Birdie said:

Dress codes should say "modestly dressed" and end with that. They shouldn't have a gender assignment.

That's what I meant by unisex. I absolutely agree! Dress codes as they are tend to go way beyond that though and I personally think it's so dumb. Not a popular opinion in society though.

[Avra]

11 hours ago, Tilly said:

 

I found this very useful. 

 

There's a LOT of aspects touched on here in a short space of time.

 

Just one thing to pick out. We don't routinely test chromosomes or hormone levels at birth, nor thereafter. Estrogen and testosterone receptors are an interesting aspect to this and hormones as part of sex (not just gender) are important but rarely raised by the 'anti-woke' brigade. And you almost never hear about genes including swapping out across chromosomes and recessive traits.

 

Anecdotal remark. Even when I was stick-thin as a moderately successful runner, my breasts and nipples were enlarged. Fast forward to when I finally started taking estrogen ... boom. My breasts ballooned in a few weeks. They're now DD cup and still growing. So much so that a research consultant at my hospital asked to take photos because they considered my breast growth to be highly unusual and they wanted to use this in teaching (I consented in fact as I'm quite proud of my breasts ). When, for a brief time, I took testosterone post-orchidectomy, my body decided to convert it to estrogen into female range. Doctors were baffled, although there's a coherent path for T to E conversion through the aromatase. Right now I'm on a very low dose of estrogen and yet my estradiol level is equivalent to a pregnant female's. I have even been getting morning sickness. My medics are once again scratching their heads. But the point here is surely that this is just one of many examples of the complexity of sex, not just gender? If you feel an incongruity between your gender assignment at birth and the person you feel you are, it's probably because somewhere deep inside you that's exactly what your body is telling you for a reason. Whether that's in your chromosomes, hormones, alleles, receptors, recessives, etc. etc.: somewhere in there are one or more genetic bodily imprints that are trying to express themselves. Dysphoria is not just a state of mind. It's a condition of body.

 

 

 

That's very interesting. Sounds like a wild ride! I didn't know that T can convert to E, I kinda always thought they were in direct opposition to each other. Learn something new every day! Thanks for sharing your story. 😊

 

And yeah it's true that a lot of the people getting out proverbial pitchforks don't actually know much at all about science. In fact I'd wager the less educated people are, the more likely they'll want to take up pitchforks against anything that challenges their beliefs, instead of approach it rationally. I've shared that exact video with some people who dismissed it as some elaborate conspiracy or scheme.

[Avra]

21 hours ago, Davie said:

Yesterday I went to a picnic with 12 other trans and non-binary folks—everyone free to be. It was euphoric. I felt totally myself, They did, too. I felt so happy I cried with joy to remember it when I got home. I treasure the best things in life. Great friends and family most of all. There is always hope. —Davie

That sounds like a dream! Like I've had actual dreams similar to this.

[Avra]

22 hours ago, Mason26 said:

But looking back, I wonder how much of it was just what I was supposed to like.

I'm sure it's entirely possible that you genuinely like some of those things. Likes and interests can evolve over time and what you like to do doesn't define your gender any more than what you like to wear does. It's about what you feel and who you are at the core of your being. Everything else is just an outward expression of what you're into and what makes you happy. You don't have to fit into society's boxes.

[Ashley0616]

10 hours ago, gemmalouise said:

I'd love to dress in skirts all year round but its just too cold. I spend most of the time in jeans and heavy winter jerseys as I am permanently cold, I am paranoid about what folk are thinking as they walk past in their shorts and tee-shirts and summer dresses.  I don't think it's paranoia of transphobia, but more a strong feeling that they will think I'm weird, for dressing like its winter in the middle of summer.  When its over 25c I can start to dress more fem, more comfortably, but that's quite rare especially this summer.  My question is why do I care.  Why am I paranoid.  Is it actually latent fear from when I transitioned and when I had a very real fear of transphobia?

 

In actual winter I'll have on three pairs of socks, thermal leggings, Jeans and three jerseys and a coat if outside.  By this time I look ridiculous I am sure.  Hard to feel fem with that lot on.

 

 

I think it's more conscious because lets face it there a lot of hate on transgender but I would just stay in public eye since crime is less likely to happen or if it's paranoia because of just how you dress than it's just you. 

[Avra]

21 hours ago, RaineOnYourParade said:

I think the best thing sometimes is to look at yourself in the third person before going and judging yourself. Go, "If I had a friend come to me with this exact issue, how would I react to them?" That's what helps me, at least. 

Wow. That's a powerful perspective. 🥺 🤯

[RaineOnYourParade]

Just now, Avra said:

Wow. That's a powerful perspective. 🥺 🤯

I've found I hold myself to a lot harsher standards than I do literally anyone else so it's a big change in thinking

[Avra]

1 minute ago, RaineOnYourParade said:

I've found I hold myself to a lot harsher standards than I do literally anyone else so it's a big change in thinking

Yeah same. It takes a lot of mental fortitude to look at yourself from that perspective though. I once told myself in the mirror that I looked pretty and then burst into tears because I had never heard that from myself before. Self-deprecation and judgement is so easy but I'm working on it.

