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Coming Out

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A place to discuss coming out to family, friends, and co-workers.

1,300 topics in this forum

  1. Coming Out Letters 1 2 3 4

    • 82 replies
    • 23 replies
  2. Wanting to come out

    • 6 replies
  3. Coming out at school...

    • 6 replies
  4. Mates, I came out

    • 21 replies
  5. Transphobic people

    • 8 replies
  6. name change at school

    • 3 replies
  7. My Bio Mom and Step Dad

    • 3 replies
  8. School ughhh

    • 6 replies
  9. my parents

    • 5 replies
    • 5 replies
  10. Transitioning before coming out?

    • 8 replies
  11. I’m only out to one parent

    • 2 replies
  12. My coming out has stalled...

    • 5 replies
  13. Sent a letter to my mother...

    • 23 replies
  14. Yes. No. Maybe. I dont know..... 1 2

    • 41 replies
    • 4 replies
  15. Outing myself at school

    • 1 reply
  16. I just hit Send... OMG OMG OMG!!!! 1 2

    • 46 replies
  17. I need to tell someone but who?

    • 9 replies
  18. Getting the courage to come out

    • 3 replies
  19. Positive tipping point

    • 3 replies
  20. I almost came out yesterday

    • 2 replies
  21. I Feel Ready.....But I Cant

    • 1 reply
  22. Came out to my wife 1 2

    • 25 replies
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    • Kitty
      When i put on guys clothes im sorta like another version of myself thats always been there but i rarley act like. when i wear guys clothes im more confident, i feel tough and there even is a kid who is scared of me cuz i tell him not to mess with me.
    • Damien Mcknight
      If they’re saying that, then they obviously don’t actually support you. Also, if you’re not an adult yet (I have no idea) they don’t want you to jump ahead too early. But that’s no excuse for them to say stuff like that.
    • Christian S
      I have told my family that I am transitioning, but when I told some of them that I also plan to get my name and gender legally changed they told me not to do it because I am female no matter what I identify as.   What do I do about this? This has seriously hurt me even though they said they support my choices but at the same time they don't.
    • Tariane90
      Thank you ShawnaLeigh for sharing that! I appreciate all the support I can get and I will definitely participate and post more. 
    • Aidan5
      This is really good advice, that's how I did it in my school. Well, I told the teachers as well and eventually all the kids just assumed I was an actual guy haha. 
    • A. Dillon
      When I came out at school, I only had support. I am having trouble with this myself, as i am not a very extroverted person in the first place, but it can really help your relationships. I would start small, though; get a base of people who love and support you, and nothing can get in your way.
    • Jani
      I think you need to slow down and take a few deep breaths.  If your marriage and family are important to you, and they seem to be, then look at how you can satisfy your internal demands with that of remaining in your marriage and family.  I will offer this, that there are plenty of people who do not socially transition because their work is too appealing or their family is too important.  Only you know the answer but you need to sit and have a good discussion with a therapist.  Then you need to sit and talk with your wife.  I believe you might be able to work out a compromise where you are both satisfied.  Its not easy Kymmie but you can make this work.     Jani
    • Jani
      Hello and welcome to the forum.  Thanks for being understanding.     If she is not, I recommend connecting with a Gender Therapist (LMHC Counselor) to help her sort things out.  While many think this is something they can do (I did, but it didn't work out), a GT can be invaluable.  Mine was great.  She says she doesn't think she wants to transition but this isn't something to be concerned with quite yet.  Once she comes to terms with her gender identity, then the time will come to make choices about what to do to live a happier life.  Does it mean finding a different mindset?  Does it mean going on low dose testosterone?  I don't know and she won't either until she can settle into an idea of "who" she is inside.  Until then listen, be kind and give her some room to explore.   If she is up for it she can also join here to connect with others going through the same changes.   Jani
    • KymmieL
      I have learned that NB. Tammy that is good to know. With the discussion we had tonight.As I have said I had looked into  trading our explorer on a 06 Jeep Wrangler. With trading 2 vehicles in. We got approved. The discussion started do we want another payment. I told her that I didn't care either way. Then it wound up talking about moving. That if I found a job else were we would move and why haven't I looked for a job in a warmer place. Since I have a phobia about bad winter roads.   I had mentioned that Speedway motors in Lincoln was looking for customer service reps. She asked if I put in for it. I told her no. then why did I look at it. I told her that she liked it here and wouldn't want to move. However in the back of my mind, I am thinking that I am just waiting for the weather to get warmer than look into that position in Springfield. And I would be doing more of my transition.   I still have told her that if  I am still considering my transition to female. Thus getting the big D and I would be moving away. I don't know what her thinking is if the D happens. Does she think I am just going to stay here. Going nuts when I see her. Then really flipping if I see her with anyone else.   I am so confused right now. I can barely think straight.   Kymmie
    • ShawnaLeigh
      I agree. Let the teachers and facility know before you tell the masses.  They will.  Or should.  Have your back.   Good Luck
    • covercrops
