A Place To Say Something

[Guest Sarah Faith]

Its 9pm here, and I just realised something. Today is a very special day. Today is my birth day, the day Tamar was born. I am now 1 year old. . Happy birth day to me. .

I'm so happy. I never dreamed this day would come.

lol nice Tamar Happy Birthday hon.

Hugs,

Sarah

[Guest Bellexia]

Its 9pm here, and I just realised something. Today is a very special day. Today is my birth day, the day Tamar was born. I am now 1 year old. . Happy birth day to me. .

I'm so happy. I never dreamed this day would come.

Happy bday hun

Hope it's a good one. Like a really good one, like getting that snes on christmas when i was 7.

[Guest Jaques]

Well happy birthday Tamar

[Guest Bellexia]

A friend helped me last night, another fled. It helped me see something truly important. 1.Only I can prevent forest fires and 2. I need to shape up. In more ways than 2. Thank you mysterious friend. So from now on, I won't be suicidal, I will focus all that in my art, and furthermore I think I will start my comic back up. Oh and poetry, expect some very scary poetry from me. You will all be so scared, you void your bladders in fear >=3 <3 but seriously, thank you my friend. (I don't mention names cause I'm a bad name to have on a resume lol) Crap sucks, it gets better. It gets crappy again, but that is the sea of life, the turbulence we face in waves is not permanent, eventually we find that dry land and make our homes on it.

[Guest Tamar]

Bellexia, I am so happy to read that. Let the masterpiece that is you continue to form. Hugs.

[Guest ClareJuliette]

Happy (belated) birthday to Tamar. That's a good idea - I must work out the date on which I first recognised myself in a mirror. That's as good a date as any and was the point of no return on this walk into becoming the girl I already really am.

Yesterday I came out to an honest to goodness someone who I see in real life friend. For the first time. (apart from my fantastic wife) As suspected, she's great about it and is making me a tie-die skirt. She'll have told her husband but it will go no further and the furthest his judging might go is to tell me I'm daft for not telling him sooner.

Yesterday I met a lovely trans woman at a church I visited. A shame I'm on holiday and won't be meeting her regularly, or others at that church which is among the most welcoming in Britain and at which I can be me rather than male. (luckily there's a similar church back at home) We'll always have facebook!

On Saturday I learned how horrible it can feel wanting to be me and not being able to. I cried so much but it's OK. These tears arise because I love myself whereas most other tears in the last thirty years arose because I couldn't love myself.

This weekend I analysed the reasons why the old male persona (who is now just a mask rather than a usurping, ruling, dungeon keeper) was so fervent in his Christianity and wonder whether those reasons make sense to me now I am so firmly me in my mind. I'm young, I've not lived free before and realise I need to find my own spiritual paths in a new life. Maybe that's still Christianity but I don't know and would need to find reasons to embrace it as wonderful young me not as grumpy, self deprecating, control freak him.

This thread is a place to say something. Sorry for saying several things instead!

[Guest Tamar]

Lol. Congratulations Claire on finding YOU! Live free my sister. <3.

Thank you all for your "birthday"wishes, may you all have that special day to fondly recall every year. The day that "something" happened, and you were "born again",to live a new life. As the real you.

Anyhoo, the reason I have returned to this thread (yet again ) is to share the news that my appointment letter for the surgeon arrived in the mail today. I am seeing him on the 30th of August.

I feel I should be doing cartwheels or something, but everything feels quite normal, like this is just right, and how it is supposed to be. Other than that, nothing.

Quite strange really.

Love to all.

[Guest Bellexia]

That's so sad cynthia :c I'm sorry for your loss. :c It's terrible when family turns upon us like that as soon as the glue that holds that relationship passes :C My dad was like that, as soon as he died the family wanted nothing to do with us until recently.

Speaking of...

My grandpa who is extremely homophobic, racist and stuff wants to add me as a friend on FB. What do LP?

[Guest ClareJuliette]

everything feels quite normal, like this is just right, and how it is supposed to be.

Well Amen to that and Hallelujah! (or substitute words relevant to whichever faith or none-specific you follow)

It's good to be calm and content in the rightness of all this.

[Cyndee]

That's so sad cynthia :c I'm sorry for your loss. :c It's terrible when family turns upon us like that as soon as the glue that holds that relationship passes :C My dad was like that, as soon as he died the family wanted nothing to do with us until recently.

Speaking of...

My grandpa who is extremely homophobic, racist and stuff wants to add me as a friend on FB. What do LP?

Sorry for your loss Bellexia, it's interesting how out of tragedy comes hope and understanding.

Hugs

C -

[Guest Tamar]

I'm sorry for your loss Cynthia. Hugs.

Bellexia, your situation may be different, but I have kept my sole remaining family member who hasn't turned against me off my facebook, cause I know they all talk to each other. If they truly knew what I was doing, I honestly think my father would try and have me committed. Its more peaceful this way.

[Guest Bellexia]

Well tamar, I had a long talk with my mom about him. She says that he is genuinely trying, he's in so much pain that he just wants to spend his remaining time with his family. I've always been one for second, third even 4th and 5th chances.