[RaineOnYourParade]

Just now, Avra said:

Yeah same. It takes a lot of mental fortitude to look at yourself from that perspective though. I once told myself in the mirror that I looked pretty and then burst into tears because I had never heard that from myself before. Self-deprecation and judgement is so easy but I'm working on it.

It's difficult for sure. I honestly can't look in the mirror and tell myself I look even decent, even though there are people that tell me otherwise. Brain be like: Yes but they are liars! Sneaky little Hobbitses! (Exposed my inner nerd there hehehe) 

 

I'd like to think I've gotten a bit better at it, at least while looking inward, but it's a process.

[Avra]

12 minutes ago, Avra said:

I'm sure it's entirely possible that you genuinely like some of those things.

@Mason26 Meant to say "liked" - past tense, just to clarify. The following sentence should clarify that further.

[Avra]

2 minutes ago, RaineOnYourParade said:

It's difficult for sure. I honestly can't look in the mirror and tell myself I look even decent, even though there are people that tell me otherwise. Brain be like: Yes but they are liars! Sneaky little Hobbitses! (Exposed my inner nerd there hehehe) 

 

I'd like to think I've gotten a bit better at it, at least while looking inward, but it's a process.

Haha, love it. But yeah, it's very hard to believe anyone likes you when you don't even like yourself is what I've found. Moving more towards who I want to be has helped but it's a difficult journey.

[Ashley0616]

5 minutes ago, Avra said:

Yeah same. It takes a lot of mental fortitude to look at yourself from that perspective though. I once told myself in the mirror that I looked pretty and then burst into tears because I had never heard that from myself before. Self-deprecation and judgement is so easy but I'm working on it.

Unfortunately we are typically our worse critics except for a few times. Once I thought I looked good and at church someone said I think I can get your advice have you been to a drag show? I never felt so crappy and wanted to cry so hard but I just couldn't. I guess internally I have dealt with so much death that sometimes that doesn't even make me cry. 

[RaineOnYourParade]

3 minutes ago, Avra said:

Haha, love it. But yeah, it's very hard to believe anyone likes you when you don't even like yourself is what I've found. Moving more towards who I want to be has helped but it's a difficult journey.

[you need] Indeed.

 

(I'm sorry I've watched too many ads lol)

 

I can't really remember a time with good self-esteem so it's really a life-long journey for me personally and some others who have had esteem struggles for a long time. It's like Harry Potter being a destined wizard his entire life except a lot less exciting.

 

One step at a time

[Avra]

2 minutes ago, Ashley0616 said:

Unfortunately we are typically our worse critics except for a few times. Once I thought I looked good and at church someone said I think I can get your advice have you been to a drag show? I never felt so crappy and wanted to cry so hard but I just couldn't. I guess internally I have dealt with so much death that sometimes that doesn't even make me cry. 

I can relate. A while back I messed around with painting my nails and a coworker asked if I do drag at night. I laughed it off because what else can you do but inside it didn't feel nice. Not that I have anything against drag queens -you do you, but it was clear he was trying to make a jab at my style choices by what he said.

[RaineOnYourParade]

7 minutes ago, Ashley0616 said:

Unfortunately we are typically our worse critics except for a few times. Once I thought I looked good and at church someone said I think I can get your advice have you been to a drag show? I never felt so crappy and wanted to cry so hard but I just couldn't. I guess internally I have dealt with so much death that sometimes that doesn't even make me cry. 

Man, that sucks. Can't count the amount of times I've been told I look like a basic lesbian -- which I mean, they aren't exactly wrong, but still stings. Am man. Wrong gender, ma'am/sir. (Wrong sexuality too, but hey, whatever)

 

People really just have no filter sometimes. Can relate to the things not making me cry too, although for different reasons.

[Birdie]

34 minutes ago, RaineOnYourParade said:

It's difficult for sure. I honestly can't look in the mirror and tell myself I look even decent, even though there are people that tell me otherwise. Brain be like: Yes but they are liars

OMG, this is me!

I'm like.... Are they looking at what I see?

[RaineOnYourParade]

Just now, Birdie said:

OMG, this is me!

I'm like.... Are they looking at what I see?

Pretty sure when I look at myself I'm just looking into an alternate reality at this point.

[Birdie]

48 minutes ago, RaineOnYourParade said:

Can't count the amount of times I've been told I look like a basic lesbian

Depends on how I dress, but with my hair growing out again it's much less. 

It happened all the time when I was wearing a mullet. 

[RaineOnYourParade]

Just now, Birdie said:

Depends on how I dress, but with my hair growing out again it's much less. 

It happened all the time when I was wearing a mullet. 

Whenever people say it, I just think of an action figure or doll where it doesn't come with anything and of course, being a kid, you need the six hundred not included accessories lol

[Mason26]

On 8/28/2023 at 9:30 PM, RaineOnYourParade said:

Bill Cipher was my role model- I'm a messed up human now for a reason lol

Well what trans person wouldn't rather be a genderless triangle instead of their AGAB?

[RaineOnYourParade]

4 minutes ago, Mason26 said:

Well what trans person wouldn't rather be a genderless triangle instead of their AGAB?

"All right, listen up, you one-lifespan, three-dimensional, five-sense skin puppets!"