      First of all, I am brand new here, so I apologize if I break any forum rules or mess up the preferred nomenclature here. This is probably going to be fairly long. It is also going to be very frank. I do hope that I do not say anything ignorant of offensive, but if I do, please call it out and let me know. Now more than ever I need to be on my "A Game."   My AFAB fiancé has just revealed to me that she is going through a gender identity crisis. I am going to continue to use female pronouns for her in this post, as she is still figuring this out and doesn't want to change that. I will refer to her as Hannah.I am a cisgender straight male, and I am scared. Trans issues and social justice issues in general are things that I have always been very invested in, so in many ways I feel well-equipped to deal with many aspects of this, but I am terrified of of the reality that this could one day result in me losing my partner.    So, the background:   My fiancé and I have been together for 9 years. Our relationship has always been... I mean as close to perfect as I think a relationship can be. We don't yell at each other. When there's something wrong, we talk to each other. We are always receptive to each others needs, and we are always willing to change ourselves and our behavior for each other. We are deeply in love with each other, and we have always been absolute teammates. We are truly partners in life. We support each other in everything we do, and our lives are deeply intertwined. We have worked together professionally (she actually became my supervisor for some time, about 5 years into our relationship), and we've been through all kinds of life transitions and changes together. Everything life has thrown at us, we have taken on together and came out stronger. We've always been each other's constant. No matter what changes happen, we always have evolved together. The *only* problem in our relationship - and it is significant, I don't mean to downplay it - is our sexual compatibility. I am very low libido, and she has always been pretty high libido. It is something that we have worked on, and continue to work on, together. It has never been a deal breaker, but it is something that I carry guilt over. But I don't want this to be about that.   So, Hannah has been struggling with depression. She always has had depression, but these last 3 years or so have been particularly rough. Her self-confidence has plummeted in many ways, and it's been hard. It's been hard, but it's been manageable. I don't love her any less. The other day, Hannah came out to me as struggling with her gender identity, and I imagine this is likely a strong link to the depression. From my understanding of our conversation, she is still trying to figure this all out. She's not sure where she fits in, but genderfluid has maybe been the best description she has found thus far.   With that said, she has expressed to me that she has days where she feels utterly trapped and hopeless in her body. I've dealt with some existential anxiety in the past that has some similar symptoms/feelings, so I feel like in a way I understand how terrible this feeling can be. This feeling of being absolutely trapped, and having nothing in your control to help it or fix it, or not knowing what you can possibly do to feel better. This feeling of utter hopelessness. This feeling of being trapped in an existence that you don't want, but cannot control. I'm not trying to equate my experience, just that I am sympathetic to this feeling. Anyway, she has expressed body dysphoria. She explained there are days she feels horrible in her body and with her appearance. She explained it like... she feels like she was put in the wrong body, and she's trapped - her "real" body doesn't exist. On those days she may dress down. On those days she may not like her breasts being touched. On those days she doesn't like hearing gendered compliments. Not necessarily pronoun-related, but things that remind her that she is in a woman's body. She also explained that there are days where she feels great in her body. And there are days she feels nothing. So she is thinking that she may be genderfluid, but she has only begun exploring this and she is really unsure of what any of this means. It is something she thinks she has felt all her life, but is only now truly confronting the reality of it.    So... I'm terrified. I am a straight male, and the body dysphoria is horrifying me. I don't know if I would be capable of being in a relationship with a man. There are many scenarios that I know we can work through. If there are days that she doesn't want to be touched in certain places, or she doesn't want to be called certain names or titles, or she *does* want to be called certain names or titles, we can do that together. There are so many scenarios where our relationship moves forward, and even gets stronger. I am prepared to support her. I am prepared to fight for her and help her through this. I am prepared to be by her side through whatever comes - through coming out and helping her family and friends understand this. I am prepared for her to not understand what she wants or needs. I am prepared to experiment and discover what she needs. I am prepared for growing pains through this. I am prepared for her to be frustrated at times. I am prepared for her to be depressed and confused and scared. I am prepared to make mistakes and hurt her and work through them. I am prepared to work on this. We will both have to. I want to do absolutely everything we can to make this work. I am prepared to be absolutely supportive through all of this for her, because I know what she is going through is far more terrifying than what I am. I have the privilege of my identity. I know she is dealing with the same fears I am, plus her gender on top of this. I am so proud of her for sharing this with me, and I am ready to go through all of this change with her. We have not found a challenge we could not take on together yet.   