[Guest Tamar]

Well that definately puts a new consideration into the equation.

Bless your forgiving heart.

I wish you well whatever you decide.

[Guest Bellexia]

I am lonely to the point it's killing me. I hate this. Everyone says you don't need another person to be happy. What a load of mental/verbal excrement. I am ready to just walk down the street, get in the first car who lets me in and just let happen what will happen.

[Guest -guest-]

I am ready to just walk down the street, get in the first car who lets me in and just let happen what will happen.

I hope you weren't being serious when you wrote that. No state of loneliness is worth risking your life over.

One of the simplest ways to draw people to you is to discover what you enjoy most and do it with enthusiasm.

Happiness is a magnet.

[Cyndee]

I am ready to just walk down the street, get in the first car who lets me in and just let happen what will happen.

I hope you weren't being serious when you wrote that. No state of loneliness is worth risking your life over.

One of the simplest ways to draw people to you is to discover what you enjoy most and do it with enthusiasm.

Happiness is a magnet.

Right on Kay !! It's so true....

[Guest Bellexia]

I am ready to just walk down the street, get in the first car who lets me in and just let happen what will happen.

I hope you weren't being serious when you wrote that. No state of loneliness is worth risking your life over.

One of the simplest ways to draw people to you is to discover what you enjoy most and do it with enthusiasm.

Happiness is a magnet.

deadly serious. What's the point though. I will just sit here like I always do and wait...

[Guest -guest-]

I will just sit here like I always do and wait...

Maybe it's part of being old, but I don't have the patience to wait for something to happen.

I need to figure out what steps might produce the results I want and then do something - anything - to get

the process moving. I hate inertia.

[Guest LauraJen]

Well, I have been at home for four weeks now post-university and have definitely been feeling the effects of being back under my mum's roof. The only way out of this is landing a job in the city so that I can move away again. This is going to take some time and I have been having some really great talks with my dad recently - yesterday he emphasised the importance of taking steps to make myself feel better.

So I am taking his comments on board. I have been operating on a "look but don't touch" policy with clothes recently, where I will sit and look at clothes sites but never actually buy anything because I didn't want to acquire anything else until I am gone and save my money for a very large shopping spree to rebuild my collection after last year's purge. I decided to forget about that on this occasion and I have a package arriving at my dad's tomorrow. The last time I bought any female clothes was in March last year, about 15 months ago, so I was *long* overdue for some retail therapy. The package contains several things including some new pairs of shoes, bringing my total up to five pairs. I have been wanting new things for a while now so this should go some way to getting over the bumps between now and when I gain my independence, so it is definitely money well spent.

I have been in a dark place recently with all this and having my dad on my side has helped me massively, although I have often questioned whether one good parent really is better than having two bad ones. I am stuck in limbo all the time by dad being supportive and mum not - if they were both bad I think it would have been easier to turn my back on them and go my own way. He has learned a lot about what I am going through at the moment, which i think is good, because it is making him realise just how much of an issue it is, and that I feel as if I don't want to let any more of my life pass by without doing something about transition.

[Charlize]

I'm glad you are getting some support and at least a place to stay. A job will come and things will open up for you in time. try to accept today for what it is as that always makes things better in the long run. Happiness doesn't come from getting everything we want but in learning to enjoy what we've got.

Hugs,

Charlie

[Guest LauraJen]

Thanks Charlie. I'm generally really pleased with what I got myself, as well.

On a negative note though, mum coming home from work has signalled the arrival of the weekend. I really hate weekends :-( all because my parents are around me so much... the results of my mini shopping spree are locked away in a box now, they will be safe as long as they remain there. But I am getting so sick of this... I don't want to say when I have made an application for something, but let's just say I will be making some very soon. I just really need that independence because I have had enough of being stuck under this roof. I am grateful for at least having somewhere to stay, but unfortunately the good news doesn't really go much further.

[Guest Tamar]

Third round of facial laser done and dusted. Thank you Angel. .

[Guest ClareJuliette]

I have two facebook accounts (as male I was raises as, and as female that I am) and just used the wrong one to respond to my mother. Who doesn't know about me. Or didn't.

Stressed now. I do not feel at all ready or prepared for dealing with this.

(swear words deleted) (more swear words deleted) (and more) Aaarrgh.

[Guest Bellexia]

I have two facebook accounts (as male I was raises as, and as female that I am) and just used the wrong one to respond to my mother. Who doesn't know about me. Or didn't.

Stressed now. I do not feel at all ready or prepared for dealing with this.

(swear words deleted) (more swear words deleted) (and more) Aaarrgh.

Hey well that's one problem solved.

Today an experiment, see how long I can go without food! Sciencing it up in this bish.

[Guest ClareJuliette]

I got away with it. Either my mother doesn't get automatic emails and I deleted my error in time or she's very thick or so much in denial that she couldn't see that a very obvious message from a woman on facebook saying not to buy her any more men's clothes at car boot sales (except a couple of brands I quite like) might mean something.

I'm half pleased and half sorry not to have got it over with. Because now I will still have to cross dress as a man when I'm there for a few weeks soon. And right now that's painful.