There is not a version of Hannah that I have seen yet that I haven't been absolutely in love with. No matter what she has gone through, I have 100% loved her all the same, every single day. I mean that very strongly. I say this to mean, if there have been time periods where she has been struggling with her gender and I just didn't realize - times where she didn't want her breasts touched during sex or no sex at all, or times where she dressed more masculine, or whatever else I may have wrongly attributed to her depression when it was actually gender/body dysphoria - I have never loved her less in those days. So, if that's all this becomes, I'm happy. I am prepared for more of that, and I'm prepared for it to be more extreme, but... I don't know where my limit is. I know I cannot see myself in a relationship with a man, I just don't know how masculine I can tolerate. I can adjust pronouns and adapt to most surface appearance things. I can adapt to a lot. But there is a limit... somewhere. I'm not sure where that is, but I'm also not sure where she wants to go - and neither is she.   My fear is that what is actually happening is that she is coming to terms with her true gender identity. She told me that she truly doesn't think she wants to transition, and that she doesn't even think it would help. But she also said that there are times she has fantasized about having a male body; she's not totally sure that this fantasy felt good to think about, but it might have. I'm just worried that this current stage of genderfluidity is a stepping stone (and I am so sorry if that is an ignorant thing to think) in becoming more comfortable and confident with what she isn't strong enough to confront yet - that she is a man. But right now on a day-to-day basis she is still... Hannah. I just cannot lose her. She is everything to me. I cant picture my life without her, and I'm so scared. I'm so scared of what this can mean for us. But she needs to do what is right for her. If she realized that she needs to transition, I cannot hold her back from that. It just wouldn't be fair. It isn't fair to ask her to live her entire existence as someone she isn't. It sounds like hell. I cannot ask her to live in hell for me. I cannot ask her to live in hell for us.   But that prospect somehow feels worse than a breakup, because it's possible that the Hannah I know will be gone forever. It feels like a death. And even worse, she may still love me... and there will be so much that I still love about her... and that just makes it worse. I don't think I would be able to cope with being her friend. I couldn't handle being reminded of who she used to be and who WE used to be.   I know I'm jumping the gun. This is all reactionary, as she only revealed this to me a night ago. I'm just... spiraling right now. I'm just so scared of losing her. What we have is so special. I know people move on from these things and find other people, but I truly, truly do not believe I would be able to. She is my first. My first serious relationship, the first and only person I've had sex with, and we've built so much together. We have a home and a dog, and have built such a fortress of a relationship. I just can't lose her. I don't know what I'll do. I'm just so scared. I will do everything in my power to make this work, but I just know I have limits.   So... I just... I don't know what I need right now. I need to know if there's hope for us. I need to know if this doesn't have to be as horrible as I fear it could be. Is it possible that she can learn to deal with her dysphoria without transitioning? Could it be a matter of learning to cope with it as it comes - dealing with bouts of dysphoria? Is it just too early to tell? She has only just begun confronting this; she has only told this to her therapist, and now, me. I guess... again, I just need some sense of hope. Is there a scenario where she becomes more comfortable with her body? Where she learns to cope with the dysphoria and manage it or even eliminate it without transitioning? If she one day decides to transition without HRT, how extreme can that be? What do I need to be prepared for? Is it possible that she may not even be trans at all, or are these pretty sure-signs? Could it be linked to her depression - and if so, what's the chicken and what's the egg? Has anyone ever had a gender identity crisis as a result of depression? But I also need to be prepared for the reality. What does genderfluid look like in a relationship? How serious is it really? Am I overreacting? Is the body dysphoria as serious as I'm taking it? How treatable is body dysphoria - with and without HRT? If she does end up needing HRT, what can that look like? Is there any chance that I will still be attracted to her? How drastic of a difference could I expect? Can I make it work?
    • AnAnxiousMess
      I've only been here a few days and can already see this (she's posted wonderful, insightful comments on both my posts so far. )
    • SaraAW
      Welcome to the forums Pauline. Lots of great folks here. 
    • VickySGV
      The conditions I see you wearing them in are highly hazardous and an wreck shoes as well as bone, skin and muscle.  I wear shoes safely and sensibly and keep my first aid skills up to date for those who do not do it that way, and the fact I have had to use those skills is a clue that others do wear then in unsafe environments.  When all good sense goes out the window, it is a fetish and not simple Cross Dressing.
    • VickySGV
      My rule of thumb is that if you have questions about your gender, the one thing you are NOT is Cis-gender.  I have never met one who doubted their gender, just some of the baloney that goes with either one.  Gender Diverse, Gender Adventurous and more are all valid ways to identify yourself, and it can be a little or enough to put you on an operating table and that is what we try and help you cover here.  Not living strictly by what others define as one of two genders does have its challenges and risks to be sure.  I have been out for a decade fully and 10 years before that as a sometimes person.  Today I pass fairly easily as a big older woman with a deeper voice than many have, but then I go out to my shop and some grease or paint or other dirt changes me into --- well it changes me and I don;t care.  I get taken for lesbian or Transbian as my friends sometimes call it, but I can bear hug a guy too without any problem so I am not worried about that.  Your comment above was fine really and you do not have to be ashamed of it.  It did not really put anyone into a trash can so you do see how this place ccan work. 
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